


Against All Odds

by K8Jax83



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Break Up, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Redemption, Reunions, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:54:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 65,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25528507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K8Jax83/pseuds/K8Jax83
Summary: Callum breaks up with Ben, after he gets arrested doing another dodgy job for his Dad and Danny. He finally learns the truth about everything and  can’t take anymore and leaves Ben for his own sanity. Finally Ben realises all the damage he’s done to Callum and himself. He decides he needs to fight for them and prove to Callum how much he means to him. Instead of being the Ben Mitchell he thinks he’s expected to be, he decides to become the one he’s always wanted to be. He also decides to let Callum go, let him learn how to be himself without Ben and wait for him to come back. Knowing that a love like theirs is special and they’ll always find a way back together.Inspired by the lyrics of the Phil Collins song ‘Against All Odds’
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 247
Kudos: 183





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> After reading so many of your brilliant Ballum fics, I’ve been inspired to write my own. This is my first ever attempt at writing at all. 
> 
> I’ve had the idea in my head for a while about based around the idea that Ben needed to prove to Callum he’s willing to fight for him, as although we saw it in Boat Crash week, Callum may not have. I also love ideas in other stories that sometimes couples need to break up and grow individually to realise how much the relationship is worth and how much they mean to each other. Then I listened to the song ‘Against All Odds’ by Phil Collins and it gave me the final piece of inspiration. So this story will follow that kind of idea. I have used some of the events in the actual canon as a basis for the background. But most events are my own ideas. It is set about a year in the future from events in the actual show. Ben has had his operation and it was successful so most of his hearing has been restored. I have very limited understanding of hearing loss and cochlear implants so some information may not be accurate. Apologies in advance for this. I also haven’t gone into too much detail of what the job with Danny was that Ben gets arrested for, as it’s not that important in terms of the story. I have a kind of idea for how the story will pan out and hope I am brave enough to finish and post it. 
> 
> Apologies if there are any mistakes. I have proof read it myself but don’t always spot them. I am under no illusions that my writing is nowhere up to the level of some in the fandom. But thought I’d give it a go as I do enjoy reading so many of your fics. 
> 
> Anyway I’m posting before I lose the courage and delete the whole thing. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy xxx

Against All Odds

Chapter 1

Buzzing in his pocket shook him from trance. He didn’t need to look at it to know who it was. After the 5th rejected call he’d hoped they’d have got the hint by now. He didn’t want to talk, there was nothing they could say to fix this. It was too late. His heart couldn’t take anymore, feeling he was never really worth the hassle, that another man would always be more important than him, that for the other person what they had would never be worth fighting for. Tears burned his cheek as they trickled down his face. Being second best all the time had all but destroyed him. He’d fought so hard to keep going, to keep them together. To prove how much he loved him and show him he deserved all the love in the world. No matter how many times he’d been pushed away or told he was too good for him and deserved better, he’d pushed back harder, trying so hard to get the idiot to realise how amazing he was. Thing is though, there was only so many times you could be pushed before you reached the edge. The final shove had been too hard and he’d fallen off the edge of the cliff. He had no strength left in his fingers to cling on anymore. The rocks beneath them were crumbling and for all the fighting he’d done, the man he loved with his whole heart was never going to be there to bring him back from the brink. He would never choose him or their love first. As he took a shaky breath he realised that the only thing left to do was to let go. Head falling forwards, he let out a loud sob. Shoulders shaking up and down as he continued to cry loudly, mourning the loss of his first real love. His phone buzzed again this time with a message. Taking the phone out of his pocket he stared at the words on the screen. 

Ben  
I’m sorry! Please let me know you’re ok. Come home so we can talk. I need you to let me explain. I love you xxx

Callum shook his head. He wanted to move but was frozen to the spot. His body felt so heavy, so tired. The thought of hearing all the excuses, maybe even more lies made him feel sick. But more than all that the thought of all looking Ben in the eye and telling him it was over was more than he could face right now. He turned off his phone instead and just lay his head back on the grass, looking at the beautiful blue sky. Maybe if he lay there long enough he would find the strength he needed to do this, he had to find a way to put himself first for once. 

Ben was frantically racing all over the square searching for Callum. He’d tried the flat, funeral parlour, Vic, Carters’ and Whitney’s house. So far no one had seen him anywhere. All Ben had achieved was to make everybody else concerned for Callum. He’d placated them all by saying they’d just had a small fight and to call him if he turned up. As he ran around, he kept trying to call him. After the first 5 times of obvious rejections he decided to text him. Eventually he saw that the message had been read so he tried to call again. This time the phone went straight to voicemail, indicating that Callum had had enough of him trying to contact him and turned his phone off. Anger and fear began to rage from low in his stomach, up through his tightening chest to his throat, where he let out an almighty roar as he punched the nearest wall. Pain coursed right through his knuckles into his hand. The feeling calmed him in a way as he knew it was the least he deserved. He became aware of all the background noise around him and it began to hurt his head. Ever since he’d had his operation he found it hard to cope with how his implant picked every tiny noise in the background. Nothing sounded the same as before, everything was heightened and intense. The sounds his brain had previously been able to drown out were now everywhere and so loud. Often he found it hard to focus on conversations close to him, as the other noises were so prominent. Although he was grateful he could hear anything at all, he was still in the process of adapting to this new way of life. The doctor had said it could take months or years to find his feet and even though he was definitely getting better, he still wasn’t there quite yet. But who had been there with him every step of the way, held his hand in hospital, spent hours with him learning about how the implant worked and making adaptations to their own home and speech to help, held him when he cried, stroked his hair to calm him when the noise got too much, kept signing to him when he struggled to hear clearly. Callum. His beautiful, patient and amazing Callum. The one person who didn’t judge him, always cared for him no matter how hard Ben pushed him, verbally lashed out at him and the person who still seemed to see the old Ben in him somewhere, when no one else could. How could he have let him down so badly again? 

Thinking back over the days earlier events, he should have known Danny would want revenge. As if he was going to let him and his Dad get away with taking all the money. He hated himself for getting involved in the mess in the first place, for being so desperate to get his Dad’s approval and love. He hated lying to Callum, all to keep his Dad happy. But the thing he was most angry at himself for once again stepping up to sort out his Dad’s mess. Doing that one final deal to keep Danny off their backs. He should have told Callum the truth, maybe he could have helped him. Instead he had to see the hurt, confusion and disappointment in his eyes as Ben got dragged into the station. The anger and embarrassment he must have felt at having his boyfriend arrested. He tried to sign to him but Callum just turned and walked away and Ben’s heart broke at the realisation that maybe he’d finally given up on him. Even though Richie had managed to get all the charges dropped through lack of evidence, he knew Callum wouldn’t believe anymore of his lies. He just hoped that if he finally told him all the whole truth, maybe just maybe Callum could forgive him and award him one last chance. 

When he had left the station he was hoping it would be Callum waiting for him, but no it was Danny. 

“Alright Chicken,” he beamed as Ben approached. 

Ben cockily smirked at him, “You’re slipping Hardcastle, released without charge, no evidence!”

“No maybe not, but you earned me some of the money you and your old man owed me. Also managed to get acquainted with your copper bloke while you were otherwise engaged.”

Ben’s whole body shook a mixture of rage and fear. He lunged at him. “What have you done to him? If you’ve one hair on his head…”

He was cut off by Danny laughing coldly. “Turns out I didn’t need to. Once I filled him in on what exactly his boyfriend had been up to, it was like I’d kicked him repeatedly in the guts. Thought that might be enough for PC Plod for now. Shame you hadn’t told him more about what you’d been up to, think he’d have had your back if not. Hearing it all from me… well let’s just say his face was priceless.”

Ben felt his heart sink right through his feet. He spotted another policeman leaving the station so he let go of Danny instantly, covering his hands in his head. 

“See ya round Mini Mitchell. Tell your Dad I’ll be in touch.” Danny stepped away with a sickening grin on his face. He knew he had hit Ben right where it hurt.Ben grabbed his phone trying to call Callum, it rang twice before being cut off. 

A loud shout coming from the park snapped him out of his thoughts. A woman yelling at her child that it was getting dark and time to go home. Ben hadn’t even realised the time. Feeling sick at the recollection of the days events, he began to panic, his anxiety was at a peak and the adrenaline ran through his veins. He needed to find him, to explain, to beg forgiveness. The thought of losing Callum was more than he could take right now. Without Callum his world could easily descend into darkness. It almost had during lockdown when they’d been separated for weeks. If it wasn’t for Lexi bringing some sunshine to his days he would have lost it. It was then he realised how much he craved to be near Callum. How his touch soothed him. It was then he made a vow to try and hold onto him with everything he had. If only he’d held his resolve when his Dad came calling. If only he had the strength to stand up to his Dad. Maybe then he wouldn’t be where he was right now. 

He looked up towards the sky. It was dark now, maybe a symbol for his world right now. Then out of the corner of his eye he saw one bright star shining in the sea of darkness. This was like Callum in his world, a guiding light in the blackness. He had to find him and make this right. Finding clarity for a small moment he thought one last place he could try and headed off in that direction. 

Callum lay there for what felt like hours, the light blue sky had now faded and darkness had ascended. He felt like the day was a metaphor for his world right now. Then he spotted a bright star shining above him, he couldn’t help but notice the beauty of the light in the darkness. It was then he realised even when the whole world seemed dark there were things of beauty. For so long it had felt like Ben had been the guiding light in his world. He dragged him from the shadows and brought him into the light. 

He sat up and looked around the park. The place had so many memories for him. Of course it was here his life had changed forever, the first time he had ever put his own needs and wants first. Looking over at the bench where it all began his head filled with a thousand memories. Goosebumps covered his body as he remembered the first touch of Ben’s lips, how his body had responded. The desire that spread through him and he had fully let himself go and be free. Although he felt bad for what he’d done to Whitney, he never really regretted what happened that night. It was more the sense of regret at what happened afterwards, retreating back into his shell, denying who he was, using Whit to hide even more and hurting her in the process. Those were the things he regretted. But never what happened with Ben. He was always grateful that Ben gave him the confidence and strength to finally be who he was and not someone he thought he should be. When he thought about how patient, kind and gentle Ben had been in those first few months he couldn’t help but remember why he loved him. Once he’d seen through all his bravado and bullshit, he saw the real Ben. The one who was kind and protective to those he loved. The one who was affectionate and loving, always touching Callum to reassure him. The one who was a bit broken and fragile and wanted so desperately to be loved and accepted for who he was. Callum just wished his love had been enough for him. That his love had been enough. Remembering all the times him and Ben would cut through the park late at night on their way home. Drunkenly kissing against their bench, as Ben had called it. Occasionally reliving their first time, both being exhilarated by the thought of getting caught. He thought to the many times he’d been here with Ben and Lexi, pushing her on the swing. The time Ben insisted he’d push him on the swing and how their combined laughter filled the air and warned his heart. How he felt like he had a family for the first time in his life. One he chose and who had chose him. A single tear escaped his eye and a sickening feeling crept into his stomach that he would have to give that away. He hoped in time Lexi would understand and forgive him and that he could still be a part of her life, as a friend to Lola if nothing else. 

He put his head on his knees and hugged his legs tight into his chest. What he wouldn’t give for those happy times to stay always. Instead he thought about all the times he’d been lied to, rejected, discarded recently. All the trust between them that had been broken. Being second choice to Phil Mitchell was not something he was prepared to do anymore. He had to protect himself, no matter how much the thought of not having Ben in his life broke his heart. He glanced up to the sky one more time, just in time to see a cloud covering the star he had seen earlier. His heart sank, was he about to throw away the light that had saved him from the shadows. As if the universe was trying to tell him something another cloud moved away revealing the moon. Callum hoped it was telling him not to give up and that even in times of darkness sources of light were there. That even though one light was about to burn out there would be others to help guiding through. 

Just then he heard footsteps approaching behind him. He didn’t need to look round to know who it was. There connection had always been so strong, he’d convinced himself they were soulmates connected by some higher power. Now he knew he was wrong. 

Ben had spotted Callum sitting on the grass curled up into a ball. Guilt washed over him, he knew he had done this to him. He hated himself for making the only person who truly loved him for him feel this way. He wanted to run over and envelop him in his arms, make it all go away, but he knew he couldn’t. He knew he was likely to be pushed away or punched in the face. Both of which he deserved. Slowly he stepped closer and when he reached him he just sat next to him. He didn’t need to look at him to tell he’d been crying, himself squeezing his eyes tightly to stop his own tears from falling. 

Silence descended for a few minutes, both men afraid of speaking. Ben knew it should be him to speak first, he knew they were hanging on the edge of a cliff and he needed to try and find a way to claw themselves back up. He just couldn’t find the words, so afraid that saying the wrong thing would cause the rocks to tumble and send them both crashing to the rocks below.

“The let you out then?” Callum asked calmly finally breaking the silence between them. Still keeping his eyes focused on the ground, not being able to look at Ben.

“There wasn’t enough evidence to charge me. Richie thinks it will all blow over.” Ben replied quietly. Also not daring to look at Callum, knowing it could break him. 

“You got lucky then.” Callum was almost too calm in his words, it unnerved Ben. He wanted him to yell, scream, hit him if it helped. It was exactly what he deserved but this was like torture.

“Babe, I’m so sorry …” he was cut off abruptly.

“I don’t want to hear it Ben,” Callum sighed. “ I’ve heard enough of your apologies, promises and lies to last me a lifetime. I can’t bear it anymore.” tears once again trickled over his cheeks she spoke.

Ben shook his head. “Let me just explain everything please babe. I promise the whole truth this time. Please baby no more lies I swear.” Tears began burning his cheeks as he spoke and looked towards Callum pleadingly. Callum just nodded but made no attempt to look back at Ben. Ben started to explain the whole sorry tale. Starting with the warehouse job, the gunshot that burst his eardrum, his complete loss of hearing at one point and Jay taking him to the hospital. Why he had done it all and lied about it all to keep his Dad sweet and not compromise Callum at work. He ended with explaining how Danny had come back and threatened his Dad and the family. How Phil had agreed to one last job to keep him sweet and how he’d asked Ben to step up and help him out with it. How Danny had set him to get him to get caught and how everything had unraveled. “But I promise babe that is it. I’m gonna tell Dad he has to sort it out himself in future and I’m done with it. It’s over I swear.” Ben grabbed at Callum’s hand as he uttered the last sentence, hoping he would look at him. 

Callum just nodded again. “I hope for your sake that’s true.” Is all he whispered as Ben finished speaking. 

“Is that all you have to say babe? Yell, scream, swear at me if you need to.  
I deserve it. Please babe …” Ben was cut off again. 

“What’s the point? It ain’t gonna change anything is it? I don’t have the energy left in me to fight anymore.” Callum muttered quietly.

“We ain’t gonna fight babe. I’m completely in the wrong here. I’ll take whatever you want to throw at me and I promise I’ll make it up to you.” Ben squeezed Callum’s hand hard. “Look at me please baby.” 

Callum finally turned his head, but he pulled his hand out of Ben’s grip. Ben immediately felt a sense of loss. Callum looked into his eyes, but Ben noticed the usual warmth had gone. There was just an emptiness in them, a weariness he’d never seen before. Ben instinctively reached out to cup his cheeks, but before he made a connection Callum pulled back. 

“Don’t. Please. It’s only making this harder.” He sighed and rubbed his hands into his eyes, trying with all his might to stop the tears falling. “I can’t do this anymore. I don’t believe a word you say anymore.” 

“Babe you have to…” Ben was determined to get him to see he meant it, but Callum once again stopped him. 

“No! You’ve had your say no let me have mine.” Callum’s voice was a little sterner but still quiet. Ben just nodded. “I’ve tried so hard Ben to show you that who you are is enough for me. I’ve supported you through everything and it was never a hardship for me l because I wanted to be there. There was nowhere I would have rather been because the amazing guy I fell in love with, I knew he was still in there and being with him was worth it all.” Tears began to fall and he sniffed sadly. “You always say that I’m too good for you and worry you’ll never be good enough for me. But now I’ve realised, it’s me. I’ll never be enough for you.”

“What? No!” Ben again tried to argue.

“No. I’ll never be your first choice.  
You’ll always care what your Dad thinks more than what I do. You’ll always put him first. And I’m tired of waiting for you to choose me. Choose us. Cos every time you don’t I feel a little more worthless, like my feelings don’t matter. You once told me I weren’t worth the hassle and you know what at the time I thought you were right. But then you hung in there, put up with crap from Stu, waited for me, even said you would go straight for me and I thought maybe I might be worth it to him. But now I know I won’t ever be worth the hassle of standing up to your Dad for.” Callum had begun to let some the frustration he was feeling show in his voice. “Part of me gets it. I tried so hard to be who my Dad wanted me to be. Then some wise fella I know told me that he was just some bloke who got me mum pregnant and that what he thought didn’t matter. That I couldn’t live my life for him and I had to make myself happy by being who I wanted to be. Shame he can’t follow his own advice eh.”

“It’s not like that babe…”

“It is Ben. When it came to it, I chose being myself, I chose you and would a million times over. It’s no hardship not having him in my life if it means I get to be who I want to be and have who I want in my life.” He let out a low pitched sigh “But you won’t ever make the same choice. You’ll always want to prove yourself to Phil at the expense of me and us. And I can’t be chipped away at anymore. I deserve to be with someone who will put me first, who will choose me. Someone that I’m enough for.” Sobs now escapes him loudly. “And if you can’t be the one to put me first, then I have to do it myself.”

Ben grabbed hold of Callum’s face, tears now streaming down his own face. He was begging him to look him in the eyes. To see that he meant what he said. “Please babe. I’m sorry. Don’t do this. I love you. I’ll change. I’ll do anything you want. Please. Please!” He leant in to kiss him but Callum took hold of his wrists to stop him getting close and pulled away from him. 

“I love you too. You’re the only person I’ve ever loved. But it’s not enough. I don’t believe a word you say. It’s not only the secrets you’ve kept, but you’ve blatantly lied to my face. I asked you about that job in the warehouse and you sat there and told me it weren’t you. You used Lexi as an alibi and made me feel terrible for doubting you. You lied about your ear bleeding and God knows what else. I don’t believe you’ll change. God you don’t know how much I wish I did. Even if you want to you won’t cos as soon as Daddy comes calling you’ll be putting me and my feelings to the bottom of the list again.”

Ben began to shake his head as tears burst from his eyes. He was sobbing loudly now too. Hearing how much he’d hurt Callum, how he made him feel like he wasn’t worth his love or the hassle, it felt like someone had taken a knife and stabbed him straight through the heart. All this time he had been trying to prove to himself he was still worthy of being a Mitchell, not a weak, pathetic mess. And all the the time he had been chipping away at his wonderful boyfriend, making him feel unimportant, like how he felt didn’t matter to him. How could he not have seen it? How had he been so blind? “Please. Please” were the only words he could get out. If he had to beg he would. 

Callum held his gaze firm. Watching Ben breaking in front of him was like watching his whole world fall apart. He wanted to hold Ben to make it all okay again. Tell him they could work it out and get through it. But he couldn’t let his resolve crumble. Not this time. He wasn’t sure he could survive another blow, he couldn’t take the risk. He’d made up his mind and he wasn’t going to change it. “It’s too late,” he said quietly. “After you got arrested today I spoke to my boss and we agreed that it would be best if I took some leave. Especially as you were being investigated. We thought it might me good for me to be out of the way and not compromise myself or the investigation. So I’m leaving for a bit tomorrow.”

“What? No you can’t. Where you gonna go? If you leave we can’t sort it out. No Callum please…” 

“Gonna stay with Lee for a while. I need space to sort my head out. Get myself back on track. While I’m gone, I want you to move your stuff out of the flat. I need a fresh start when I get back. Please don’t call me or text me while I’m away. If you love me at all you’ll let me have this time. Please.”

“Please Callum. There’s gotta be a way we can fix this. I’ll be better. I’ll do anything. Please don’t leave me!” Ben begged through his own sobs.

“I’m sorry Ben. I have to. I need to find me again. A me without you. I can’t lose anymore of myself.” He wiped the last of his tears away. He needed to be strong. “Stay at your Dad’s tonight. When you come and get your stuff leave the keys with Stu.” He stood up to go. Ben grabbed his arms again, he got up on his knees as if begging for one last chance. He signed please and I love you, he didn’t have the words so he used the only other language he had. The one him and Callum had made their own special language, just for them. Callum couldn’t bear to see Ben like this, he would never want to humiliate him like that. So he pulled him to his feet. Wrapping his arms around him as he did. Ben cling to him with everything he had, breathing in all his scent. Callum did the same. Both of them sending this maybe the last time they were in each other’s arms and wanting to commit everything about the moment to memory. Slowly Callum pulled away, he cupped Ben’s face one final time wiping some of his tears. Mimicking the gentle actions of Ben before their first kiss. Slowly he leaned in and planted a soft kiss on his cheek. “Goodbye Ben! I hope one day you’ll allow yourself to be the man you truly can be. For your sake and Lexi’s.” And with that Callum released Ben’s face and turned around walking away. Tears streaming down his face. His heart breaking more and more with every step he took. It was the hardest thing he’d ever done, his feet felt heavy and it took all his strength to lift them with each step. As hard as it was to leave the love of his life behind that night he knew it was the only choice he had. 

Ben was frozen to the spot. He was praying to a God he didn’t believe in that Callum would turn to look back at him. Turn around and see him crying, breaking, hoping it would convey all the words he wanted to say, to show him how much he meant to him. He didn’t he just walked away, slowly disappearing out of sight. A waterfall of tears cascaded from his eyes, stinging every part of his face they touched. Shaking violently as sobs escaped him, he fell to the ground. Ending up in the same position he found Callum in, knees hugged tightly against his chest. All he wanted was to run after him, plead with him some more. Make him see he’d got it wrong and he meant everything to Ben. But he knew it would be fruitless. The only thing he could do now was do as Callum had asked. Give him time and space. Let him go. Wait for him. Pray he’d come back to him. Him coming back to him was against all odds but it was a chance he had to take. The only chance he had.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Callum are both trying to cope in the aftermath of their break up. Both reach a significant turning point, which helps them make steps forward in their individual journeys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for those of you who’ve taken the time to read the story so far. Especially those of you who left Kudos or took the time for comment. I was genuinely overwhelmed by your positive comments and they have inspired me to keep going with this idea. 
> 
> Once again I’m a little nervous about posting this chapter. I still have doubts about the pace and length of it, but I wanted to ensure that we got to see things from both Ben and Callum’s perspective and that their individual journeys were seen as equally important. 
> 
> It is set about a year in the future from events in the actual show. Ben has had his operation and it was successful so most of his hearing has been restored. I have very limited understanding of hearing loss and cochlear implants so some information may not be accurate. Apologies in advance for this. All mistakes are mine. Feel free to let me know what you think. :-)

The next few weeks seemed like a bit of a blur for Ben. Looking back he wasn’t sure how he’d made it through the early days without Callum. Sat in the park that night, he felt like he was drowning, being battered with waves of guilt, anger and despair for what he’d put Callum through and what it had cost him. Then he felt that comforting arm reaching out and pulling him from the depths, as it settled around his shoulder. Initial hopes of Callum changing his mind were dashed when he looked up and saw Jay. At first he was unable to speak, he just buried his head in his brother’s shoulder and sobbed. Jay was probably the only other person Ben would allow to see him like this. Vulnerable, hurting, at breaking point. It wasn’t the first time and it probably wouldn’t be the last he helped him to pick up the pieces. Jay just held him up and whispered reassurances that things would be okay, allowing Ben to let all his emotions out. 

When the tears eventually stopped he pulled away from asking Jay “How did you know?” he sniffed.

“Got a text from Callum, saying you might need me and to come here. What happened?” Jay asked unable to hide his concern and confusion. 

Ben chewed the inside of his cheek as nodded his head knowingly. Even after everything Callum was still trying to take care of him, he’d made sure Ben wasn’t alone. His heart was so pure and although Ben had broken it he’d still managed to show him one last act of love, one he felt he didn’t really deserve. 

Shrugging his shoulders he finally replied “Standard Ben Mitchell. Proper ballsed everything up as usual.” His voice sounded harsh, croaky from all the sobbing he’d done. “Can’t face talking about it right now, let just say he’s finally seen sense and jumped ship. Can’t say I blame him to be honest.” 

“Come on Bruv, he’ll be back. If there’s one thing I’m certain of it’s that he loves the bones of ya. You can tell by the constant heart eyes he gives ya. He’s like a walking emoji whenever you’re around,” Jay replied softly, trying to reassure him. 

Ben’s lips almost curled up into a smile at that, but then the realisation hit him, he knew Callum loved him. That was never the problem. It was his inability to show Callum the love he deserved, the love Ben actually felt. He shook his head as tears once again filled his eyes. “Not sure this time. I think I’ve lost him for good.” He clenched his fists tightly. Momentarily considering smashing him into the ground. 

“Bruv. Let’s get you home. Perhaps if you sleep on it it will seem better in the morning.” Jay put a reassuring hand on Ben’s knee as he spoke. 

“Any chance I can crash at yours tonight? Don’t think I can face going to my Dad’s.”

Jay just nodded he held out his arm to help him up. The walk back to the square was in silence. Jay not wanting to push Ben, he could tell he was close to breaking. Ben not sure he could voice all the thoughts causing the storm that raged in his mind. When they reached Jay’s flat, Ben just collapsed on the sofa. Jay gave him a blanket and told him to wake him if he needed anything. He wrapped it around him, covering his head, all he wanted was to hide away from the world. Pretend that today hadn’t happened. Imagine he was wrapped up in Callum’s arms, his safe place. Picking up his phone he hovered over Callum’s name, wanting to call him, to hear his voice, to know he was okay. Realising it was selfish, he stopped himself. Callum asked him to give him time and space if he loved him. Denying him his request would again indicate to him he didn’t respect how he felt. He had to do as he asked, no matter how much the thought killed him. Sleep did not find him that night, his mind was in too much turmoil to find any sense of peace. He wondered if he ever would again.

The following few days went by in a haze, his mind fogged by a mixture of alcohol and rage, mainly at himself. Drinking was supposed to help numb the pain, block out all the guilt he felt for how he’d hurt Callum, but it failed miserably. The only benefit was it knocked him out a few nights, but even that seemed to only come when he’d cried himself into a state of exhaustion. In the past he’d go and find a random bloke to hook up with, a nameless body to provide physical comfort and though he considered it for a brief moment, he was hit with a fear no one would want him now. Not in his state, his hearing loss had destroyed his confidence in that area. More than that though, the thought of someone other than Callum touching him made his skin crawl. Instead he’d locked himself away in his room at his Dad’s, only escaping to buy more booze from the Minute Mart and junk food from the Chippy to help soak it up. He’d pretty much managed to avoid seeing anyone, including the people he shared the house with. Although it was hard, he’d even managed to convince Lola to not let Lexi see him like this and they’d agreed that she’d tell her was poorly and had to be kept separate for a little while. Lola begged him to sort his head out for Lexi’s sake, she reminded him that he was still her dad and he had responsibilities. Eventually he promised he’d try, he knew he couldn’t go on like this forever, but he was struggling to cope without Callum and didn’t know how to begin to get passed it.

The moment that finally pushed him to make a change happened a week later. Spurred on by the other Man in his life. His Dad. The man he’d always been a disappointment to, the one who’d he chose over Callum. Of course it would be his Dad that snapped him out of it. Phil was like a bear with a sore head when he charged into Ben’s room that afternoon, demanding he get downstairs now. Ben’s head was banging, a combination of his hangover and his Dad’s shouting. He quickly threw some clothes on and slowly made his was downstairs to the kitchen. Phil was pacing up and down and obviously in a foul mood. Although that was nothing new, Ben had a feeling whatever he had to say he wasn’t going to want to hear it right now. Truth be told he wasn’t sure he had the strength to deal with whatever issue his Dad had right now. Cautiously, he approached and walked through the door. 

“Finally,” Phil growled

“Dad would you mind keeping it down,” Ben pleaded quietly “My head is banging.”

“Well who’s faults that? All you’ve done the past few days is wallow and drink yourself stupid.” Ben could see the anger rising in Phil as he spat his words at him. He clearly had no concern for Ben or his problems. “You have no idea the hassle I’ve had this morning. Danny’s been in touch. Wants more money. I need you to…”

“No Dad I can’t! Not after what happened last time. I need to keep my nose clean.” Ben tried to sound firm, but his voice wavered as he looked at his Dad, who he could see was getting more and more frustrated. 

“It’s fine. It’s low risk, quick in and out. Easy cash,” he carried on as if he hadn’t even heard Ben. “I need you to…”

“Dad, I can’t get involved anymore. And even if I wanted to I’m not in the right frame of mind right now!” Ben felt like he had to try and keep his promise to Callum, even if it was too little too late.

“Pft!” Phil spat, “This about Callum? Look I know you’ve been a bit off since he left. But let’s face it it’s for the best. It’s not like you could ever work, he weren’t a right fit for ya, his job was always gonna be inconvenient. Now he’s out of the way we can focus on getting this mess with Danny sorted proper.”

Something in Ben snapped, “Inconvenient?” he snarled “Who for Dad? Me or you?” 

“Come on Ben…” Phil again tried to dismiss him but Ben wasn’t going to be deterred this time.

“I love him! I really love him and he left me because I’m always putting you and your problems first. Always trying to prove myself to you.” Ben was gradually losing his cool.

“Pull yourself together Ben. You sound like a…” Phil stopped himself and quickly changed tack when he sensed Ben was getting angry. “You’ll get over it. I mean he clearly don’t think you were worth the hassle. Maybe he’s not as stupid as he looks!”

Ben snapped. He lunged for his Dad grabbing him by the collar. Phil was shocked he was stunned. “How dare you?” He roared, every ounce of hurt anger and frustration was being released. “You do not get to belittle me, him, or our relationship. He’s worth a hundred of you. All he’s ever done is love me and be there for me. If you’d have shown me one ounce of the affection he has I’d be twice the man I am now.”

Phil pushed back almost growling “Who the hell do you think you’re talking to?”

Realisation washed over Ben, “No one that’s worth my time.” Ben laughed at how pathetic his Dad actually looked. “You can forget me being your pathetic little whipping boy anymore. Go and find someone else to do your dirty work! We’re done!” And with that Ben turned around and walked out the door. All of a sudden his felt lighter. The crushing sensation he’d had most of his life suddenly disappeared. It was like he was able to breathe for the first time. As he walked away from The Mitchell home, he felt determined never to let that man back in his life. He felt free for the first time since he was a kid. Determined to get through this, to be the man he wanted to be, the man Callum had always believed he could. He had to pull himself together to fight for the two of them. 

With Ian now living at the Vic, it made sense for Ben, Lola and Lexi to move back in with his Mum and Bobby. Turns out Lola was more than happy to get both Ben and Lexi away from Phil, she collected all their stuff with Jay’s help and by the end of the week they were all settled again. However he still missed Callum terribly, he struggled to sleep and eat, he was still distraught at the thought of losing him for good. Thoughts filled his mind constantly, mainly regret, guilt and despair for all the hurt he’d caused him. But he was determined to fight back, prove to Callum he had changed that he was going to be a better man. He stopped drinking, began to throw himself into work, desperate to make more of his life. He’d eventually summoned up the courage to get his stuff from the flat. He couldn’t face Stuart and Rainie just yet, so he got Jay to let him know when they were busy with a funeral and chose to go then. He held on to the keys though, not willing to let go of everything just yet. Jay, Kathy and Lola were all pleased he was trying to get back on track, although they were still concerned. Ben had already lost some of his sparkle, when he lost his hearing. The operation had given him some of it back but losing Callum had seen a cloud of sadness shroud him, washing away what little shine he had left. The only time they felt he genuinely smiled was when he was with Lexi. She was still his little ray of sunshine in the cold world he found himself in. Her warmth and light still gave him that glimmer of hope. That’s why about a month later he found himself being ambushed and asked to take care of her by himself for the first time in a while. He suspected it was ploy to cheer him up, but was happy to go along with it when he saw how excited Lexi was to spend time with him. They’d been to a fair and he’d even managed to win her a cuddly toy from one of the stalls. Her little face beamed with delight and for the first time in a month his heart swelled and a tiny bit of happiness crept back into his life. On the way home they stopped at the Ice Cream Parlour. Lexi was chatting away happily, then she reached out and touched his hand gently. He could have guessed that the topic would come up eventually, but at that moment he wasn’t quite ready for it.

“When’s Callum coming back?” she asked innocently.

“I don’t know Princess. Soon I hope.” Ben decided to be honest with her, but tired to answer simply.”

“I miss him,” she moaned quietly.

“Me too baby!” And Ben did something he so much.

“Why did he leave? Does he not love us anymore?” Ben really wasn’t prepared for this. He shook his head gently, trying to fight back the tears that pooled in his eyes.

“That’s not it baby. I think he loves us both very much. But sometimes adults fall out. Just like your Mum and Uncle Jay have. It sometimes takes a while for us to sort things out. They’re working on it and hopefully me and Callum can. Even if we find it hard to be friends, he’ll always love you and have time for you. Just like Uncle Jay. I’m sure when he gets back he’ll be straight over to see you. I bet he’s missed you too.”

“I hope he comes home soon. Not just for me. For you too. You’re more fun when he’s around. You smile and laugh more. I miss your laugh.” Lexi spoke straight. Ben loved that his daughter got this from him, it broke his heart that she had even seen his misery and missed him being happy. “I think you should tell him you’re sorry and you miss him. Tell him you love him, maybe he’s worried you don’t, if you’ve fallen out. You can’t just give up. Me and Will always fall out but if I say sorry he forgives me.”

The simplicity of her thoughts hit Ben. What if Callum had thought he didn’t care anymore? How could he know if he didn’t tell him. “You know what baby perhaps you’re right! Maybe I’ll give it a try.” Ben smiled widely, maybe it was time to reach out. He knew Callum had asked him not to, but he needed him to know he hadn’t given up on them. It had been over a month now. Hopefully he would have had time to calm down and was feeling better about everything. Maybe it was time to try. He pulled out his phone and snapped a picture of Lexi eating an ice cream, before typing out a message. 

Hey. I know you asked me not to get in touch, but I just wanted to say I miss you. I’m trying hard to put things right and I’ll be here waiting, when you’re ready to talk. Love you xxx

Maybe just maybe if he saw he was willing to fight, maybe he would come back to him. 

Callum stared at his screen for what seemed like an eternity. Ironically he’d only just switched his phone back on after a month long hiatus. Making that decision as he sat on the train on the morning he left, he knew he had to have a clean break from all of Walford if he had any chance of sorting his head out. He had already had several texts off Stuart, Jay and Lola that morning, all checking he was okay, all of them calling Ben and idiot and letting him know they were there for him. Stuart had already had a few choice words about Ben when he found out they’d broken up that night and that he was going away. Callum told him in no uncertain terms he didn’t want to hear any of it but Stuart couldn’t help himself. Callum knew he was just looking out for him, but as hurt as he was he couldn’t stand hearing him bashing Ben. That was one of the reasons he knew it was best to get away, remove himself from the situation and take time just for him. He’d sent them all the same message telling them he would be okay and that he was turning his phone off, so not to worry if they couldn’t get it touch. He just didn’t want the constant hassle of them calling or texting or filling him in on how Ben was. Also he knew if his phone was off he wouldn’t be tempted to look at his photos of him and Ben and Lexi. It was all too raw and a painful reminder of what he’d once had and now lost and he wasn’t ready to deal with it just yet. He rang Stuart when he arrived to let him know he’d got there and told him if there was an emergency to ask the Carters to get in touch with Lee. Stuart wasn’t keen on the idea but he agreed, at least he knew how to find him if he did need him. 

Lee was stood waiting for him just outside of the station waiting for him. Callum genuinely smiled for the first time in days when he saw his old friend. They immediately embraced when they saw each other. Callum hadn’t been specific when he asked if he could stay with him, just said that he needed to get away for a bit. Lee was more than happy to help out his old mate and was genuinely pleased to see him. He sensed Callum was fragile and hanging on by a thread so he quickly found them a taxi and they headed back to his flat. Once they were there, he showed Callum to the spare room and gave him time to unpack while he made them some food. Callum sat on the bed in a bit of a daze. He remembered the last time he and Lee had spent anytime together. He was still living the pretence of being straight, hiding who he was from the world, desperately trying to find his place. Although things were different now, better in many ways. He was out, finally acknowledging who he truly was, with a career he actually loved. Only one thing felt the same, he was back to not knowing what his place was in the world. Without Ben by his side, he felt like he was once again lost. Snapping himself out of his thoughts, he realised he should head back into the room and talk to Lee. 

“Grubs up. Don’t expect it to be as fancy as yours or anything.” Lee said as placed it on the small table in front of them. Lee’s place was probably as big as Callum’s, it was cosy and much more simply decorated, no garish colours or patterns. It made him feel safe seeing photos of the Carters and football memorabilia that Lee had collected over the years. He could tell Lee was happy here. They made idle chit chat as they ate, Lee doing most of talking about his job and love life. Callum pushed the food around his plate. Not really hungry.

“Not up to your standards?” Lee eventually asked.

“Nah mate. It’s not that. Just ain’t hungry.” Callum sighed.

“Right. How we gonna do this then? You wanna talk about it now or another time? Either way I’m here for you alright,” Lee reached out and patted him arm as a sign of reassurance. 

Callum didn’t really know what was best. Did he want to talk about it at all? Was he able to voice everything that his heart and mind were feeling without breaking once again. He took a deep breath trying hard to keep his composure, not wanting to make either feel uncomfortable. Shrugging his shoulders he looked at Lee, unsure of what the right thing to say was.

“From my experience, bottling things up don’t help. Trust me I know.” Lee said reassuringly. Callum knew what Lee had been through and that he was right. He just wasn’t sure how or where to start. 

Nodding slowly, he began to speak. “Maybe if we talk it out now, get it all out might be best. Then maybe after that we can park it for a bit and I can try and get passed it.”

“Okay. How bout we talk it all out now and then not mention it again, unless you want to that is?” Lee could see it was difficult for Callum, but he wanted to him to open up. He knew too well what could happen if you ignored your feelings. 

“Well I’m guessing you know there have been a few changes for me since I last saw you?” Callum asked cautiously.

“What you mean you having more in common with our Johnny than me?” Lee gave him a cheeky grin raising his eyebrows quickly reassuring Callum he had nothing to worry about with him. Callum smiled softly feeling soothed by Lee’s reaction. “To be honest mate,” he continued “It wasn’t that much of a surprise, I mean you were always clueless when it came to women. Have to say though, your romance with the squares resident bad boy took me by surprise. Wouldn’t have exactly thought he was your type mate.” 

Callum sighed loudly, burying his head in his hands. He rubbed his eyes hardly trying to stop the tears escaping from them. “Yeh well, he ain’t like everybody thinks. He’s pretty amazing actually. Has the biggest heart, is kind, gentle, patient. Don’t get me wrong he’s a cocky little shit. Biggest wind up merchant I know and he’s great at keeping people at arms length, but behind it all, well…. he’s just amazing,” a tear rolled over his cheek as he spoke.

“Wow mate you’ve got it bad. Wanna tell me what happened?” Lee was puzzled by Callum’s words.

“It’s a bit complicated. I can’t really explain it all properly.” Callum wouldn’t betray Ben’s trust or put him at risk by sharing his darkest secrets with anyone else. “Let’s just say sometimes no matter how much you love someone it’s not enough. Not enough for them to believe in themselves, to see how amazing they are, to make them put you first. It ain’t easy being second best all the time. Does nothin for your self-esteem.”

“Second best to who? He ain’t been cheating on you has he?” Lee asked nervously.

“Nah mate, I mean second best to his Dad. He’s got a proper hold over him. Ben’s so desperate for his approval he’ll do anything to make him happy. The more he chose him over me and us, the more lies he told to protect him, the more crap I felt about myself. And I just couldn’t keep going anymore. I felt like I was losing myself again and I fought so hard to finally own who I am, be proud of myself, I need to put me first even if he can’t.” With that Callum broke, sobs began to escape. 

Lee put his arm around his shoulder to comfort him. It pained him to see Callum like this. “Mate, you are lot tougher than you think. You always were and I for one am proud to call you my mate. You’ll get through this.” Lee’s words meant a lot to Callum, he just hoped he was right. Lee stood up out of his chair. “Right how bout we forget about Ben Mitchell for a bit. Just hang out you and me like the old days. Starting with an Avengers marathon. I’ve heard Chris Hemsworth can be a good distraction if you’re into that kind of thing.” Callum laughed loudly it felt good to let it all out to someone and Lee hadn’t judged just been Lee. Maybe being here would just be the distraction he needed.

Spending time with Lee over the next few weeks had been great. They’d deliberately avoided the topic of a certain bolshy mechanic. Instead the talked about Callum’s job, Lee’s job and his disastrous love life, footie and gaming. They spent many an evening watching the match or an action movie, as well as competing in gaming marathons. Callum made the most of being in close proximity to the coast and enjoyed morning runs along the beach. Much better than his usual route of running round the square. The ocean calmed him and the sea air helped him to breathe easily. All of which helped clear his head and create a welcome diversion of missing Ben. Nighttimes were hard, he found it hard to sleep most nights, this is when he missed Ben the most. Missed holding him, running his fingers through his hair, missed the feeling of him tracing shapes on his arms and chest as they lay together. However he didn’t miss the worry of not knowing where he was, what he was up to and the risks he was taking. He reminded himself of this when he got too maudlin. Throughout the weeks they’d even met up with a few of Lee’s friends and Callum felt comfortable enough in himself to be open about his sexuality. It was all new to him being so open with strangers but he felt proud of who he was and wasn’t ashamed to let others see. Eventually he started to feel more normal and comfortable in his own skin again. Even without Ben to hold his hand and stand behind him. 

With his leave due to come to the end at the end of the week, he had to start thinking about heading back to Walford. He wasn’t sure how he was going to handle it and face Ben everyday, but he knew he would just have to learn to deal with it. Lee decided he needed one final distraction before he went home and told him that he’d seen on Facebook a few of their army mates we’re having a reunion in Manchester. Lee was desperate for them to go, he thought it would be a laugh to see everyone. He’d come up with a plan, they could stay with Johnny and then get Johnny to drive them back home afterwards. It had been a while since they’d seen their parents and could surprise them. Callum wasn’t as keen on the idea. The last time he’d seen any of his old army mates was at Chris’ memorial, where he’d told them he was getting married to Whitney. He could picture all the awkward questions and disapproving looks when they going out the truth. 

“You don’t have to tell em anything of you don’t want to.” Lee had reassured him. “Let’s just go get bladdered and have a laugh, like old times.” Thing was those old times were never that fun for Callum. He’d always put on his mask to hide his true self and he was worried he’d be right back there. Eventually he gave in to Lee and before he knew it they were on their way to Manchester. When they arrived they quickly caught up with Johnny and his boyfriend Dylan, then headed out to the pub where they were meeting the lads. As they walked in they were greeted by shouts of “Carter!” and “Halfway!” Callum’s stomach was churning at the sound of that nickname, he wasn’t that person anymore and didn’t want to play the game. Fighting the urge to turn and run straight back out the door, he walked in behind Lee hoping things wouldn’t be as bad as he thought. After about an hour of listening to their tales, the dreaded question came up. 

“So Halfway, how’s the missus? Last time we saw you you were about to strap on the old ball and chain,” his friend Hugh asked with a wink.

“Em.” Callum hesitated for a moment. Part of him wanted to lie, to continue to hide behind the mask he’d put on for all those years. But then all of a sudden he glanced at Lee, Lee just smiled letting him know he was happy to go along with whatever he wanted to say. Callum realised in that moment he didn’t want to hide anymore. Now was his time to prove how strong he was. “Actually it never went ahead.”

“Sorry mate, didn’t mean to put me foot it it.” Hugh mumbled awkwardly.

“Nah mate it’s alright. It’s all good in fact. Wouldn’t have been fair to carry on as we were. Especially as I’m gay.” Callum laughed trying to hide the fact the whole of his body was trembling inside. One of the lads spat his pint out, more in shock than anything else. Then there was a stunned silence for a few seconds as everybody took stock of the news. Lee beamed at Callum with pride, sending him a knowing nod. “Don’t worry guys none of you are my type. Promise you’re safe,” he tried to break the tension with a half arsed joke. 

“Well you are full of surprises ain’t ya!” Hugh laughed back. “Explains why you were always so shit with women.” All the lads began to laugh nervously. He could tell some of them weren’t completely okay with the revelation, but he didn’t care. All he felt was a sense of relief and proud of himself. Finally being able to be honest about who he was with a group of people he’d always been to afraid to let to see the real him. Lee soon changed the topic of conversation and things soon settled down. He knew he was the recipient of the odd funny look throughout the evening and would no doubt be the subject of conversations after they’d gone their separate ways, but he didn’t care. He felt free. That combined with the copious amount of alcohol that he drank, made him feel better about himself than he had in a longtime. Maybe he could do this, he himself, be happy, even without Ben in his life.

After sleeping off an almighty hangover the next morning, the time came for him and the Carter boys to head home to Walford that afternoon . He’d switched his phone just as they left and sent Stuart a text to say he was coming home. After continual buzzes with a backlog of messages and notifications from social media for the first 10 minutes his phone eventually went quiet. A little while into the journey his phone went off again. His heart raced when he saw who the message was from, knowing the message had only just been sent. It was like the universe was sending him a sign. He needed to learn to deal with the fact he had to face Ben sometime soon. The thing he’d been avoiding thinking about the whole time he was away. A war broke out between his head and his heart. Heart saying reply, head saying ignore it. He slid his phone inside his pocket and leaned his head against the window. Knowing what he had to do when he got back, no matter how hard it would be. Hoping he had the strength in him to see it through.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Callum tries to find a way to settle back to life on the square. Him and Ben finally see each other again but it’s not the reunion that either would have hoped for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for anyone who has taken the time to read, give Kudos and comment on this story so far. I can’t tell you how much it means to hear people are enjoying it. 
> 
> I’ve changed the previous chapter notes to say that the story is set about a year in the future from events in the actual show. Ben has had his operation and it was successful so most of his hearing has been restored. I realised I hadn’t made that very clear in my writing so hope it makes sense to everyone now. Also Jay knows about Peter and Lola and they are currently trying to work this out. I do have very limited understanding of hearing loss and cochlear implants so I do apologise in advance if there are inaccuracies with this aspect of the story. 
> 
> I’m going to try and update every few days, but it just depends on how much time I have to write. Any mistakes are mine. Feel free to comment as hearing your thoughts has really helped me to write more. Hope you enjoy :-)

As Callum stepped onto the pavement outside The Funeral Parlour, he felt a sense of dread. The reality of being home finally hitting him. Waves of nausea filled his stomach and he felt his heart thudding like is was about to break out of his ribcage. Being back in Walford should feel familiar and comforting but it was like stepping into and unknown land. One with a gaping Ben shaped hole in it, a hole he knew he would have to learn to navigate his way around. The first step being going back to the flat, a flat that should be now be void of Ben’s things. He let out a deep breath he didn’t know he’d been holding in. “Fresh start,” he whispered to himself as he pushed the door open. Slowly he climbed the stairs to the flat, almost hoping Stuart and Rainie wouldn’t be there he would be allowed a few hours grace to adjust. Of course he wouldn’t be granted this and before he knew it Stuart was pulling him into a bear hug. 

“Woah!” He called out as his brother greeted him. “Anyone’d think you missed me.” 

“Bruv, it’s so good to have you back.” Stuart replied sighing with a sense of relief.

“Welcome back.” Rainie hollered from the kitchen. “Cuppa tea?”

Callum really didn’t feel like it right now, all he wanted was to grab a shower and call it an early night, still feeling the effects of last night and the long car journey. But seeing how excited they were to see him he knew he couldn’t just disappear on them straight away. “If hot chocolate’s on offer then I won’t say no.” He scanned the living room before he went to sit down at the table. A sense of sadness washed over him as he realised all the photos of him and Ben had been taken down. He suspected it was Stuart thinking he was helping by removing any trace of Ben. He couldn’t imagine that Ben would have taken them as souvenirs of their now extinct relationship. Maybe it was for the best, reminders of them being happy would probably chip away at the resolve he’d struggled to find.

“Sit down, tell us about your trip,” Stuart’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts. “How’s Lee doin?”

“He’s really good. He’s doin well for himself. You might see him round, him and Johnny came back for a visit. Thought they’d surprise their Mum and Dad” Callum thought he’d better warn Stuart, as he knew any reunion they had might not be a warm one, considering Stuart’s history with the Carter family. 

“Right,” Stuart mumbled knowing he probably wouldn’t be first on their list of people they wanted to catch up with. “And how bout you? How you doin now? We’ve been worried ain’t we Rainie?” Raine just nodded as she joined them placing their drinks in front of them. 

“Thanks.” Callum muttered as he picked up his cup, taking a sip and managing to gather his thoughts before replying. “I’m alright. Honestly I am. It did me good getting away. Helped me clear my head and start to… you know… move on from things.”

“You sure Bruv. I know how cut up you were when you left. You can be talk ta me ya know,” Stuart reached over and grabbed Callum’s hand trying to comfort him.

“Well I ain’t gonna lie, first few weeks were tough and I know it will be tricky to settle back into a rhythm now I’m back…” Callum paused to gather himself, not wanting to admit to how the prospect of getting on with his life again was filling him with fear, “But I’m getting there and I will be okay. Promise.”

“Well if he knows what’s good for him he’ll stay away. I coulda flamin wrung his neck for hurtin ya and driving ya away. Luckily our paths ain’t crossed yet, bet he’s avoiding us little…”

“Stu!” Callum stopped him. “I really don’t need to or want to talk about him right now. And I don’t need you bashin him all the time. It’s done now and I need to move on and so do you.” Stuart held his hands up in surrender and nodded. All of a sudden, the realisation of what Stuart said hit Callum. “Wait if you haven’t seen him, did he not collect his stuff?” 

“Well he did, must’ve done it when we were out cos we just came back one day and his games n DVD’s we’re gone.” But he ain’t left his keys just to warn you.” Rainie answered trying to alleviate any tension that could rise between him and Stuart.

Callum‘s shoulders tensed a little. The last thing he needed was Ben just walking in when he felt like it. Hopefully it wouldn’t come to that. “Sure he will at some point,” he sighed. “Will have to face each other eventually, so maybe I’ll get em back then. Can we change the subject now please? What else have I missed then?” Stuart and Rainie were happy to fill him on the gossip from the square. Martin and Ruby getting it on, Stacey kicking off when she found out. Max still playing dirty tricks when it came to giving Rainie a divorce. An embarrassing incident at a funeral, where there’d been a fight between two sisters over their father’s will, which ended with one of them being pushed into an open grave in the cemetery. 

“How bout we go to the Vic, celebrate you being back?” Stuart asked gleefully. It was clear he had missed Callum. 

“Or we could try The Albert?” Rainie suggested with a wink, “Let the male population of Walford Borough know about the hottie whose recently back on the market.” Stuart’s face fell at this, but then he quickly tensed his lips into the scariest fake smile Callum had seen and nodded uncomfortably. If Callum wasn’t so horrified by the thought, he might have gone along with it as watching Stuart feign being comfortable in the Albert sounded highly amusing. However the thought of Rainie trying to force him into talking to random blokes or helping him find a replacement for Ben filled him with anxiety. He wasn’t ready to move on just yet and even when he was he needed to find a way he was comfortable with doing so, without anyone’s help.

“Nah thanks. To be honest I’m knackered and still hanging from last night. Just wanna grab a shower and early night if that’s alright. You guys go out though. Don’t feel like you have to babysit me.” Callum stood up to leave the table and head towards the bathroom. 

“Okay Bruv, whatever you need. It’s good to have you back.” Stuart met Callum with a warm hug. Callum just nodded and headed for the bathroom, glad that all his stuff was still in there and he could delay going into the bedroom for a bit longer. As he closed the door behind him, he let out a deep sigh. He walked over to turn the shower, mainly to drown out the voices he could hear coming from the lounge. He really couldn’t deal with listening to them talking about him right now. Eventually he heard heavy thuds on the stairs and knew they had left. Stepping into the shower he let the water cascade over him, hoping to help wash away the ache he felt in his body and pounding in his head. After a few minutes he turned the shower off and reached for his towel. Wrapping it tightly around his waist, he opened the door and walked slowly towards the bedroom, picking his bag up on the way. The weight of his legs increased as he found it hard to enter the room, thoughts filling his head about last time he was home and how broken he was. Shaking his head, urging himself to get it together, he reached the door, stepping through and closing it behind him. 

Once again he scanned the room, looking for any changes. The wardrobe door was open and he soon noticed that Ben’s half was completely clear. As he leant back against the door, he realised that Ben’s dressing gown was no longer hang there. The bedside table where Ben had used to keep his container for his implant equipment and glasses case was clear. He almost felt relieved that Ben had listened to his request, hoping it would make it easier to be there without constant reminders of him filling the room. He grabbed some clean boxers and a t-shirt from his drawers and threw them on. Climbing into bed, he pulled the covers over him and lay looking at the empty space in front of him. Allowing himself one final thought of Ben and the memories they’d shared here, he rubbed his hand over the adjacent pillow. Memories of them making love, holding each other, laughing, late night chats where they shared their innermost thoughts and feelings swirled in his mind for what felt like hours. Smiling fondly he remembered that it hadn’t all been bad and hoped that maybe one day they could even salvage a friendship. Exhaustion finally hit and he drifted off into some sort of sleep, vivid pictures of certain sparkling blue eyes and a cheeky smile dominating his dreams. 

The following morning he was woken up by his alarm and a reminder about a meeting with his boss at 11am. He was relieved to see Rainie and Stuart has already left when he emerged from the bedroom. He loved them both but didn’t fancy another awkward conversation over breakfast. He did consider going for a run but wasn’t sure he was ready to bump into Ben or his family just yet. So he sorted out some of his stuff and washing to take to the laundrette later. Just as he was about to leave he got a text from Lee asking if he fancied a pint later with the Carters and arranged to meet them at the Vic later that evening. He was a little apprehensive about seeing Ben there but knew he’d probably be safe as the Carters wouldn’t cause a scene and it was highly unlikely Ben would want to talk in such a public place anyway. The meeting with his boss went as well as could be expected. He’d agreed that Callum was welcome back but warned him in no uncertain terms he had to be careful about unwise associations. Callum knew exactly what he was referring to and assured him it wouldn’t be a problem in future. They’d agreed he could return to work next week and Callum felt excited about it. He did love his job and it was something he knew he could rely on to keep him busy. Something he very much needed to be at the moment. 

Before he knew it it was time to meet the Carters at Vic. Stuart and Rainie were heading there too, so they walked together, giving Callum a sense of security. When he got there he spotted Johnny at a table on his own. He said it his goodbyes to Rainie and Stuart and headed over to join him. 

“Are we early or something?” Callum asked wondering where the other’s were.

“Nah, apparently Shirley had some emergency so is late coming to babysit Ollie and Lee bumped into Whitney on the way over. I made a sharp exit and left them to talk. Did not fancy being caught up in someone else’s relationship dramas tonight,” Johnny scrunched his face up at the thought. “Drink?”

“I’ll get em. Say thanks for gettin me home in one piece. Not sure I’d have handled the train in my state.” Both laughed remembering the state Lee and him had been in the other night. As Callum headed to the bar he failed to spot the nudge and wink Rainie gave Stuart as a sly grin appeared on her face whilst she looked over at them. 

Ben’s still hadn’t heard anything from Callum. He knew his message had been read, but still no reply had come. Sat in The Car Lot office earlier in the day, he kept looking at the screen over and over, grabbing his phone in anticipation anytime it buzzed, only to feel disappointed every time someone else’s name appeared on the notification banner. He didn’t know what he was expecting, was it that Callum would see it and instantly forgive him or that he’d tell him to stick his offer to talk where the sun don’t shine? But not hearing anything, that was killing him, he had no idea what Callum was thinking or that he was okay. He hated this. Feeling so distant from the person he’d once been the closest to. 

“Alright?” his thoughts were broken by Jay who had been sat observing Ben and his constant obsession with checking his phone for sometime. “Waiting for a call from anyone in particular?”

“I text Callum yesterday. No reply.” Ben sighed 

“Oh. Well he did ask you not to,”  
Jay reminded him. “But I know he turned us phone off didn’t want anyone bothering him while he was away.” Jay instantly regretted offering that last bit of information up to Ben.

Ben’s forehead wrinkled as his eyebrows curled inwards with confusion. “How d’ya know that? Have you spoke to Stuart or somethin?” 

“Nah. I messaged him the day he left to check he was alright. Said not to worry but was turning his phone off, so not to expect to hear off him for a while.” Jay sheepishly replied. “Think he just wanted some proper space to sort his head out.”

Ben nodded knowingly, “Probably making sure I couldn’t bother him more like,” he shrugged “Not that I blame him.”

“Look mate, worse thing you can do in these situations is push too hard. When I found out about Peter and Lo, I was so angry I couldn’t think straight and her constant messages, phone calls and being in my face didn’t help. I needed time to sort me head out and see what I wanted and needed. Eventually her leaving me alone did us both good. Not saying things are anyway near back on track but we’re starting to get there slowly. But I needed to be ready and to take things at my pace. Sure in time Callum will feel the same,” Jay tried his best to reassure him. 

“Hope so,” Ben whispered not convinced that Jay was right. 

“How bout me and you go for a drink tonight in the Vic? Take your mind of things. Just a quiet one mind got that customer coming back first thing.”

“Dunno mate.” Ben replied

“Come on mate, it’ll do you good to get out. I know you’ve been keeping your head down avoiding ya Dad, but he ain’t stepped foot in that place since Sharon took over so we’ll be safe there. Come on Bruv.” Jay almost begged him.

“Alright. I’ll come over when I’ve put Lex to bed.” Ben reluctantly agreed. Jay smiled at him and turned back to his work. 

He’d practically had to force himself out of the door that night. Texting Jay to say he was on his way, he hoped he would already be there so he wasn’t on his own. Luckily the Vic was in close proximity to the Beale household and he knew he wouldn’t be likely to bump in his Dad on the way. He’d successfully managed to ignore and avoid him the last few weeks and he didn’t want that to change anytime soon. At least the Vic should be quiet on a Monday night so hopefully him and Jay could hide away in the corner somewhere. As soon as he stepped in he instantly regretted going out, immediately coming face to face with Stuart and Rainie. This was all he needed, after successfully avoiding them for the past few weeks too. “Typical,” he mumbled under his breath. They both saw him straight away and he could see annoyance that covered their face. Rainie put her hand against Stuart’s chest as if to stop him advancing, muttering quiet words to him as she did. Ben was taken off guard a little bit when Rainie stepped towards him grabbing his arm and moving him towards the corner. 

“Might wanna find somewhere else to drink tonight if I were you,” she spoke very quietly but forcefully as if she didn’t want to cause a scene. 

“Look I don’t want any trouble. Just meeting Jay for a quiet drink. It’s a free country after all,” Ben really couldn’t be bothered with the hassle but he also didn’t want to let Jay down. Then he heard a familiar sound, a laugh in the background. If it was any other person he probably wouldn’t have been able to pick it out, blended in with the sea of noise, but this one he was tuned into. One he’d remembered so many times and that haunted his dreams in the past few weeks. Callum was here. He’d come back. Ben’s heart began to race, his hands began to tremble, waves of excitement and nausea sailed through his entire body. He stepped to side to get a better view of where he was. Callum had his back to him, but he recognised him instantly and couldn’t help but smile in relief that he was once again in the same orbit as him. 

Rainie once again stepped in front of him. “Look, he’s having a good time, clearly moved on. And let’s face it, he’s much better for him than you could ever be. Makes much more sense than you two ever did!” Rainie uttered in spite. 

Ben screwed his face in confusion, he had no idea what she was on about. He’d been so wrapped up in the prospect of being near Callum, he hadn’t paid any attention to who else was in the pub. Then he looked over her shoulder and realised who she was referring to. Johnny Carter. Ben’s heart immediately sank through his feet, a crushing sensation completely enveloping him. It was almost as if he lost the ability to breathe. Surely Callum wouldn’t go there. Surely Johnny wouldn’t, he was a mate and Ben knew he would have definitely been told about him and Callum. Rainie had to to be winding him up. Then he saw, how they were together laughing, sitting really close, looking so at ease in each other’s company and he began to doubt himself. A wave of panic hit him. Johnny was perfect for Callum, the exact kind of man he deserved, one whose family already adored him. All of Ben’s insecurities came to the surface, that he wasn’t good enough for Callum, didn’t deserve him, fearing that he could be about to lose Callum for good to someone who did. He was so lost in his thoughts he hadn’t notice Jay arrive and had stopped listening to whatever Rainie was saying. Flight or fight mode had kicked in. Part of him wanting to run back out the door and hide away from the world, but then something snapped in him, when did he ever run away from a fight. He was Ben Mitchell after all and he didn’t just roll over and die. He certainly wasn’t prepared to go down easily and he knew how to fight dirty and hit that low blow to win. 

Jay could see the red mist descend on Bens face and tried to stop him but Ben just shrugged him off. Barging past Rainie and Stuart and anyone else in his way he stormed over to where Callum and Johnny were sitting. “Alright Lads!” he exclaimed as he got there. 

Callum turned instantly recognising Ben’s voice. Ben noticed how good he looked and saw he was just as beautiful as he remembered. Callum’s big blue eyes widened when he saw Ben. He looked a bit like a deer caught in the headlights. Obviously not prepared to see Ben yet, his heart immediately began to beat rapidly and he began to sweat. There was also a small wave of happiness and relief to see him and know he was okay. Although it was obvious from the dark lines under his eyes and the way his shirt hung loosely around him, he may not have been looking after himself the best he could. Callum froze, not sure how to handle being near Ben again. 

Johnny was excited to see him. He beamed at Ben with a warm smile and stood up to pull Ben in to a huge hug. “Ben mate it’s so good to see you! How are you?”

As he pulled back from the embrace, Ben tilted his head and clicked his neck, faking a smile and hoping to feign a sense of calmness, despite how he felt inside. “Me. Never better mate. This looks cosy hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

Both Callum and Johnny’s face contorted in confusion. Johnny then raised his eyebrows when the realisation hit him of what Ben was getting at “No we’re just…” he tried to explain.

“Cos I’ll just give you a heads up Callum. You might find him a bit lacking in the old bedroom department, especially after being with a me. Let’s just say his horizontal gymnastic skills ain’t quite up to mine.” Ben squeezed his lips together into a slight smirk as he spoke.

“Ben!” Callum exclaimed both in shock and horror at his words. 

“What? I’m just saying I can speak from experience, once was definitely enough if you get my meaning. You’d have fun with Callum though. He’s had a really good teacher, taught him all my best tricks.” Ben winked at Callum hoping he had made the situation awkward enough to put a stop to any blossoming romance. 

Callum’s cheeks quickly turned red with a mixture of both embarrassment and anger. Some of it at himself as he’d let Ben’s words get to him. He wasn’t aware of Johnny and Ben’s hook up and he hated to admit he felt like he’d been kicked in the stomach at the thought of it. It’s most felt like he’d been winded and was unable to speak, momentarily dazed by the whole situation and new revelation. However he wasn’t the only one who’d been embarrassed by the situation.

“What the hell Ben?” Johnny cried out. “What is your problem?”

“My problem is that I’ve just walked in here to find my so called mate all over my fella…” Ben was cut off abruptly as Callum suddenly felt a rage burn inside him at Ben’s words and couldn’t contain it any longer.

“What is the matter with you? One, I ain’t your fella anymore. Two, there is nothin goin on here apart from two old mates catching up. And three, even if there was it’s none of your business anymore.” Callum fumed at him. “Who the hell do you think you are?” Ben realised he’d totally misread everything and seeing the pure disgust in Callum’s face made him sense he’d made things 10 times worse between them. He watched as Callum rose from his seat, looking at Johnny. “Tell the others I’m sorry. I’ll catch em some other time. Suddenly gone right off the idea of drinkin in here tonight.”

Ben reached out to grab his arm. “Callum wait,” he implored. 

Callum yanked his arm free. “Here was me hopin, we could find a way to be mates. What an idiot eh? Just stay away from me!” Turning on his heel he marched out of the pub. Not looking back once. Ben stepped forward to follow him but Stuart stopped him with a warning.

“Think you’ve done enough damage don’t you?” he snarled as he pushed past him. 

Just then Ben felt another tug on his arm. “Think me and you need a little chat don’t we.” Johnny stated, clearly annoyed with Ben. He motioned at him to follow him out of the pub and into the square. Ben felt sick, not only had he pushed Callum further away, but he’d also completely embarrassed Johnny in front of the pub. He gestured to Jay to let him know he was going with Johnny and solemnly followed him out of the pub. They walked into the middle of the square and sat on Arthur’s bench. Ben just hung his head low too ashamed to look at Johnny. 

Johnny eventually tapped his leg getting him to look at him. “Do you wanna tell me what the hell that was all about in there?”

“I’m sorry alright,” Ben eventually sighed. “I just…I dunno… I’m just sorry.” He didn’t have the words, all he wanted to do was hide away again. His head was a mess again, he felt vulnerable and terrified that he’d put the final nail in the coffin of his and Callum’s relationship. Johnny put his hand on his shoulder, he could sense that Ben was fragile and didn’t want to push too hard. It wasn’t the first time they’d been in this position Ben lashing out at Johnny in anger and frustration. First over coming out, then over what happened with Paul. Johnny knew he had to handle this carefully or he risked Ben withdrawing into himself.

“Right well I’m hoping it weren’t about the bizarre need to expose the flaws in my sexual prowess to the whole of Walford. Cos I tell you what, once was enough for me too and I could definitely give you an equally harsh critique.” Johnny uttered in a semi serious tone. Then he smiled trying to let Ben know he wasn’t too angry. “I’m guessing it was more to do with Callum?” Ben nodded. “You can’t seriously think there would ever be anything going on between us. You do know he’s like a brother to me, in fact him and Lee used to pretend they were brothers when we were kids. Plus I’m fully aware of his history with you and I’m quite fond of me bits thanks.” Johnny took out his phone and held it up to Ben’s face before he gave his final reason why he’d never wasn’t interested in Callum, “And I’ve got a gorgeous bloke in Manchester, who is more than satisfied with my performance so I don’t need your sloppy seconds.”

Ben scrunched his face at that and looked towards Jinny’s phone shrugging his shoulders, “He’s alright I s’pose. Rather have Callum though if I’m honest. Nothing sloppy about him believe me.” Ben shook his head in disbelief and annoyance that once again he’d messed it up. Ben looked at Johnny and saw the pity in his eyes, it reminded him of the look he had when he first told him the truth about Paul’s death. He remembered how supportive Johnny had been and decided maybe he could talk to him about what had just happened. “Did he tell you what happened with us?”

Johnny shook his head, “We never talked about you I promise. Think he talked things through with Lee before we met up, but never mentioned anything to me.” 

Ben didn’t want to go into detail, especially as Johnny was a lawyer and he didn’t want to compromise him as well. “Well to cut a long story short. I ballsed it up. Put my Dad before him, made him feel like he didn’t matter to me. And he does. He really does. I didn’t think I could love anyone like I loved Paul but I do. I love him, maybe even more…but you know me rubbish at showing it.” Squeezing his eyes shut to hold in any tears. “I didn’t even know he was back, so I wasn’t prepared to see him and then Rainie made out yous were on a date and the green-eyed monster hit. I thought if he knew me and you had y’know… maybe it would stop him going there with you.” He put his hands to his face, suddenly embarrassed by the thought. “In hindsight wasn’t the best of moves, probably hates me even more now.” He couldn’t hold back any longer and one lonely tear escaped crawling of his cheek. He wiped it away quickly.

“For what it’s worth I don’t think he hates ya. He wouldn’t have wanted to try and be mates if he did.” Johnny said reassuringly. “Look, I think you should talk to him. Maybe not right now. Think he needs to cool off a bit. But you need to tell him what you just told me. Explain what happened in there. But I also think if you want to try and save and kind of relationship, you need to listen to him. Let him tell you what he wants and needs from you. Show him you’re prepared to give it to him. That how he feels matters. Don’t let this hurt and anger between you at the moment cloud what you had.”

“What if what he wants is me out of his life for good?” Ben fought the tears again. 

“It might not come to that, but if it does then you have to respect that and try to move on. Look I know it’s hard but it’s the only chance you’ve got of salvaging anything with him, even a friendship. It ain’t easy but you’ll get through it. I’m sure. When Paul died, you thought that was it, you’d never get over it and be able to move on. And here you are, so crazy over a bloke you’re making a scene in front of the whole pub.” Johnny spoke firmly but positively trying to reassure him.

“I don’t know if I’ve got the strength to survive losing him and still having to be around him and see him all time.  
Don’t know how I’d cope,” Ben uttered, bottom lip trembling. 

“There are people here who love you and are willing to help you pick up the pieces if you let them. So let them.” Johnny gave him one last hug as he spoke. Just then he saw his family going into the pub quickly followed by Stuart, he’d obviously not been able to find Callum. “Look I best go and tell them lot what happened, before Stuart sticks his awe in and you have them on your case too. But talk to him yeah, don’t let it fester and poison the good memories you have together.” 

Ben nodded and smiled at Johnny as he stood to leave. “I’m sorry for what I said. Just so you know I’ve had worse.”

“And I’ve had way better!” Johnny chuckled. “Look I’m around this week if you wanna talk yeh. Number’s the same so text me.” Johnny gave him a fond smile as he headed back across the square, before disappearing into the Vic. Ben took his phone out of his pocket, briefly tempted to text Callum and say sorry. He thought better of it, realising tonight might not be the right time. He wasn’t sure how he was going to convince Callum to give him the time of day after what he’d done tonight. Then he suddenly remembered something that might help. If he could get Callum to be in the same room as him on his own for ten minutes, then maybe they stood a chance to talk it through. He knew the odds were stacked against him but he had to give it one last try. He wasn’t ready to throw the towel in just yet.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Callum finally talk and come to an understanding about how to move forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I just want to say thank you for your kudos and comments on the story. It really means a lot and has encouraged me to keep going with the story.
> 
> Just a reminder that this is set about a year in the future compared to the show. Ben had had his operation and it was a success so most of his hearing as been restored. Also Jay knows about Peter and Lola and they are working through it. I have very limited understanding of cochlear implants and hearing loss, so I apologise in advance if their are inaccuracies with this. 
> 
> All mistakes are mine. Hope you enjoy 😊

Callum had walked around for a couple of hours trying to clear his head. A mixture of emotions swirled in his mind, anger at Ben for the way he behaved, embarrassment at his sex life had once again been topic of a conversation in public and a sense of unease at the thought of Ben and Johnny being together. He knew it would have been long before him and Ben and he knew Ben had a past. It’s not like he hadn’t been reminded of it on several occasions on nights out in The Albert, when men had approached Ben looking for a repeat performance. But that never bothered him, Ben rarely remembered the names of those men, it was all meaningless. But Johnny and Ben had remained friends afterwards, they still had a bond and that’s what was causing the jealousy inside Callum. He had to snap out of it, he couldn’t let Ben get to him and spoil his friendship with Johnny. He knew he had to let his feelings for Ben go if he was ever going to move on. With their relationship over and in the tatters it was, he had no right to feel jealous anymore. When he got back home, he was relieved to see that Stuart wasn’t there. He text him and told him he was back and heading to bed. Settling into bed, he knew he had little chance of sleep. Mulling over everything that happened that night the whirlwind of emotions still blew through his mind. Initial anger at Ben for is behaviour, ruining his night and trying to drive a wedge between him and Johnny, eventually turned into after sadness. It dawned on him that if tonight had showed him anything, it was Ben wasn’t ready to move on. He’d kind of hoped that one day they could have a friendship like him and Whitney have. Judging by tonight that would never happen. As special as Ben was to Callum, he realised he could no longer have him in his life, it would just be too difficult. Tears began to flow again and exhausted him. Not for the first time, he cried himself to sleep at the thought of not having Ben in his life at all.

The next morning he woke from a very broken sleep, feeling more tired than he probably would have if he’d have stayed awake all night. Joining Stuart and Rainie for breakfast, he assured them he was fine and asked them not to talk about last night. He really couldn’t deal with them going on about what a dickhead Ben was last night and he really didn’t want to talk about Ben’s history with Johnny. They agreed, not wanting to upset Callum further and headed out for work. Deciding he needed to release some of the tension he was feeling, he went for a run, carefully choosing his route to avoid as many people as possible. With each pound of his foot against the pavement, he felt a piece of tension pushed out of him. Returning back to the flat he headed straight to the bathroom and peeled off his sweat drenched clothes, before jumping in the shower. When he got out and dried off he felt fresher and hoped that it would help set the mood for the day. He wrapped he towel around his waist and headed into the lounge. What he wasn’t expecting was Ben to be standing there, waiting for him. His heart began to race, he wasn’t sure if it was the shock of seeing him, the anger that he’d just walked into his home without invitation or just the just the general affect he still had over him.

Ben was also taken aback at seeing Callum standing there in just his towel. His heart also began to pound at a dynamic rate. He was already nervous at the thought of facing Callum, but seeing him in a state of undress, sent his whole body into overdrive. Callum looked heavenly, hair soft, small beads of water glistening on his skin, toned body tense so his muscles were prominent. Ben couldn’t help the physical reaction he had to seeing him like this. Almost all the blood in Ben’s head drained from his brain to the growing bulge in his trousers. In another situation he’d have pounced on Callum, ripped the towel from him and worshipped his body, making it clear how much he’d missed him. Of course now wasn’t the time. He forced his eyes to look up meeting Callum’s. Both men stared intently at the other, seeming incapable of looking away. Both gulping hard and breathing deeply, trying desperately to swallow back the wave of emotion they both felt.

It felt like an eternity before Callum eventually spoke. “Thought I told you to stay away… and leave your keys actually, but then again when did you ever listen to what I want?”

“I’m sorry. Guess listening’s never been my strong point. Even now I’ve got my hearing back,” he tried to make a joke but soon sensed Callum was not in the mood. “I came to apologise for last night. Guess we can add it the list of misdemeanours in my file hey officer.” Callum glared at him, obviously not finding any of Ben’s attempt at humour amusing at all. “I’m sorry…”

“I’m not interested Ben. Just go!” Callum cut him off, he really didn’t want another fight. The butterflies in his stomach and rapid increase in his heart rate, just from being in close proximity to Ben, threatened to betray him. He couldn’t let that happen and break the resolve he’d built in his mind.

“Please. I know you owe me nothing and I have no right to ask anything of you, but can we talk? Please.”Ben’s voice broke as he begged for a chance.

“Stu and Rain could be back any min and I doubt you’ll get a warm reception from them, especially after that stunt last night,” Callum resisted trying to think of any excuse not to deal with this right now. “I can’t handle bein in the middle of you lot right now, on top of everything else.” .

“I’ve asked Jay to keep him busy at the parlour. I waited til you got back from your run to make sure you were alone. Please just ten mins. Then I’ll go,” Ben wasn’t going to give up.

“Got it all planned out haven’t you. Catching me unawares, in a position where I can’t just throw you out,” he moved his arms up and down his body to highlight his current state.

“Not exactly. Could be worse, could’ve just come in the bathroom. That would have put me in a much more favourable position,” he said raising his eyebrows suggestively. He couldn’t help but flirt with him, even though he knew it probably wouldn’t go down well. “Look I’m sorry, I just knew you probably wouldn’t let me in if I buzzed and I knew that them two wouldn’t let me near you if they were here… I just needed a chance to explain things to you. Talk properly,” his tone changed to one more pleading, desperate for a chance to fix things. “Just ten minutes. I promise. Please!”

“Not sure your promises count for much anymore,” Callum replied his voice worn. “Ten minutes and that’s it. Just let me get some clothes on.” Ben nodded as Callum paced into the bedroom and closed the door, leaning against it breathing deeply. He desperately tried to regain composure as he dressed slowly. Knowing he had to be resolute and not back down on what he needed. Hoping the ache in his heart, would not drown out the reasoning in his head.

He returned to the lounge a few minutes later, dressed casually in his joggers and t-shirt. Making sure he maintained his distance, “Well go on then. Talk,” he shrugged his shoulders and held his hand out, gesturing for Ben to speak.

Ben wasn’t sure where to start, there were so many things he needed to say, he thought he should start with explaining his behaviour tonight. “I’m so sorry for yesterday. I was jealous. Rainie kinda implied you two were on a date and I freaked out.”

“Green-eyed monster is an ugly look on anyone Ben, but you took it to a whole new level. You gonna behave like that every time you see me talking to a bloke.” Callum interjected.

“It weren’t just about being jealous, I mean I was don’t get me wrong, but it was more than that. I weren’t expecting to see you and I was so relieved and happy when I realised you were back. It just threw me. Then when Rainie made out you two were like together I just lost it. I thought yeh that makes sense, that’s the kinda bloke Callum deserves, someone kind, funny, honest, A Carter for crying out loud. Everything I’m not, someone who deserves to have you love them.” Callum felt a wave of sadness hit him, why couldn’t Ben see what he saw. “And I was terrified,” Ben continued “Terrified cos it hit me if you got with him, then I’d lose you for good. So I did what I always do. I went low, fought dirty. I knew if you found out about me and him you probably wouldn’t go there, so I made sure you did. I know it was stupid but I was so desperate to cling on to you in anyway I could.”

“You didn’t have to be so cruel, embarrass him like that and me. I mean what you gonna do when you see on an actual date? What other gems have you got you could use to sabotage things eh?” Callum began to get angry, he took a breath before he continued. “He’s like my kid brother Ben. I would never go there.” Callum responded.

“I know. I know…it was stupid. I weren’t thinking straight.” Ben rubbed his face harshly as he spoke. Trying to run away the shame felt.

“He’s supposed to be your mate Ben. He didn’t deserve you doin that to him. It was outta order!” Callum raised his arms to signal his annoyance.

“I have apologised to him to as well. He was pretty good about it considering. Another thing you and him have in common, I guess, being understanding.” Ben breathed out heavily trying hard to keep himself from breaking. “In that moment all I saw was you finding someone who was good enough for ya and I couldn’t bear it.”

Callum just shook his head dejected, desperately trying to keep composure. “This has never been about you being good enough for me. I have never once felt that you’re not good enough for me. You’re the only one who ever thought that.”

“I know,” Ben sighed deeply. “I realised it when we talked in the park. I got how I’d made you feel like you were second best and that your feelings didn’t matter, but I promise that’s not true. Everything you said was right, I was just so focused on getting Phil’s approval, I never realised what I was doing to you. I never meant to hurt you Callum. I’m so sorry.” That was all it took to open up the floodgates both men allowed tears to spill gently. “I’ve missed you so much. I want you to know I’ve changed. I’ve cut him out my life completely, not spoken to him for weeks. I want nothing more to do with him and his dodgy deals. I’m going straight, properly this time. I really want to put this right between us, fix it. I’ll do anything you want... I chose you.... I love you.” Ben stepped a little closer to Callum as he spoke hoping that his words may have closed some of the distance between them.

Callum had been waiting so long to hear Ben say these things, but after all the lies and false promises, he couldn’t trust they were true. He had to fight the part of him that wanted to just allow Ben to take him in his arms and go back to where they were. Slowly he stepped away putting his arm up as a gesture for Ben to stop. “I’m happy for you. I really am. It’s great you’re trying to finally break free from that man’s clutches. I really hope you can do it this time,” Callum sniffed. “But I’m not sure I can believe it yet. I can’t trust you Ben.”

“But…” Ben shook his head slightly as he tried to speak.

“Please just listen. While I was away I did a lot of thinkin. I felt so lost and broken when I left. I’ve only ever been my true self with you there to hold my hand. I didn’t know if I’d have the strength to do it without you. But then I came out to my old army mates, on my own and I was proud of myself, of who I am. I felt like I’d found myself again. And for the first time I realised maybe I could do this without you. Maybe I need to do this without you.” Ben tried to speak but he didn’t know what to say. Callum continued after a while, “I’ve only ever been in two relationships. With Whit it weren’t even real. I was so scared of anyone seeing the real me I did anything to please her, just let her be in control. Then with you, you gave me the confidence and the strength to be who I am. I never had to hide with you and always felt comfortable enough to stand up for myself. But with everythin that’s happened I’ve lost all the trust I had in you…in us. If we got back together, I’d be constantly second guessing what you were doin, if you were lyin to me and I can’t be in a relationship like that. I’d lose myself again,” he took another pause and looked towards the ceiling almost praying for strength before he looked back at Ben finishing what he needed to say. “Right now I feel good about myself, comfortable in my own skin and I want it to stay that way. I need to be with someone who I can trust and that ain’t you right now. I’m sorry Ben,” Callum was clear and unwavering in how he felt.

Ben felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer to his heart. Callum’s words had cut him deep. He gulped trying to control his emotions as she asked. “Don’t you love me no more?”

Callum approached him slowly, gently reaching out for his hand and placing it between both of his. He could see a Ben was hurting and he hated the thought of being the one who was causing this. “I’ll always love you Ben. I don’t think I’d be the person I am if it wasn’t for you. You’ll always be so important to me. But it’s not right for me to be with you right now. I need a fresh start,” he took a long pause and a deep breath, trying hard to stay strong. “If you love me, you’ll let me go.” Once again they two men gazed into each other’s tear filled eyes, both could see that the other was broken, both sensing the guilt they both felt. Ben thought about the advice Johnny had given him. As much as his heart was breaking he knew he had to listen to what Callum needed and wanted. For once he had to put him first. He gently released himself from Callum’s hands and nodded softly, walking away and letting himself out of the flat. He couldn’t look back at Callum, it was too painful, he couldn’t serve him a blow of guilt of seeing Ben breaking. It was clear he was suffering enough. Once he knew Ben had gone. Callum sank to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. That was the hardest thing he’d ever had to do, even if he knew it was for best for him.

Ben slumped against the outside of the door. He wanted to scream, cry, shout, hit something but he knew he’d draw attention to himself and couldn’t bear the thought of people seeing him so weak and vulnerable. Wiping his eyes and taking deep breaths he managed to stop himself from breaking for now. He headed over to the Minute Mart and straight to the alcohol section, reaching for the first bottle of whiskey he could lay his hands on. Suddenly and arm grabbed onto his and spun him round.

“No Ben. You’re not doing this again!” Lola stared at him intently, snatching the bottle from out of his hands.

“You’re not my keeper Lo. I’m a big boy. I can make my own decisions,” Ben snapped back.

“And how’s that working out for you recently,” her eyes widened as she stared at him determined not to back down. “Look Ben, I heard about what happened yesterday and I just saw you leaving Callum’s so I’m guessing this has got to to with him. But whatever the problem is you ain’t gonna find the answer at the bottom of this bottle,” she paused and reached her hand out lightly clutching his arm. “Come on Ben, you’re trying so hard to be free of your Dad. Don’t turn into him!” Her words rang in Ben’s ears like a siren piercing his mind. She was right, this is exactly what his Dad had done throughout his life, whenever things got too tough. Dropping his shoulders and sinking his his head into his chest, he sighed deeply at the thought of his father’s demons transferring to him. “Let’s go home. Please,” she pleaded. Ben surrendered and followed her out of the shop.

When the arrived home, she led him into the lounge and sat him at the dining table. She slipped into the kitchen to make them a drink, leaving Ben alone in his thoughts. The hurricane that blew in his mind was making him feel dizzy, too many questions and no possible answers. How could he let Callum go? How could he face seeing him everyday and not being with him? How would he cope if he did see him with someone else if Callum did meet anyone? Who was he without him? Was he just going to turn into his dad? Was he already half way there? Not being able to cope with the melee of thoughts and desperate to drown out the voice that swirled in his mind, he let out a almighty groan and slammed his head against the table. Finally allowing his emotions to poor out, he sobbed in uncontrollably.

“Hey hey,” Lola called as she rushed to comfort him. “It’ll be okay. I’m here,” she whispered and just held him while he weeped. After several minutes, he calmed down and pulled out of her embrace. He wiped his eyes on his sleeves and sniffed loudly. Lola just looked at him sympathetically, laying her hand on his for comfort. “Do you wanna try talking about it? Know it’s not your usual way of dealing with things but it might help,” she said softly.

“Not much to say. He say’s it’s over. Said he can’t trust me no more. Said he was finally starting to feel good about himself. Worried that gettin back with me, he’d lose himself again. Said he’d always love me but asked me to let him go,” he could barely get the words out without his voice cracking.

“Right,” Lola was unsure what to say. She loved Ben dearly, but she loved Callum too and knew how hard it must have been for him to break away from Ben. “And what are you gonna do now?”

“Johnny told me I need to listen to what Callum wants and show him what he feels matters to me. And I know he’s right. I have to let him go, but I don’t think I can cope Lo. How can I see him all the time without wanting to touch him, hold him? And the thought of him eventually bein with someone else makes me feel sick. I’m not strong enough, I’m barely hanging on by a thread now. It’ll break me,” he sighed.

Lola took hold of his hand to comfort him. “Look, I know it ain’t easy. But you can get through this I promise,” she squeezed his hand tightly. “I get it Watching Jay with Ruby, nearly killed me when I first came back here. Then when he found out about me and Pete. I thought I’d lost him for good. I kept trying so hard to cling on and it just pushed him away more. He needed time and space. I hurt him. I just needed to be patient and wait for him to heal. But I didn’t give up hope, because what we have well it’s it for me.”

“Yeh but he’s always loved the bones of ya. He can’t live without ya can he? Callum can probably quite easily live without me,” a frustration rose in Ben. “I’m so stupid. I thought if I could turn things around, sort myself out, get my Dad out my life, maybe we’d have a chance. Now I’ve got nout.”

“That’s not right. You’ve got people who love you. Ya Mum, Jay, Pam, Les me and Lexi … well she adores you. And I know it might not seem like it now but Callum does too. We all see the good in you. See the real Ben in there. You just need to find him too and not for anyone else, for you,” Lola asserted calmly. “Why don’t you get yourself away from here for a bit. Break’d do ya good. Sort ya head out. Concentrate on getting yourself back on track. Ya never know maybe it’ll give you the strength to get through all this and help ya move on or…” she paused and raised her leaned her head forward and raised her shoulder in encouragement “you might decide you’re gonna hang in there til Callum’s ready.”

“Not exactly the patient type am I?” Ben huffed.

“No…but you ain’t the type to just give up either. There’s more than one way to fight for someone ya know. Doesn’t always have to be playing dirty and going low. Let him go, wait and see if he comes back.”

“And if he doesn’t?” Ben could barely face the thought.

“Then maybe it weren’t meant to be. But ya know what I know how much he loves ya. With love like that there’s always hope.” Lola smiled reassuringly. “Think about it?” Lola got up to walk away knowing Ben needed time to take it all in.

Ben went up to his room, he looked at the photos he had there of the people who he loved, who had believed in him. Taking his wallet out of his pocket, he looked at the photo of him and Lexi in it. He smiled fondly as he rubbed his finger gently over it, he had to try and be better. For her, for Callum, for himself. He then took out a box from under his bed and looked through the photos in it, of another family he’d almost been part of. Smiling fondly he suddenly thought of a place he could go. Somewhere he could feel safe and loved. Maybe Lola was right, getting out of here and going there might be the sanctuary he needed. Pulling out his phone, he typed a message out, knowing the recipient would be there for him.

***************************

Several days had past and Callum hadn’t heard anything from Ben. In a way he was relieved, maybe it meant Ben finally had taken things on board and was giving him the space he needed. Of course he was worried about Ben and the thought of hurting him was killing him, but he knew what he’d done was right for him and he had to focus on that. The last few days also gave him time to settle back into his own life on the square. Stuart was not pleased to hear about Ben confronting Callum in the flat, but was relieved that Callum told him that it was over and they were both going to try and move on. Stuart was relieved, he just wanted Callum to be happy and all he felt Ben had caused him was anguish. Callum had to beg him not to say anything to Ben if he saw him and he reluctantly agreed. During the week he’d also managed to spend time with Lee and Johnny before they left. Luckily things weren’t too awkward with Johnny, they’d agreed to not discuss the events in the Vic or Ben. Callum still felt a little unsettled by the thought of Ben and Johnny hooking up but he pushed it aside as he didn’t want to lose another friendship. Lee had filled him in on his chat with Whitney, apparently they’d had a nice catch up and it felt good to be on friendly terms. When he caught up with Whit for a drink she’d also told him about catching up with Lee and how well it had gone. He was pleased both his friends seemed to have closure on their relationship. It gave him hope that maybe one day him and could Ben could do the same. Of course both were interested in what had happened with Ben, he’d explained it all to them and said he’d hoped they could draw a line under it and move on. Both were proud of him for sticking to his guns, even though they could see it had taken its toll on him. His sadness was visible in his eyes and voice as he spoke. They were both comforting towards him reassuring him he’d get through it and they’d be there if he needed them. Hopefully with time and support he’d get back on track.

The final hurdle he has to tackle was facing Ben’s family. He’d always had such a good relationship with all of them and wanted that to continue. However he realised this may not be possible right now as Ben would need them and he wanted them to be there for him. Finally he plucked up the courage to pop in the Café. He was hoping to maybe just see Kathy, offer up some pleasantries and hope it wouldn’t be awkward. So that’s where he found himself heading on Saturday morning. It was usually a busy time, so he knew there wouldn’t be much time to talk. It would be perfect chance to get it over with.

“Morning Kathy,” he mumbled as he entered.

“Oh Callum love its good to see you!” She greeted him fondly with a kind smile. “How you doin?”

“I’m okay thanks, ya know getting there. Can I get a bacon sarnie to go please?” he deliberately avoided asking questions in return. He didn’t want to get drawn in to a difficult conversation.

Kathy sensed he felt a little tense so didn’t push it either, “Sure love. Just be a few minutes.” Callum stepped to the side as she spoke, letting the next customer place their order. A few minutes later the door opened and he was taken aback by an almighty roar.

“Callum!” Lexi cried excitedly, running over to him and throwing her arms around his waist. His heart sank a little when he saw Ben and Lola stood behind her.

“Hey Lex,” he said putting his arms around her. He felt relieved she still seemed to love him like he loved her, but also a sadness that their relationship might not be what it once promised to. “I’ve missed you. How you doin?”

“I’ve missed you n’all. I’m great. Me and a Daddy are goin on holiday later to the seaside. I’m well exited,” she replied with glee.

Callum smiled and tried to hide his confusion. “That’s sounds like fun. Bet you’ll have a lovely time.” He looked up and could see Ben had his head down, Lola was nudging him and pointing her head towards Callum as if to encourage Ben to talk to him.

Just then Kathy held up his bacon sandwich. “Here you go love.”

Callum took it and then turned towards Lexi. “Well I’d better go, have a great time on your holiday,” he said blowing her a small kiss and waving. He made his way out of the door, as he passed Lola she placed a hand on his shoulder and smiled. Catching Ben’s eye as he left he gave him a small smile and nodded. When he got outside, he took a deep breath, composing himself for a few seconds. He was just about to walk away when he heard the door open behind him.

“Callum?” Ben called out gently. “Got a minute?” Ben’s voice sounded shaky and nervous. Callum turned to him he could see than Ben was calm, in fact he could sense he was fragile so he didn’t think he could deny him. He nodded gently and they moved to one side so they weren’t blocking the door. Ben kept his head low, he was afraid to look Callum in the eye. He didn’t want to break down again, he wanted to keep his composure and thought this might be the best way. Eventually he began to speak. “I was gonna text ya later. Explain about goin away. Wasn’t sure you’d want to see me.”

“Don’t matter. You don’t have to explain stuff to me anymore. It’s fine.” Callum spoke as softly as he could not meaning to sound harsh, but his words did cut through Ben.

“I know that,” Ben sighed. “But I just wanted you to know I’m gonna do what you wanted. Let you go. Truth is I’d do anythin to make things better for you. I’m not gonna stand in ya way anymore. I want you to be happy,” he paused again taking a breath. “Thing is though, I’m just not in a place where I’m strong enough to watch you move on right now. The thought of being near you but not close to you or watching you with someone else it’s a bit too painful. So I’m getting away. Gonna sort my head out, get myself back on track.”

Callum nodded unsure of what to say. Also not wanting to Ben to see the ache he felt in his own heart. Ben cleared his throat then continued. “Anyway, I’m goin to stay with Pam and Les for the summer. Takin Lex with me. Thought it would do me good to focus in being a proper Dad for a while. Plus think Lo and Jay could do with a bit of space to focus on them. There gonna come down and spend weekends with us when they can, think they wanna keep an eye on me,” Ben finally looked at Callum. “So I won’t be around for a while.”

“Probably a really good idea. It did me good gettin away. Hope it can do the same for you.” Callum finally replied.

“Yeh me too.” Ben reached into his pocket and pulled out some keys. “Was gonna get Lo to give you these, but as we’re here.” Ben placed the keys in Callum’s hand briefly grazing his skin as he did. Both of them felt that jolt of electricity they always did when their skin met. It was like an uncontrollable force that solidified their connection, one that had been there since the first time they shook hands in the Vic.

“Thanks,” Callum smiled softly. “I really hope we can be mates again. One day. I hope we can both move on.”

Ben nodded, then shrugged. “I’m not sure I ever will, but I’ll take bein ya mate if that’s all I can get. I’m gonna put your needs first for once. Like I said, I just want you to be happy.”

Callum could see how hard it was for Ben and his heart softened a little at the thought that Ben loved him enough to let him go. “Thank you,” he whispered.

“Well you know what they say if you love someone you’ll set em free. And if it’s meant to be they’ll find a way back to you.” Ben uttered gently. “I ain’t givin up hope just yet. I think there’s always a chance we’ll find a way back to each other,” he smiled weakly and shrugged his shoulders. “Ever the optimist eh.”

Callum lips turned up into a small smile as he shook his head. His heart raced at the thought Ben wasn’t giving up, a cocktail of anxiety and excitement at the thought. They both held each other’s gaze for a few seconds before Callum knew he had to break it and start to move away, move on. “Bye Ben.”

“Bye Callum,” Ben answered. Putting his arms out he gestured for Callum to give him a hug. Callum responded and wrapped his arms around Ben’s waist as Ben’s arm cradled his neck. As Callum pulled away Ben couldn’t help himself. Standing on his tiptoes, he leaned up to place his lips on Callum’s. It was a soft, chaste but lingering kiss. If this was goodbye then he wanted to feel his lips one last time and commit it to memory. Callum was taken by surprise but didn’t pull away, his heart pounded as their lips met. He too felt the need for one last kiss, one final goodbye, so he reacted by pressing his lips softly into Ben’s. It was a perfect way to say goodbye. Ben pulled away and smiled and Callum returned the gesture before he turned and walked away. Ben watched him go and his heart was filled with longing, a little bit of sadness, but also a small drop of hope. A kiss can convey a million feelings. Their first in the park told him Callum wanted him and lit a the spark in Ben for a love he thought he’d never feel again. Their last kiss told him that he definitely shouldn’t give up hope, that spark hadn’t been completely extinguished just yet.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Callum both try and find a way to move on. After getting advice from those close to them they both make important decisions on how to move forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you so much for reading and especially to those who have taken time to leave Kudos and comment on the story so far. It really means a lot to me that people have enjoyed it so far and has really encouraged me to keep going with it.
> 
> Just a reminder it’s set about a year in the future. Ben has had his operation and it was successful in restoring most of his hearing. Jay knows about Peter and Lola and they are working on fixing their relationship. I have very limited understanding of hearing loss and cochlear implants so I apologise in advance if there are inaccuracies with this. Also I have no real knowledge of legal processes and am basing this on what I have read or seen on TV. 
> 
> Any mistakes are mine. Hope you enjoy 😊

Sitting watching Lexi and Les build what could only be described as one of the most elaborate sandcastles he had ever seen, Ben couldn’t help smile. It was heart warming watching the fondness they had developed for each other. If things had worked out differently of course, he would have been watching a great-grandfather playing with his great-granddaughter. And although this thought was sobering, he had realised over the last six weeks that you can’t dwell on the past, you can’t change it, no matter how much you wished you could. The only thing you can do is look back and remember the good things happily and learn from the bad things or things that hadn’t gone the way you wanted them to. The what ifs will only drive you crazy, it’s best to focus on the what nows and that’s what Ben intended to do.

Looking back at the first week they’d arrived Ben couldn’t believe how his outlook had changed. That first week had been hard, it was every year for Ben and he knew it always would be. He’d always blame himself for what happened to Paul, the guilt weighed on him daily but at this time of year it was crushing. The weight of his break up with Callum added to it this year, making it almost unbearable. However being with Pam, Les and Lexi helped him cope better. Being able to share his grief with The Cokers, two people who understood and felt Paul’s loss as wholeheartedly as he did, made him feel less alone. On the actual morning of the anniversary, they’d all had a moment together before Lexi woke, where they shed a few tears and comforting hugs, without even needing to say anything. It was evident how much they all missed him. As soon as Lexi came hurtling down the stairs the sadness lifted a little, her energy and brightness provided a welcome distraction to them all. They decided to have a day out together at the beach and a walk along the pier. It was a great day, Lexi had very much been spoiled and her and Ben had enjoyed swimming in the sea. However even Lexi picked up on the odd glances, sad looks and comforting touches the three adults had shared throughout the day. She wondered why they felt sad when she was having the best time.

“Did you have fun today Daddy?” she asked at dinner that evening.

“Course I did baby? It was great.” Ben replied warmly not realising that Lexi had picked up anything.

“What about you two?” She then addressed Les and Pam.

“We did Lexi. We enjoyed spending our day with you,” Les replied with a big grin and a wink.

“It’s just you all seemed a little bit sad sometimes. Thought you might not be enjoyin ya selfs as much as me. You don’t have to pretend you’re having fun if ya not ya know.” Lexi asserted quite firmly.

All three were a little taken aback, unsure of what to say. Ben knew his daughter was smart and there would be no point lying to her. He also didn’t want to upset the Cokers. Pam could tell he was ill at ease so gently reached for his hand. “It’s okay Ben we can talk about it,” she whispered reassuringly.

Ben nodded and took a breath composing himself before he spoke. “Well…you remember I told you about Paul, Daddy’s special friend, Pam and Les’s grandson.” She nodded with a slight frown her face, remembering the story she’d heard about Paul before. “Well it’s been 5 years today since he died and we’ve all just been thinkin about him and missin him,” Ben tried hard not cry, the last thing he wanted was for Lexi to think she’d upset him. “So that’s made us all a bit sad today, but you did a great job of cheerin us up,” he smiled to reassure her.

“Oh I’m sorry if you were sad…but I’m glad I helped cheer you up,” she paused and her face looked pensive before she asked innocently, “What was he like?” .

Again Ben felt tense he didn’t want to break down in front of Lexi, but it was always difficult to talk about Paul without doing so. Luckily Pam intervened, “Well, he was cheeky, liked to cause a bit of mischief,” she laughed fondly, “but he was a good person, kind, funny and loved to dance.” Lexi was excited by this so Pam leapt into a story about Paul singing and dancing around their lounge when he was younger. They all laughed when she told them how he’d swung into one of Pam’s favourite ornament, breaking it and blaming the cat. After that the three adults took it in turn to share happy or funny memories of Paul. Although they had to hold back tears at some point, they all enjoyed talking about him and reliving happy times.

“He sounds like lots of fun. I think I’da liked him,” Lexi smiled widely.

Ben choked back the emotion. “I think you wouldda.”

Les turned and pulled open a drawer in the sideboard behind him. He pulled out a photo album and showed it to Lexi. They flicked through lots of photos of Paul when he was younger then the most recent ones of him. Ben smiled fondly when he saw the photos. There was one of him, Paul, Pam and Les. “That’s Paul when I knew him,” he pointed to him out to Lexi. Then they flicked through some others of him and Ben in various poses and places.

“Aww he looked at you like Callum does and he made you smile like Callum does. You musta loved each other a lot,” her innocent words stabbed Ben right in the heart. He just nodded afraid if he spoke he wouldn’t be able to contain his emotion.

Pam could see Ben was struggling. “Hey why don’t you and Les go and choose a film to watch while me and your Dad wash up. We can join you when you’ve finished.” Lexi jumped up excitedly as she took Les into the lounge to show him all the DVDs she’d brought with her. Pam immediately took a Ben’s hand and squeezed it tightly. Ben allowed a small tear to flow. “Will only take me a second to load the dishwasher, you go and stick the kettle on and maybe we can have a cuppa in the garden.” Ben nodded, glad of being given the time to compose himself. His emotions were threatening to take over and he wasn’t sure he could hold it together. He also felt uncomfortable at the thought of having to talk about Callum with Paul’s family, especially on this day of all days. He hoped Pam would let it slide, as he took the tea and stepped into the garden. She joined him a few minutes later with a plate of chocolate biscuits placing them on the table as she sat down.

“Thanks,” he said not looking up at her in the hope she’d get the hint he didn’t want to talk. “Is Les alright in there with Madam?”

“He’s loving it. I bet he’s hoping she’ll want to dress up as Princesses, you know him any excuse,” she rolled her eyes up, but with a smile. Ben let out a small laugh. “She’s definitely your daughter, charming everyone she meets… doesn’t miss a trick either.”

“Yeh, sorry about that. She’s very inquisitive likes to know what’s going on,” he paused and took a sip of his tea. “Hope it wasn’t to difficult for you and Les.”

“Course not love. We love to talk about him and as difficult as today is it’s always good to remember the happy times too. I think it actually did us all good,” she smiled again and Ben let out a hum of agreement as he returned it. “What she said about Callum…”

“I’m sorry bout that,” Ben interrupted quickly hoping to put a stop to the conversation.” She wouldn’t realise it was inappropriate to talk about him today.”

“Don’t be so silly. I don’t mind. And what’s wrong with talking about him? He’s an important part of your life and just because you have him doesn’t mean you’re going to forget Paul. Like I told you before, Paul would want you to be happy and we both do too,” she rested a hand on his knee and shook it lightly in a gesture of reassurance it was okay.

Ben looked up at her briefly, before putting his head down again, resting his chin in his chest and sighing. “Well that’s another way I’d disappoint you all then. We’re not together anymore.” Ben hadn’t explicitly told Pam why he needed to get away, just that he wanted to get out of Walford and clear his head for a while. She hadn’t asked too many questions either, knowing he’d talk when he was ready. “Seems the only thing I’m good at is letting people down and messing things up,” he paused again and shook his head, determined to hold in his emotions. “We really shouldn’t talk about this today. I don’t feel right about it,” he asserted.

“Well I think today is the perfect day to talk about it,” she stated forcefully. “Today is a reminder about how precious life is and how you shouldn’t waste a second of it. Especially when it comes to people you love. Maybe if you talk about it we can see how we can put it right.” Ben looked at glanced upwards at her. He could see she wasn’t going to back down on this, just like when she got him to admit that he cared about Callum in the first place. Then how she pushed him to fix things and wouldn’t leave Walford until he had. It worked that time. Ben was less optimistic anything she said could help this time though.

“Okay,” he said softly and he gave her a brief description of the what had happened. Obviously leaving out the parts that incriminated him or his Dad, not wanting to disappoint her any further. He told her how desperately he wanted change and had started to cut his Dad of his life. But how Callum told him it was too late and he didn’t trust him anymore. Finally he told her about deciding to let him go but not giving up hope that maybe one day they’d find a way back to each other. But that he didn’t feel strong enough to deal with him moving on so he had to get away. As hard as it was, he managed to hold in his emotions, part of him still feeling guilty for even talking about this to her. “And that’s how we left it, I’m hoping we can at least salvage a friendship.

I can’t bear the thought of losing him completely,” he began to finish. “Hopefully if I can sort myself out a bit, we’ll stand a chance one day.”

Pam nodded her head and smiled. She could see how hard it had been on him. “Well for what it’s worth I think it’s the best decision you ever made, breaking away from that so called father or yours. I’ll never forgive him for the way he treated Paul and you at the start. He really doesn’t deserve to have a son like you.” Ben could sense her anger and frustration towards Phil, not that he blamed her. “But you want to know what I think the main problem is, it’s your low opinion of yourself.” Ben was slightly taken aback by what she said. She shook her head and continued. “You’ve been through so much in your life Ben and you always seem to blame yourself for all the bad things and you never think you deserve any good because of that,” her face fell into a frown as she looked at the floor before continuing. “I know you still blame yourself for what happened to Paul…and I know part of that is my fault for the way I reacted to you…” Ben tried to interrupt and tell her that was in the past but she was determined to continue. “But you know that I was just lashing out and I didn’t mean it, what happened was never your fault. That’s not the only thing you carry I know, but all this makes you think you’re not worth of being happy or being loved and you are Ben. You don’t see the wonderful young man you are, the big heart you have, the good you have in you,” her voice started to fill with emotion and Ben could no longer stop the tears from falling. “You need to learn to love yourself like others do. When you do that you can let yourself be happy.”

“You’re not the first person who said that to me recently. Lola said something similar. It’s just hard when you’ve spent most of your life feeling worthless. Then with having this,” he pointed to his implant “having it so visible, makes me feel so weak. I find it hard to even like myself most days,” he sniffed loudly.

“Well…” she replied softly. “I think all things you’ve survived including this show how strong you are. And as for being worthless I think there is a little girl in there who thinks her Dad is a superhero. She worships you.” Ben smiled at that, “And from what I can see she is an amazing judge of character. Remember how many people believe in you. We can’t all be wrong. When you can truly let go of the past and find peace with yourself, you’ll be able to take on the world., be able to get anything you want, including happiness and love.” With that she took pulled him into her arms and held him tightly for what felt like hours. Eventually they went back and joined Lexi and Les to watch Frozen, Lexi leading them in a sing-a-long, which they all shared enjoyment in. Ben decided Pam was right and seeing how much love there was in the room, he knew he had to focus on that.

Ben spent the next five weeks focusing on being a good father. Him and Lexi explored all the sights and sounds of Worthing and the neighbouring towns. Ben absolutely loved it, he didn’t think he’d ever laughed and smiled so much. Lexi truly had switched the light back on in his life. He also enjoyed spending time with The Cokers and Jay and Lola when they visited at the weekends. Of course not a day went by when he didn’t miss Callum. It was particularly hard at night when he was alone with his thoughts, imagining Callum next to him, holding him while he rested his head on his chest, remembering every detail of his face from his captivating smile, to his ocean blue eyes. The love he felt for him still burned brightly every time he thought of him. It took a while but he was able to eventually follow Pam’s advice and stop dwelling on the past. He decided he was only going to focus on the future and being happy from now on. Having this outlook had significantly improved his state of mind and for the first time in a long time he felt like he could face what was time come. No matter how hard it was. That’s where he found himself now. Looking at Lexi and Les and their replica Windsor Castle feeling at peace.

Just then Pam approached him from behind. “Look at that!” She exclaimed. “We’d better get home before the tide comes in, they’ll be tears if that gets destroyed.”

“More like a major tantrum! She is my daughter after all,” Ben laughed gently.

“I was talking about Les!” Pam chuckled. Ben returned it with a knowing nod. “So home tomorrow. We aren’t half going to miss you you know.”

“Aww. We’ll miss you too. Will have to make sure we visit more often. Lexi loves it here.” Ben replied with a warm smile.

“I hope you do and I hope maybe next time you’ll have Callum with you,” she suggested raising her eyebrows.

Ben sighed and he sucked in his lips. “Not sure about that. That shipped may have well and truly sailed by now. Who knows what new talent has been on the scene while I’ve been away. Obviously most of them won’t be in the same league as me, but ya never know.” Ben half laughed, half joking, Callum could have easily found someone in the time he’d been gone. The thought still made him feel sick to the stomach but Ben felt like he could deal with it better than before.

“Do you remember when we packed up Paul’s room?” Pam asked. Ben nodded, eyebrows furrowing with confusion. “Well I told you I hoped you found someone who loved you as much as Paul did. And you know what, I think you have. I could tell when I saw you together and from what Lexi said that night we looked at Paul’s album I don’t think I’m the only one who can see it. A love like that doesn’t go away easily.”

Ben swallowed hard, trying hard to suppress his emotion and the thought of the love they had. “Wish I had your optimism,” he uttered.

“Remember Ben, you can only change the future, not the past. Tomorrow is a fresh start. You can do anything you put your mind to, just believe in yourself.” And with that she walked away to join Les and Lexi, who were waving joyfully towards their sandcastle. Ben knew she was right. Tomorrow was a fresh start not just with Callum but for him in general. He believed he was strong enough to face whatever the future brought. For the first time in a while he knew he was backing himself to succeed, he just hoped whatever path Callum was on it would eventually lead back to him.

***************************

Callum slipped into his sleep clothes, it had been a long day, so he was ready for some sleep. Just as he was about to climb into a bed his phone buzzed with a message. He opened it up and felt nervous about its content. A mixture of thoughts filled his head. How did he feel about it? What should he do now? What did he want to do now? He lay back on the bed and thought about the events of the last few weeks and how things had changed.

Walking away from Ben outside the café that day had felt like a little bit of weight had been lifted. Ben was letting go, he’d listened, he’d put him first. He’d given Callum everything he’d wanted and it felt like they’d ended properly and in a way both had closure. That maybe one day they could be friends again. But that kiss, although it was a goodbye, felt like so much more. Almost like it was reminding him of how much love was still there between them. Callum couldn’t shake the intensity of the feelings he felt when he kissed Ben and wondered if he’d ever feel that with anyone else. Wishing things could be different, his heart ached at the thought it was over. He knew he had to let go now and Ben had given him the chance to move on. Hopefully he could. Ben not around had made things easier. Of course he thought about him all the time and hoped he was doing okay, but not having to see him made it easier to try and move forward with his life.

In the first few weeks he’d thrown himself back into work. He loved his job and it felt good to be back. There had been a few odd looks and a few whispers about him being away, but he chose to ignore them and focus I’m doing the best he could to help the community. That’s why he did it after all. Without Ben being around he’d also managed to catch up with Jay and Lola. He was worried about how the break up would affect his relationship with them. Lola and Jay were amazing, they told him they were still there for him and they’d always be friends, despite whatever happened with Ben. Lola also reassured him he would always be a part of Lexi’s life and Callum felt grateful for that. They’d built such a great bond and he loved her like she was his own. It would’ve broken his heart to lose her as well. He knew their loyalty would always lie with Ben, but it was nice to know that they didn’t want to lose his friendship too. They’d hung out quite a bit and Callum was pleased to see that their own relationship seemed to be getting back on track. He still felt guilty for the bad advice he gave Lola about not telling Jay the truth in the first place, but was happy that they were all moving on from it. Although he missed Ben a lot, he was learning how to navigate life without him. He knew he wasn’t over him or everything that happened but felt like he was in a good place.

After about four weeks of the summer he was having breakfast with Stuart and Rainie, when Rainie brought up the subject of him starting to date again. “Come on Callum, you can’t stay single forever. Bloke like you will have em queuing up for a bite,” she declared.

“I’m just not sure I’m ready to do the whole datin thing yet,” Callum argued

“Look the only way to get over someone is to get under someone, you need to put yourself out there. I could always reactivate your profile on that app?” she suggested.

“No way!” He affirmed. “Last time was so awkward, I didn’t know what to say to the bloke. It didn’t help that you’d put a load of stuff on there about me that weren’t true. I’m not doin that again.” Callum hated the whole experience, he was uncomfortable the whole time and couldn’t wait to escape. Although he did feel bad for just running out on the bloke. No dating apps were definitely not for him. “I’d rather just meet someone more organically and get to know em.”

“And how ya gonna do that when you don’t go anywhere but the Vic. Ain’t got any talent for you in there!” She scoffed. “How bout we go on a night out down the Albert this weekend, you’re off int ya. Come on it’ll be a laugh.”

Callum knew she wasn’t gonna give up. He reluctantly agreed on the condition that Stuart came too. If nothing else it would be amusing trying to watch his brother being supportive and faking being comfortable. Stuart of course agreed, he wanted to help Callum move on. Callum asked Whitney to come too, he needed all the support he get with them two on his case. Whitney was happy to tag along, she also wanted Callum to be happy and had never been sure Ben was the right guy for him. And that’s how they ended up in the Albert the following Saturday. Callum had made sure that Kathy wasn’t working. The evening would be uncomfortable as it was without her watching him being forced to try and move on. Rainie and Whitney took it in turns to point out different men to Callum suggesting he should go over. Callum managed to bat them off, shaking his head and telling them to leave him to it. Rainie eventually gave up and dragged Stuart away to the dance floor. Callum and Whitney both chuckled loudly as they watched Stuart trying to dance and looking completely uncomfortable in his surroundings.

“If you ever needed a visual to explain of a fish outta water, then that is perfect,” Whitney giggled pointing at Stuart. Callum laughed back hard. “So no one in here take ya fancy, I mean that’s what tonight’s s’posed to be about innit? You movin on,” she asked.

Callum shrugged his shoulders and frowned. “Not really me is it, goin on the pull in bars. Only agreed to shut Rainie up.” He let out a huge sigh. “It’s not like I’m any good at this am I? You should know,” he raised his eyebrows and tilted his head at her as he spoke. “Even if I saw someone I liked, I wouldn’t know what to say or do. I’d probably just come across as some bumblin idiot and embarrass myself.”

Whitney smiled softly at him, “You’re not as bad as you think,” she said touching his arm reassuringly. “Okay so maybe goin up to blokes in bars might not be the way to go for you. But you do need to move on. Maybe just do it your way.”

“And what’s that then, cos I ain’t gotta clue. I’ve never really done this have I? You know how it went between us and with Ben well….it was just different,” he suddenly felt uneasy realising it would be awkward to go into detail with Whitney about how he and Ben started, considering their history. “Already knew him didn’t I? Just feel like I’m back at square one and not sure I’m ready to try and go forward yet.”

“I dunno,” she shrugged. “Maybe you’re right. It’s never a good idea to rush things. All I’ll say is don’t close yourself off to anythin. Sometimes things come along when you least expect them and you should be open if they do.” Callum nodded and smiled, maybe she was right. “Come on. Let’s just enjoy ourselves tonight and not worry about the rest!” she cried practically dragging him to the dance floor. After few more drinks Callum relaxed a bit and enjoyed himself. A few men had smiled at him and he’d returned their smile briefly before blushing and turning his head away. He knew now wasn’t the right time to put himself out there fully, but maybe one day he would.

A couple of weeks later he was just finishing his shift, it had been a long day. He’d had to arrest a young lad for shop lifting and it had made him feel terrible. He was just a kid and clearly trying to fit in with his mates. You could see he was terrified, but the shop manager had insisted he was charged. Although Callum loved most aspects of his jobs, he always felt a sense of empathy for some of the kids he came across. He wished he could do more to help them get on the straight and narrow rather than throw the book at them and leave them to the courts. It was the law however and he knew that it was his job to enforce it. As he left he spotted Ryan, a duty solicitor at the station. He thought he might know how the lad was after he was charged and wanted to check.

“Hey Ryan,” he called out to him. “You got a sec?”

“For you PC Highway always,” he replied smiling widely. Callum thought it almost sounded like he was flirting, but he knew he was probably just being nice.

“Just wondered how the kid was in the end, the one with the shop lifting charge?”

“Oh he was okay. Will appear in court in a few weeks. It was his first offence so probably get a fine. Poor kid was more afraid of his mum to be honest. Clearly got issues there, but hey what can you do?” Callum frowned. He’d got the impression that it wasn’t an easy living situation for the lad from his chat with him, this just confirmed it . “Hey don’t feel bad you were just doing your job.” Callum nodded and thanked him before turning to walk away. Just as he was about to walk away Ryan spoke again. “Hey bit of an odd question, but we’re you in The Prince Albert a couple of Saturdays ago?”

Callum furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, “Err yeah, why d’you ask?”

“I thought it was you,” he laughed. “I saw you dancing with your girlfriend. Was gonna say hi but didn’t want to interrupt. Looked like you were having a good night.”

“Oh she ain’t my girlfriend, just a mate….but yeh it was a good night. D’ya go there often?” Callum suddenly blushed aware that that possibly sounded like a corney chat up line.

“No that was my first time…I mean in the Albert, not gay bars in general. I’ve been in a few of those in my time,” he raised his eyebrows suggestively.

Callum was taken aback he had known Ryan for a while, but never realised he was gay. “Oh right, I err…never realised…” he stuttered.

“Well I don’t wear my badge when I’m working,” Ryan chuckled warmly. Callum blushed, he still felt completely clueless about reading men. “Not managed to fine tune your gaydar hey?”he continued with a smile.

“Oh I’m new to all this…I mean not being gay, I’ve been gay all my life..I mean I’ve only been out a couple of years and only had one relationship…” he stumbled over his words, his face glowing redder and redder. “Sorry I’m rambling. Call it inexperience.”

Ryan smiled warmly at him, he found Callum’s nerves endearing. He’d always thought Callum was attractive but never acted on it as he wasn’t sure he was gay. Now he had confirmation he thought he’d take a shot. “Don’t worry, it’s fine. We’ve all been new to this at one point. Take it as you said had a relationship, you’re single now?” Callum’s felt anxiety pulse through his body. The question he’d just been asked had implications. Ryan was possibly flirting and if he said yes it may give him the green light to continue. But also saying yes would mean a definite acknowledgement that his relationship with Ben was over. His heart and head were in combat again, heart sad at the thought of letting go, head saying he needed to let go. His head won out and he just nodded not wanting to embarrass himself any further by saying something stupid. “Don’t suppose you’d fancy maybe getting a drink sometime?” Ryan asked hopefully.

Callum’s heart raced, more due to the anxiety than anything else. His mouth went dry and he felt like he was unable to speak. Then he remembered what Whitney said in the Albert, if something comes along he should be open to it. He coughed to clear his throat before replying “Yeh. I think that’d be alright.”

“Great!” Ryan smiled widely and looked up at him through his eyelashes. “I’m actually free now if you’ve got time…Sorry that sounds a bit eager.”

“No it’s fine. I’ve got time for a quick drink now.” Callum answered nervously.

Ryan smiled keenly and suggested they go to a bar just down the road. Callum was happy to go with it and they soon found themselves sat chatting easily at a small table inside. Callum had never really noticed how handsome Ryan was before. Then again he’d only ever really had eyes for Ben. Ryan had short blonde hair and vast blue eyes. His features were strong and defined and he had a bronze complexion. He was slim but clearly toned, his shirt highlighting the muscular frame he held. Added to his physical attractiveness Callum found it easy to talk to him. They had quite a bit in common, both into football, although Ryan was an Arsenal fan. Callum joked he couldn’t be perfect in every way. Both wanting to make a difference in the community, hence why Ryan had opted to work for Legal Aid rather than a big firm in the city. Callum found the more they talked the more comfortable he was and the more he liked him. They ended the evening by exchanging numbers and saying maybe they could do it again sometime. It was all very non-committal, neither wanting to appear too keen. Callum headed home feeling quiet pleased at how the day had ended.

He was a little surprised to receive the text as he was getting ready for bed.

**_Hey Callum,_ **

****

**_Just wanted to say I had a great time earlier. Wondered if maybe if you’d like to go for dinner next week? Try an actual date. No pressure though. Hope to hear from you soon. Ryan x_ **

****

As he lay back on the pillow, a sense of trepidation hit him. If he accepted this it would really mean moving on and letting go. But he had had a great time earlier. Again Whitney’s words rang in his head. He typed a quick reply.

**_Yeh tonight was fun. Dinner sounds great. Let me know when you’re free x_ **

****

His response was brief, but the meaning behind it was much more. He’d finally put himself out there, he was finally trying to move on.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Callum goes on some dates with Ryan. Ben tries to settle back onto the square and realises the only way to move forward is to be honest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again thank you so much for those of you who’ve taken time to leave kudos or comment on the story. It really means a lot to know people have enjoyed it.
> 
> Just a reminder it’s set about a year in the future. Ben has had his operation and it was successful in restoring most of his hearing. Jay knows about Peter and Lola and they are working on fixing their relationship. I have very limited understanding of hearing loss and cochlear implants so I apologise in advance if there are inaccuracies with this.
> 
> All mistakes are mine, even though I have proof read I may have missed the odd one.
> 
> Hope you continue to enjoy:-)

Things in Walford never seemed to change much. The market was still busy with people shopping for bargains. The smell of grease from the chippy was still thick in the street as you passed it. The Vic still had the usual suspects hanging around outside, waiting for it to open. And if you stood in the middle of the square you could definitely hear the familiar sound of some argument kicking off, shouting and screaming coming from one of the many dwellings. Maybe even more than one. Somethings never change Ben thought as he walked across the square to work that morning. For Ben though everything felt different, he felt different. He’d made peace with the past, was looking forward, finally confident that he was going to be able to live life the way he wanted to. For the first time in his life he felt free . Of course there was still one missing piece of the puzzle, one he knew might take a while to slot in place. His relationship with Callum. He was under no illusion that it would be easy to fix and knew it would take time to rebuild, but he was determined he would find a way. Walking towards the Car Lot, shoulders back, head held high, oozing the familiar swagger that had been missing for a while, he was confident things were on the up. 

“Morning!” he boomed as he entered, walking over the Jay and placing a coffee on his desk. As he did a smirk crept on his face, as a memory of that special reunion him and Callum once had on that very desk flashed in his mind. He shook his head quickly trying not to linger on the thought, last thing he needed was to get aroused in front of Jay.

“Wow, someone’s in a good mood. Since when have you been a morning person?” Jay screwed his face up and pulled his head back.

“Tryin a new approach to things ain’t I? Positive attitude and all that,” Ben shrugged. “You should try it sometime.”

Jay raised his eyebrows and smiled. “This new you is gonna take some getting used to. Freakin me out a bit,” he chuckled a bit and then smiled. “Seriously though, it’s good to see you in a good place. Was worried about you.”

“Yeh. Well no point dwelling on things you can’t change. Gotta just move forward ain’t I? Speaking of which, got word of a cracking deal on some motors comin up.” Jay tilted his head and have him a inquisitive look. Ben knew exactly what he was asking. “All legit I swear! I’m completely straight now I promise…well not completely straight obviously,” he winked and smirked. 

Jay just shook his head and smiled. “Speaking of which…have you em seen Callum since you’ve been back?” Immediately the air in the room went a little more tense. Jay putting his head down but looking up at Ben cautiously. 

Ben’s face straightened and he shook his head. “Not yet.” A silence filled the room, Jay was unsure of what to say so he just nodded and lowered his head to some papers on the desk. It had been over a week since Ben had returned home and his and Callum’s paths had yet to cross. Ben was keeping a low profile generally while he settled back, so he hadn’t seen many people on the square. However he had specifically avoided most places he’d run into Callum or his family, he thought it was best for the time being. Ben went over to the couch and sat down, he hadn’t talked about Callum with anyone since he’d been back. Maybe now might be a good time. “It’s not that I don’t want to see him…just I promised to give him space and didn’t think I should just get in touch or roll up at his.”

Jay looked up at him again. “Yeh probably a good move. Squares a small place though your bound to bump I to him at some point. Have you thought about what you’re gonna do then?” Jay asked softly. 

Ben shrugged gently. “Well I’ve had some very vivid thoughts about what I’d like to do with that truncheon of his,” he said raising his eyebrows. Smiling widely when he got the horrified reaction from Jay he wanted.

“Do you have to?” he whined loudly screwing up his face, although he couldn’t help feel a small sense of happiness that some of Ben’s old spark appeared to be back. 

Ben gave him a knowing smile and a small chuckle. After short pause he spoke again in a more serous tone. “What I really want is for us to be together. But I know the chances of that happenin are slim to none.” Ben sighed deeply. “So I guess what I really want is to maybe start again, rebuild our relationship. Even if it means I only get to have him as a mate, I’d rather that than lose him altogether. Problem is he don’t trust me and I need to figure out how to fix that. Just don’t know where to start.” 

Jay nodded supportively. “Look if you want my advice…” Jay paused waiting for Ben to give him the go ahead. When he nodded he continued. “I think you’re right to be patient, not to push…but goin forward you just need to be completely honest. Even if it’s stuff that he won’t like to hear. That’s what me and Lo do now, just tell each other the truth. Believe me it’s caused some almighty rows but after what happened it’s the only way we’ve been able to fix things.” Ben took a deep breath and stared out of the window. Honesty wasn’t something he found easy, he been so just to hiding things his whole life. But if that’s what it took, then he’d work in it. He was prepared to try anything to be part of Callum’s life again. He was snapped out of his thoughts by Jays voice calling to him. “Right tell me about these motors!”

********************************

Callum was feeling nervous. He’d changed his shirt about 4 times already and he was already sweating again. Butterflies were flapping wildly in his stomach and he wondered how he was even going to be able to eat anything at this rate. He’d considered cancelling several times throughout the day, but each time he’d talked himself out of it. The last time he had a drink with Ryan it was great, he’d enjoyed it. Although he tried to focus on this, his mind was filled with the notion that this was an official date and this created a wave of tension throughout him. Taking several deep breaths and telling himself to get it together, he finally finished styling his hair and settled on an outfit. Standing in front of the mirror, he felt confident he looked okay, fairly casual but wearing a smart green shirt and jeans that showed off his physique. As he left the flat he casually told Stuart and Rainie that he was meeting some mates from work for a drink. Luckily they didn’t bat an eyelid at it, the last thing he needed was them adding to his nerves by asking a thousand questions. He hadn’t told anyone about the date. That way he could either enjoy it without expectations of others or save himself the embarrassment of explaining what happened if it turned out to be a disaster. Finally he reached the tube station and got in his train. There was no turning back now.

When he arrived at the restaurant, he could see Ryan was waiting outside for him. They’d arranged to go to a small bistro in town, somewhere on neutral territory where Callum was confident they could be safe from prying eyes. As he approached, he was taken aback a little by how good Ryan looked. He wore skinny jeans which accentuated this muscular legs and a blue shirt which highlighted the colour of his eyes. Spotting Callum walking towards him he waved and smiled widely. Callum’s butterflies fluttered again in his stomach. 

“Hi!” Ryan greeted as he got closer. 

“Hey! How you doin?” Callum replied warmly.

“Better now I’ve seen you. You scrub up well.” Ryan looked him up and down as he spoke. He was clearly impressed with how Callum looked. This sent a tingle up Callum’s spine. He wasn’t used to people looking at him like that, if they had he certainly hadn’t noticed.

He cleared his throat and smiled before replying. “Thanks. You look good too.” He said nervously. 

“Shall we?” Ryan asked while holding the door the restaurant for him. Callum nodded and followed him in. Once inside they were seated and ordered drinks. Callum saw the restaurants as fairly busy but their table was in a corner which was quite private. The lighting was low and romantic music played in the background. His nerves threatened to take over again and he felt his legs trembling below the table. As he wrung his hands he felt Ryan reach over and rest a hand on top of his. “If it helps I’m nervous too,” he said softly, “been a while since I’ve done this.”

“Is it that obvious?” Callum enquires, worried that he was showing too much of himself already.

Ryan smiled at him, “Well I’d quite fancy taking you on at a game of poker…but it’s fine. Don’t worry.  
Like I said I’m nervous too.”

“You’re poker face is clearly better than mine then.” Callum retorted.

“How bout we just see how it goes tonight? Try and enjoy it and if worst comes to worst, the toilets near the door you could always leg it.” Callum chuckled at that and nodded. Ryan’s attempt at humour put him at ease and he soon began to relax. 

As the night went on things became easier. Callum found Ryan easy to talk to. He was funny and sweet and he made feel at ease. There hadn’t been any awkward silences, conversation had flowed well from their hobbies, favourite foods, childhood and families. Callum didn’t want to go into too much detail about his, just that his Dad didn’t accept the fact he was gay and that his mum left when he was young. He told him about Stuart and Rainie and how he lived with them. He also talked about The Carters and how they looked out for him. Ryans family was quite different. He was an only child and although his parents initially struggled with him being gay they learned to accept it and they were close now. He also learned Ryan lived on his own, in what he described as an extremely small flat but it suited him as it was close to work. Every so often throughout the evening they’d held each other’s gaze for a few seconds and exchanged intense looks that had made Callum’s heart race a little. That was the only time he’d also been able to sense any nerves from Ryan as he’d felt his legs knock against the table. There was a definite spark between them. Callum reminded him a little bit of when he first met Chris. They had clicked instantly and it was always just easy with him. Eventually that had developed into more deep feelings, ones he had been too scared to act on. He’d always regret that he hadn’t and wondered how different it would have been if he’d just had the courage to be honest. With Ben it was different, from the second their eyes met and the shook hands in the Vic, it was like he’d been hit with a bolt of lightning. The intensity of his attraction and feelings had always been there, that’s why he’d been unable to hide himself from Ben that day when he had him pushed up against the wall in the Beale house. Why he’d had to act on his feelings the first chance he got that night in the park. Obviously the intensity of the spark he felt with Ryan wasn’t like that, he’d known him a while and hadn’t felt any interest in him before. But tonight there was definitely something and he hoped it could develop into more. 

Before he knew it, they were finishing up the meals and drinking the last of their drinks. Callum couldn’t believe how quickly the evening had gone, he almost was a little sad it was over. The waiter brought over the bill and both of them reached to take it, their hands brushed gently and Callum felt those butterflies again, not electricity, but a definite reaction to being touched by Ryan. 

“Hey I asked you out, I should pay!” Ryan insisted and gently pushed Callum’s hand to the side.

“Are those the rules are they? Will have to get to grips with modern dating etiquette,” Callum asked with a slight sarcastic, but jovial tone. 

Ryan smiled widely at him and Callum once again noticed how dazzling his smile was. “Well maybe you can pay next time,” he then blushed realising the implications of what he said.

“Next time?” Callum questioned raising his eyebrows. “Bit presumptuous don’t you think.”

Ryan’s cheeks flushed as he began to stumble over his words. “Sorry…just I thought we’d had a good time…and well I’d like to maybe do this again.” For the first time all evening he seemed shy.

Callum found this quite sweet and decided to put him out of his misery. “I’d like to too. Are you free this weekend? It’s my only weekend off for a bit.” A warm smile creeping on his face as he spoke. Ryan returned his smile and they agreed to meet up and spend the day together, doing dinner and a movie. After that they left the restaurant together and walked back to the tube together. Turns out Ryan’s stop was only two stops up from Callum’s so they could ride together. They stood near one of the doors and continued chatting.

As they neared Walford East Callum gestured up to the sign, “Mines the next stop,” he said quietly. “Thanks again for tonight. I had a really great time.” 

“Yeh me too.” Ryan replied with a grin. “I’ll say goodbye now then.” He leant up and placed a soft kiss on Callum’s cheek. He wasn’t quite as tall as Callum but it only took a small stretch to reach him. Callum again felt the butterflies, this time though it was mixed with relief that he hadn’t attempt to kiss his lips, unsure of how he’d react to it just yet. “I’ll see you Saturday,” Ryan uttered as he pulled away.

“Yeh. Looking forward to it. Night Ryan,” Callum replied as he turned and walked away. As he left the train, he turned and gave a small wave and smile as the train pulled away again. Once it had disappeared from view he let a a deep breath. Letting out all the tension he had felt. Feeling relief that he’d made it through the night and not come across like an idiot, relief that it had gone well and that he met someone he liked. Walking back the flat he felt waves of different emotions, excitement, happiness, nerves for what was to come next. However he still had a thought of Ben and couldn’t help feeling like he was betraying him a little. He hoped eventually this feeling would fade and told himself he had to put himself first and not to let Ben’s feelings stop him. As hard as that notion was, it was time to move on.

Saturday rolled around really quickly and Callum once again found himself stood in front of the mirror checking he was looking okay. He still felt the odd flutter of nerves, but this time they were mixed with excitement. He was looking forward to seeing Ryan again. Again they’d agreed to meet again away from Walford so Callum caught the tube and met Ryan at a local bar. Callum arrived first and got a round in before he found them a table outside. When Ryan arrived he beamed at Callum and walked over to him. Callum responded with a grin and stood to greet him. His nerves were less prominent this time and when Ryan leaned over, Callum felt comfortable enough to lean over and kiss him on the cheek. It still felt a little strange doing this with someone new, but Callum felt more at ease with it this time. Once again the conversation flowed easily, talk of how the rest of the week had gone, the football and predictions of who would win and tastes in film and music. Callum enjoyed being in Ryan’s company and felt relaxed. Things were going really well until the subject turned to relationships. Callum knew it was bound to come up at some point but he’d hoped to avoid it for a little while longer. Ryan has asked how long he’d been single. He looked down and rubbed his thighs trying to compose himself.

Ryan picked up on Callum’s tension and tried to reassure him. “It’s okay we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want.”

Callum was worried Ryan would think he was trying to hide something, so he thought it was best to just answer. “No…it’s alright,” he mumbled. “Em it’s been nearly 3 months now I guess.”

Ryan nodded and gave him a sympathetic look. “Fairly recent then. Was it serious?” he asked.

Callum sighed and took a breath. “Yeh it was,” he answered. “We’d been together for almost 2 years on and off. It was my first relationship with a bloke. He supported me in coming out and was the first person I could be my real self with.” He paused looking at Ryan, who looked like he had more questions so Callum just thought he should be honest. “But we were just too different and he had other priorities which we always came first. He ended up letting me down and I lost some of the trust I had in him….not cause he cheated or anything like that… It’s complicated.” Callum picked up his drink and took a swig, hoping his answer would be alright with Ryan.

“And it’s definitely over?” Ryan asked looking a little unnerved.

Callum nodded firmly hoping he would appear convincing, even if he was mostly trying to convince himself. “Yeh. It was hard but I know it’s the right thing for both of us. I feel better since I made the choice to end it.” It was partially true he had, he felt more comfortable in his own skin and settled than he had in a while. “I mean we don’t hate each other or anything. Kind of hope one day we could be mates.” Callum suddenly felt stupid, he was here telling his date how he wanted to be friends with his ex. “I mean.. it’s just we have mutual friends and I’m close to his daughter… and I just want us to be civil you know so it’s not awkward.”

Ryan reached out and grabbed his hand again, smiling reassuringly. “Don’t worry I get it,” he said softly. “I’m actually really good mates with my first boyfriend. We shared a big experience in coming out together and we were friends from school, so we have a l of mutual friends. It would be a shame if we ended up hating each other after that. I mean me and his husband actually get on better than I do with him sometimes.” Ryan let out a small chuckle. “So maybe there’s hope you can be friends one day.”

Callum looked a little shocked. He was not expecting that reaction to what he’d said. “Are you like the most understanding bloke on the planet or somethin?” he asked curiously.

“Well do think Saint Ryan has a nice ring to it,” Ryan replied with a grin, “Seriously though I quite like the honesty. A lot of people wouldn’t be so upfront. Makes me feel like I can trust you….Right we better make a move if we’re gonna make that film” he nodded towards the exit and both men stood up to leave. As they walked to the cinema they resumed their idle chatter about the film the planned to see and Callum was relieved that the conversation had returned to its easy, relaxed flow. 

During the film Callum found it hard to concentrate on the film. He thought about the earlier conversation and how Ryan’s experience had given him hope one day him and Ben could really be friends. Ryan being so laid back about everything, it made him like him even more. It had been a while since he felt this good being around someone. That’s why half way through the film he was brave and rested his hand on his leg. Ryan responded by interlocking his fingers with Callum’s. They both gave each other a brief smile and Callum felt the spark again. When the film ended they got on the tube together. They once again said goodbye with a kiss on the cheek and Callum got off the train. He was surprised as he walked along the platform to hear Ryan call his name as the train pulled away. Callum turned around checking his pockets to see if he’d dropped anything. Ryan approached slowly. “Sorry I just really wanted to say a proper goodbye this time.” And with that he reached up to Callum’s head, pulling it towards him. Callum felt his heart race, he wasn’t prepared for this but he responded by leaning in. Their lips softly meeting as they shared a tender kiss. Callum felt the butterflies again. Again not the intensity of feelings he had when he kissed Ben, but still it left a pleasant tingle through his body. “I’ll catch the next tube, be along in minute.” Ryan said breaking the kiss and smiling. “See you soon yeh!” Callum nodded and smiled widely. He walked towards the stairs with a huge grin, so lost in his thoughts he failed to notice Ben stood on opposite platform, watching the whole thing.

********************************  
Ben had just got off the tube. It had been a long day, meeting with new business contacts for The Car Lot. Although it was dull, he’d managed to secure some great deals and was feeling pretty pleased with himself. Then he heard it, someone calling a familiar name on the other side of the platform. Stopping immediately to turn and look across, his view was obscured by the train which was pulling away on other side. When it finally departed, his heart stopped as he saw Callum, nervously checking his pockets as another man walked towards him. He didn’t recognise the man. He was quite tall, blonde and clearly athletic, it was obvious Callum knew him. Then it happened, it was almost like he was watching it in slow motion. Ben’s heart sank when he saw the man pull Callum in. It felt like someone was taking a hammer and smashing his heart into pieces when he responded. A wave of nausea hit him. He wanted to look away but he couldn’t. A range of emotions took over him, jealousy, anger, despair. At first he wanted to jump across the tracks, grab the man and pull him off Callum, warn him to keep away from him. Then he remembered his promise, he had to let him go. Callum was moving on and he promised to let him. All of a sudden his chest felt tight, it was like all of the air had been squeezed from his lungs. Taking a deep breath to try and get some of the air back, he slowly began to gain control of his breathing. As he did, a single tear escaped from his eye and trickled slowly over his cheek. After what felt like an eternity he eventually saw the man pull away and say something to Callum, before Callum walked away, looking happy. Ben stepped out of view not wanting Callum to see him, fearing it may destroy the moment for him. Waiting a few minutes before he headed out of the station, he hoped Callum would be well on his way home now and he could avoid bumping into him. Eventually he began a slow walk home, taking the longest route possible. 

As tempted as he was to go and drown his sorrows at the nearest bar he managed to resist. Remembering how he’d promised his loved ones and more importantly himself that he didn’t want to be that person. The further he walked the heavier his heart felt. The weight of possibly having lost Callum for good almost unbearable. Eventually he reached the middle of the square and sat on Dennis’s bench. A few gentle tears fell as he thought about all the things he’d lost in his life. Then all of a sudden it hit him, Pam’s words echoing in his head. You can’t change the past only the future. He had to think about the what nows. After all he’d come so far in the last few weeks, he couldn’t give up now. What did he want now? What did he need to do to get it? All the answers he knew deep down. He wanted to be better, be a good person, be the man he’d always wanted to truly be, be a good dad, be happy. It dawned on him that he was only one who could make this happen. Taking a deep breath he made a decision, he wasn’t going to slump back into old habits, he was stronger now. Although seeing Callum with someone else had broken him, he was going to fight now. Callum was starting to move on, but Ben still believed in their love. A love that burnt that brightly could never be extinguished easily. He just had to be patient, not push, wait for Callum to find his own way and hope it would eventually lead to him. Maybe once he’d proved he could be better Callum would find his was back to him. It wasn’t the first time he’d had to wait for him and Callum was worth the wait and always would be. He knew the odds were against him, especially now the blonde Adonis was on the scene, but Ben needed to back himself. Standing up from the bench, he whispered “You’ve got this!” an affirmation to himself that no matter what happened he’d get through it. He then headed home and crept into bed, trying desperately trying to push the image of the man he loved with someone else out of his mind.

The next morning Ben got up and decided to go for a run. It was something he’d started to do in Worthing, jogs along the seafront helping to clear his head. Although the sights of Walford weren’t as pretty, he thought it might help shake the the thoughts of last night from his mind. He ran a few laps of the park and begun to feel a little less tense. Just as he was heading home, he spotted a familiar figure running towards him. He’d recognise the grey hoodie and piercing blue eyes a mile off. For a second he thought about turning and heading in a different direction, but then Callum saw him. Their eyes locked briefly before Callum tilted his head down just to escape the intensity of the moment. Callum was completely blindsided by seeing Ben. He’d been feeling good, thinking about his date with Ryan and contemplating whether texting him this morning was too soon. But seeing Ben had thrown him. His heart was now racing and the pulse of electricity flowed through him again. He cursed himself that this was the affect he still had on him. They both slowed their pace meeting each other in the middle of the path. “Hey,” Ben murmured softly. 

“Hi,” Callum managed to breathe out before pausing. “Thought you might be back by now.”

“Yeh..em been back a couple weeks. Would have stayed longer but Lex had school. How are you?” Ben asked again not really looking at Callum. The air between the was tense and he hated this. He wanted nothing more than to grab him and hold him, go back to where they were but he knew this was a long way off.

Callum looked up briefly, “Yeh I’m good thanks. How are you? How was your trip?” he felt the oddest sense of anxiety wash over him. It had never felt this uncomfortable talking with Ben before. It felt wrong having this distance between them. 

Ben nodded and tried to smile to lighten the mood, he also couldn’t bear this crippling tension between them. “Yeh it was good, really good. Lexi loved it, we had loads of fun. Was also great spending time with Pam and Les. Although I bet they’re glad of the rest, it’s pretty full on keeping me entertained.” Callum smiled shyly and nodded, appreciative that Ben was trying to make a joke. Once again there was an uncomfortable silence between them. Both unsure of what to say. Both wanting to say so much but not knowing where to start. 

Eventually after several seconds and glances up catching the others both spoke at the same time. “Look..” they both started and then gave a slight chuckle at the situation. 

“You go,” Ben said raising his hands towards Callum. 

Callum nodded, “I was just gonna say that, I don’t want things to be awkward between us. We’re gonna see each other round all the time. I did mean what I said before. I do hope we can me mates one day.” 

Ben nodded in agreement, “Yeh I want that too. More than anything.” Callum smiled with relief, although it didn’t feel like it now they he hoped they could get passed this eventually. 

“Well I’d better…” Callum tilted his head towards the path suggesting he was going to carry on.

Ben nodded and went to step aside, but then he thought about what Jay had said about being honest, no matter how hard it was and even if he didn’t want to hear it. He decided he should start right away, he stepped in front Callum again stopping him from moving. “Actually Callum, what I want more than anything is for us to be together.” Callum’s eyes widened in shock and he took a step back. He wasn’t expecting Ben to be so upfront. He went to speak but was cut off. “Don’t worry I know there’s very little chance of that happening, but I’m just trying to be honest about how I feel. I did a lot of thinking while I was away. I realised that I wasn’t happy with who I’d become. So I’m making changes. I’m gonna be better.”’

“I’m pleased for you Ben but..” Callum tried to speak but Ben needed to get it out before he lost his nerve.

“Not just for you, but for Lexi and most importantly for me. I meant what I said I’m gonna change, no more dodgy deals, no more doing anything to keep my Dad happy. And I’m not expecting you to just trust me or forgive me, but I’m hoping that I can earn it and we can start again.”

Callum shook his head and let out a sigh. “Ben I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m happy that you’ve sorted your head out and it’s great that your trying to change but it still doesn’t change anything. I’m moving on.”

“I know you are… I em saw you last night getting off the tube.” Ben replied softly. 

Callum’s heart sank and he was hit with a wave of guilt and embarrassment. The last thing he wanted was to hurt Ben and he knew how much seeing him with someone else would have done just that. “Ben I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be!” Ben cut him off. “It ain’t your fault. I’m not gonna lie seeing you with someone else…well it almost killed me, but I can deal with it. I will deal with it. At the end of the day, I love you Callum, more than anything. I want you to be happy…and if someone else makes you happier than I won’t stand in your way. And I’ll settle for starting again and being your mate, if that’s all I can get.” Callum looked at him gulping, trying desperately to hold back the emotions at Ben’s words. He didn’t know what to say. Luckily Ben spoke again. “I’m just trying this whole new honesty thing . I’ve heard a rumour that if you tell people the truth they’re more likely to trust you.” 

Callum huffed at that, as a small smile appeared on his face. “Finally worked that out have you.” He rubbed his face trying to digest all Ben’s words. “I won’t be easy to get back to being mates. It’ll take time.”

“You’re worth the wait,” Ben smiled as he stared intently into his eyes. Hoping that it would convey he’d wait forever for him if he had to.

Callum smiled softly. He tried so hard to hide the fact that his heart was beating rapidly at Ben’s words. Struggling to hide the affection he still felt for him. The look in Ben’s eyes told him he meant every word and Callum couldn’t help but feel excited at the prospect of having such an honest relationship with him. Even if they were to only be just friends. “Okay well I’d better go. I’ll see you round yeh,” he said eventually breaking his gaze.

“Yeh, hope so.” Ben replied warmly and with that Callum turned away and left. Picking up the pace of his run once again. Ben decided to walk back, his body was trembling and heart beating so hard he felt like it was about to burst out of his chest. He thought if he tried to run he may actually have a coronary. He’d never laid his heart on the line like that before and it scared him. He just hoped that it was worth it to prove to Callum how much he meant to him. He wasn’t going to give up hope that one day they’d find a way back together. But for now he would settle for being his friend and he intended on being one of the best friends he’d ever have.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After battling some inner demons Callum moves forward with his relationship with Ryan. Ben and Stuart find some common ground when they are forced to spend time together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I really want to say a huge thanks to everyone that left kudos or commented on the story so far. It’s so encouraging to hear people are enjoying it and means a lot.
> 
> Just a reminder it’s set about a year in the future. Ben has had his operation and it was successful in restoring most of his hearing. Jay knows about Peter and Lola and they are working on fixing their relationship. I have very limited understanding of hearing loss and cochlear implants so I apologise in advance if there are inaccuracies with this.
> 
> All apologies are mine, I do proof read but may have missed the odd error.
> 
> Hope you continue to enjoy :-)

Over the next few weeks, things had started to feel more settled for Callum. The fog that had clouded his mind seemed to be lifting and he finally had a sharper view of what he wanted. He wasn’t sure he’d ever get to the place he was. Walking to work the morning after his conversation with Ben, he was unable to think straight. Ben being so open and honest about his feelings was something Callum hadn’t expected. For so long he had to fight hard to break down the walls Ben built around his heart, the ones he used to hide behind and protect himself. And although he felt like he’d been managed to break some down, he’d never fully managed to get behind them all. So him laying his heart on the line to him had sent his mind into turmoil. He had looked so genuine and sincere. Callum wanted wholeheartedly to believe him, wondering if there was a chance for them to work things out if what he said was true. He pulled out his phone and scrolled through to Ben’s number, his finger hovering over the button, wondering if he should just take the plunge and contact him. As fate would have it, he was distracted from his thoughts by a car door slamming and a booming voice just up ahead.

“I don’t care, I need that money now so sort it!” Phil Mitchell spat down the phone. The recipient on the other end had obviously taken quite an ear bashing. Callum’s began to feel angry, thinking of all the times Phil had thrown his weight around, especially with Ben. All of a sudden he felt a sudden stab in his chest, what if it was Ben he was talking to? How long would it took for him to succumb to his father’s pressure and intimidation. To end up doing something dubious again? His heart sank and his shoulders dropped. The realisation of why they could never work hit him. Even though he knew it probably wasn’t Ben in the firing line this time, he would always doubt his resolve when it came to Phil. He still didn’t trust Ben. The war that had been raging between his head and his heart continued and although his heart had begun to put up a good fight, ultimately his head had struck the killer blow. Callum scrolled past Ben’s contact, instead settling on Ryan’s name and firing off a quick message about meeting up again. It turned out he was starting to build some walls to protect his own heart. Now he just hoped he could make them strong enough that Ben couldn’t break through.

In the subsequent weeks he pressed forwards with his plans to try and reinforce those walls. Ryan and him had seen each other more frequently. They’d been out to a range of places and every time they seem to click more and more. Callum never found it hard to think of things to say and they could go from serious topics like work and politics, to critiquing the latest England performance or making sarcastic digs at each other’s taste in music. Their physical closeness had also increased, they would now often link hands, especially when walking to and from places. They would sit next to each other and causally have a hand on each other’s knee or an arm stretched around the neck and resting on a shoulder. Callum felt more and more at ease with this and enjoyed the closeness. Each soft touch sending a tingle of excitement through him. At the end of each date they’d shared a kiss, each becoming slightly more intense than the last. Callum liked the taste of Ryan’s lips and the feel of his soft skin against his cheek. The spark between them was growing and it was clear they both wanted more. Although he found this exciting, it also terrified Callum a little. He knew he was very inexperienced. Even though he was confident at knowing what Ben liked and showing Ben what he liked, he was worried it wouldn’t be the same with someone else. Once again the cloud of doubts settled over his mind and that’s why he found himself pulling back when Ryan’s hand found his way under his shirt at the end of their latest date.

“I’ve got to go.” he moaned as he pulled away.

“Why don’t you come back to mine?” Ryan replied a little breathless from their kiss.

Callum panicked. Part of him wanted to, really wanted to, but he couldn’t shake the nerves that were causing a wave of storms in his stomach. He took a breath, hoping he could answer without pushing Ryan away. “I’m sorry. I’d love to but I can’t... I’ve promised I’d help my brother with something in the morning.”

“Right,” Ryan mumbled clearly disappointed. Callum’s heart sank, he really didn’t want to mess this up but he knew now wasn’t the time. “Some other time then?” Ryan sighed. Callum nodded then looked down, mentally telling himself to pull himself together. He really liked Ryan and he wanted this to move forward. Ryan could obviously sense Callum’s unease and softly placed a hand on his cheek to reassure him. “It’s fine, honestly. Maybe next time we could get a take away and have a movie night at mine….No pressure,” he smiled Callum and it made his heart melt a little.

“I’d like that,” he said softly and with that Ryan placed a soft kiss on his lips.

“I’ll call you and we’ll sort out a time, yeh,” he said as he pulled away. Callum smiled warmly at him and nodded. “Night Callum.”

“Night,” he replied in barely a whisper and with that they both turned to talk away. Callum took long deep breaths to compose himself as he walked home. He felt like his whole body was trembling. He wished he could say it was excitement but in truth it was primarily fear. He just hope he’d sort his head out and get over it by the time their next date came around.

A decent sleep evaded Callum that night, he woke up the next morning feeling fairly exhausted. Probably from all the tossing and turning he’d done as well as the meandering river he’d swam in his mind. He was glad to be on nights for the next few days. It gave him the perfect chance to prepare for his next date. It would also probably wear him out enough to help him sleep better. After getting up and jumping in the shower he set about helping Stuart with moving some stuff at the parlour. Initially he wasn’t keen on the idea, but he was now grateful it had given him a perfect excuse for coming home last night. Just as he was finishing off and heading back to the flat he spotted Lola heading towards him.

“Hey Stranger!” she called out as she waved to get his attention. “What you been up to? Missed seein you about.”

As she approached she enveloped Callum in a warm hug, which he reciprocated. He had missed spending time with Lola. “Yeh been busy with work and stuff, sorry. You guys all okay?”

“Yeh we’re good. Same old really, you know how it is in our mad house,” she chuckled rolling her eyes. He nodded and smiled knowing exactly what she meant. He always enjoyed the madness of their family and felt a little sadness at the fact he was no longer part of it. “Hey I’m in a bit of a rush now, only popped out cos we ran out of milk in the salon. But you free for a quick catch up at lunchtime in the Vic?”

“Yeh sure. I’d love that,” he replied.

“Great see you there bout 1?” Callum nodded and with that she blew him a kiss a headed back to the salon.

Time escaped him really quickly after that and before he knew it he was sat with Lola in the Vic. It had been ages since they’d caught up and he was really enjoying spending time with her. She spent ages filling him in on how Lexi had been doing and showing him photos of her from an award ceremony at and latest dance contest. Callum was so happy to see them, although it dawned on him how much he missed Lexi and being part of these milestones in her life. Lola also filled in him on how well things were going with Jay and how they were planning on taking Lexi up to Blackpool in a few weeks to see the illuminations. Callum was so pleased to see that their family was getting back on track.

Lola finally got to the end of her news. “Sorry I’ve been goin on for ages. What’s goin on with you? Anythin interestin happenin in your life?” she asked raising her eyebrows with a look that suggested she knew he had.

Callum smiled shyly, “Take it Ben told you he saw me on a date?”

“Not exactly…he said somethin to Jay and he mentioned it to me,” she said hesitantly. “So you gonna tell me about it?”

Callum shoulders tensed and he shuffled awkwardly. He hadn’t told anyone about Ryan, Ben only knew because he saw them. It also felt a little strange talking about it to Lola, with her being so close to Ben. He shrugged his shoulders before speaking. “I ain’t really told anyone about it…I mean I wasn’t sure we should talk about it anyway, you know…well you know why?”

She reached across and touched his arm gently. “You know I’m still your mate as well and I want to hear about it. I promise I won’t say anything. I better at keepin me gob shut than Jay!” she scoffed.

Callum laughed. “Okay…Well his name’s Ryan, I met him at work. He’s a solicitor and we’ve been out a few times.” Callum stopped not sure how much he should give away. Especially as he still felt nervous about where things were heading.

“Annnnd,” Lola quizzed, “Do you like him?”

Callum felt unsure about a lot of things but he knew the answer to that one, so he nodded quickly. “Yeh I do. He’s great, he funny and kind. Got dodgy tastes in music and football, but I’m prepared to over look it as he’s pretty fit.” He let out a small laugh followed by a sigh.

Lola could tell Callum was holding back something. “He sounds like a catch.” Again Callum nodded and smiled. “But I’m also sensin you’re unsure about somethin,” she added. Callum shrugged, he really wanted to talk to someone about his worries but wasn’t sure it should be Lola. “You can talk to me,” she reassured him gently.

Callum took a deep breath. He knew he could trust Lola. “Things have been goin really well. It’s been about 4 weeks now and well he wants me to stay over.”

“And you don’t want to?” she asked tilting her head sympathetically.

“No I do, I really do…it’s just…well I’ve only ever been with Ben…and Whit obviously, but like only one bloke and I’m not exactly oozing confidence in that department.” His face fell towards his chest as he spoke.

“Oh Callum,” she squeezed his arm to reassure him again. “It’s normal to feel nervous for your first time with anyone, but I’m sure it will be great. I mean Ben never had any complaints, he couldn’t keep his hands off ya. So I really don’t think it’ll be a problem…but maybe you should just talk to him about it.”

“I just don’t wanna sound like an idiot Lo, I mean I could put him off completely.” Callum shook his head.

She smiled softly at him. “Callum if he’s a nice a guy as you say he’ll understand. And if he likes you as much as you seem to like him then I’m sure it will be great anyway. Just go for it yeh.” Callum smiled and nodded again. He knew she was right and he knew Ryan had been patient and understanding about everything. There was no reason to think he wouldn’t be just as considerate when it came to this. Maybe he did just need to get out of his own head and go with it. Just then the door swung open and Ben and Jay came in and headed over to the bar. Callum had seen Ben a few times around the square since their chat. It had always been fine and they’d been civil and they’d exchanged pleasantries in passing. However when he realised Jay was heading over to join him and Lola, he started to panic this could lead to an awkward situation.

“Right I should go,” he mumbled and began to stand.

“Don’t go on my account!” Ben said rather sheepishly from behind him, two beers in his hand. Callum looked at him and went to speak but found himself unsure of what to say. Being around Ben tended to have that effect on him.“Come on at least finish ya drink,” Ben continued. “I’ll promise I’ll behave. Although I can’t promise I won’t mentally undress you,” he whispered with a smirk and wink.

Callum shook his head but couldn’t help laugh. It was nice to see some of that old sparkle in Ben, even if the humour was a way of deflecting his ill ease. “Okay,” he submitted and sat back down next to Lola. After an initial awkward silence Ben launched into talking about the morning him and Jay had had. Confidently discussing a great sale he’d made and then laughing about a woman who’d tried to flirt with him to get a discount.

“Talk about barkin, up the wrong flamin tree!” he chuckled. Callum was heartened by the fact that Ben seemed to have some of his old humour and charm back. He’d seen how much the accident had taken from him and he felt a sense of pride that he was finally on the up. The conversation turned onto usual things about life on the square and Callum was comforted by the fact that despite the slight awkwardness, Ben and him had managed to chat, be civil and not make the others uncomfortable. Maybe him and Ben could do this whole friends thing after all. Eventually he finished his drink and said his goodbyes. As he left decided to text Ryan. After his chat with Lola, he was feeling better about taking the next step. If he could get past all his issues with Ben and start to be friends, then he could definitely overcome his nerves to move forward with Ryan.

Trying hard to keep that in mind, Callum tried to push his nerves aside as the week went on. As the night of his date arrived he tried hard to subdue the butterflies that fluttered furiously in his stomach. He’d told Stuart that he was staying over at a mates and not to expect him back. At least that way if tonight went terribly it would save him an awkward discussion about why he’d messed up his first chance of a new relationship. When he arrived at Ryan’s he could sense he was a little anxious too. There was clearly an air of anxiety between them, highlighted by their tense arms and tight lips when they leant in to give each other a quick peck as they met. Luckily the conversation during dinner was still easy and that helped settle Callum’s nerves a little. After dinner they moved to the sofa and began to watch a film. That’s when Callum’s anxiety began to reach a catastrophic height. Ryan slowly stroked up and down his thigh and the sensations began to make body with a mixture of desire and trepidation. He began to run his fingers through Ryan’s hair, more to calm himself than anything else. He had no idea what was going on in the film, he hadn’t been able to concentrate. The thick mist that swirled in his mind had obscured the view of anything else. As if Callum’s touch had spurred him on, Ryan lifted his head and stared intently into his eyes. Callum’s heart began to race at the intensity of Ryan’s gaze. Slowly Ryan leaned up and pressed his lips against his. It was soft and gentle at first but as soon as Callum responded it become more intense and desperate. Callum opened his mouth to let Ryan’s tongue explore, as Ryan’s hands began to travel under his shirt. At that point Callum’s fear took over and he froze, trembling as he pulled back.

Breathing heavily, Ryan looked at him with darkened eyes. “Are you okay?” he asked almost panting. “We can stop if this is moving too fast.”

Callum took a second to compose himself then sighed deeply before speaking. “It’s not that,” he mumbled rubbing his face “It’s just…erm, I’ve only ever done this with one bloke before. I guess I’m a bit nervous I won’t live up to your expectations.” His embarrassment took over and his face flushed pink as he dropped his chin to his chest.

Ryan placed his hand under his chin and tilted his head to look at him. “You don’t need to worry. I have no expectations, I just want to be with you. I think you’re amazing and whatever happens tonight I just want you to enjoy it. Hey for all you know it could be me who’s a let down,” he shrugged and smiled nervously. In that moment Callum could tell this meant a lot to him too. “Look we can take this as slow as you want, if you just want to stay and cuddle. I’ll take it. I just quite like the idea of waking up with you tomorrow.” Ryan then blushed his own embarrassment clear. “God I must sound….” he went to speak but Callum cut him off with a heated kiss. In that moment the fog lifted completely, he knew exactly what he wanted and that was to be with Ryan. Ryan felt like he’d had the air sucked from his lungs and responded with a loud moan. He pulled away and whispered, “You sure?” Callum nodded. Ryan took his hand, pulled him up and lead him to the bedroom. In that moment Callum had could not be more sure that this is what he wanted.

Ben’s life had really begun to settle in the past few weeks. The storm clouds that had sailed above him for years finally seemed to be dispersing. Business was good, he’d made some tremendous deals and profits had increased. Lexi was making him so proud. She’d won an award at school and Ben’s heart burst with pride when he watched her receive it. He wasn’t ashamed to admit that he shed a tear when she told the whole school it was dedicated to him for being the bravest person she knew. Of course he wasn’t the only one whose eyes filled with tears. His Mum, Lola and even Jay had struggled to hold them back. The only thing that had taken some of the shine off it was that Callum hadn’t been part of it. He knew how proud he would have been too and it made his heartache a little that they hadn’t shared the experience. In fact, that was the only rain cloud that still lingered over his world. The anguish of being without Callum sat heavy in his heart. Ever since he’d seen him on his date and the following day, he hadn’t been able to get stop thinking about it. The image of him kissing another man still made him feel sick, but he knew he had to try and get over it to keep the hopes alive of them rebuilding any kind of relationship. They’d seen each other a few times around the square and and had always been civil. And of course they’d even managed a drink in the Vic with Lola and Jay one lunchtime. Ben couldn’t ignore the slight tension in the air that day but had been relieved when Jay had told him that he’d enjoyed them all spending time with each other. At least it meant they could spend time together with mutual friends without making anyone else uncomfortable. He’d hoped it had paved the path for them beginning to become friends again and maybe more one day.

Another part of his life he felt happier with was the fact he’d successfully kept his Dad at bay. To be honest it wasn’t like his Dad had made much effort for reconciliation. He’d sent two text messages saying he wanted to discuss some business. Ben had replied that he wasn’t interested and he’d meant it when he said they were done. It was easier than Ben had imagined to cut him out of his life. The more confident and happy he felt about himself, the more he realised how little his approval was actually worth. Standing on his own two feet and living his life the way he finally wanted to, had made him feel stronger than he had in years. This Ben Mitchell was one he actually liked and respected and he was determined to keep being this version of himself no matter what.

A few days after he’d had a drink in the Vic with Callum, Lola and Jay he found himself alone at the Car Lot. Jay has gone on a day trip to Birmingham to source some new stock, leaving Ben I’m charge of the office. It had been a fairly quiet morning so he was catching up on some paperwork. All of a sudden the door burst open and he was slightly shocked to see Stuart standing there. If the truth were told, he’d half expected to have had Stuart around before now, shouting the odds and warning him to keep away from Callum. He was slightly surprised it had taken this long. Part of him wondered if he’d found out about their meeting in the pub and wondered if that had triggered the unexpected visit. Stuart was clearly wound up about something, his instinct had been to give him some sarcastic remark to irk him further. However he stopped himself, realising that Callum wouldn’t take to kindly to him fighting with his brother. The last thing he wanted was to push him away further, when they had only taken baby steps forward.

“And what do I owe this unexpected pleasure to?” he greeted him in a sarcastic tone.

“I’m looking for Jay. I’ve tried ringing him but can’t get hold of him.” Stuart rumbled back at him.

“He ain’t here, gone to Birmingham for the day. Won’t be back til tonight. Can I be of service in any way?” Ben flashed him a fake grin as he spoke.

“Crap!” Stuart growled at him.

“Problem?” Ben was intrigued at why Stuart was in this mood and what it had to do with Jay.

“Nothing I can’t handle! Just a bit of hitch at the parlour, I’ll sort it.” Stuart mumbled back as he went to leave.

Ben was slightly worried. He was always dubious about Stuart and Rainie being in charge at the Parlour. Personally he wouldn’t trust them to organise booze up in a brewery so he’d never been keen on him looking after the Funeral Parlour. Especially as the last thing he would want was anything to cause a problem for The Cokers and their business. “What kind of hitch?” he asked sharply.

Stuart turned around and glared at Ben, he thought about shrugging Ben off but he was in a bit of a situation and was a little desperate. “Long story but due to a miscommunication, we’re a member of staff down today and it turns out we need all hands on deck for a big funeral, for an important client. At the moment we’re a pall bearer down. I need to find someone…But don’t worry I’ll sort it!” he snapped.

“Well have you tried Callum or Billy. You need someone with a bit of experience. If it’s an important client. Can’t just have any old moron doing it!” Ben was frustrated, he knew Stuart couldn’t be trusted to sort out a crisis and from the sounds of it he’d caused this one.

“You don’t think I thought of that!”, he snarled at Ben. “Billy has the kids off school sick and Callum well he stayed at a mates last night and he’s not answering his phone.” Ben’s felt a crushing sensation around his chest at the last statement. He knew that Callum wasn’t staying with a mate, he’d be with The Blonde Adonis, as Ben had nicknamed him. It made him feel sick, the thought that someone else was exploring Callum’s body, hearing the moans that escaped his mouth when he was in the throws of pleasure, hearing him snore quietly when he slept, waking up in his arms breathing in his scent. Until now he still held hope that things had gone no further than a few dates and kisses. But now in Ben’s mind this was the confirmation he needed that Callum had given himself to someone else. Stuart couldn’t have broken him more if he’d turned up and beaten him to within an inch of his life. He’d caused him more pain with his revelation than he’d known or actually intended to. Ben turned away from him and looked at the ceiling and tried to steady himself, not willing to let Stuart know how much distress he was in. He was snapped out of his thoughts by Stuart.

“Any other bright ideas?” he barked back at him.

“Don’t start on me!” he retorted. He had a good mind to just let him sink into his own downfall. He knew the mistake could land him in a lot water with Jay and he almost wanted to watch him drown in it. However at the end of the day it would be the Coker’s business that would suffer and he would not stand by and let that happen. “What times the funeral?”

“Half 11,” Stuart murmured.

“Right I’ll need a black tie. I know I don’t have one. I’ll go and get changed into my suit and meet you back at the parlour.”

“You!” Stuart looked shocked at the suggestion. “Nah. I ain’t workin with you!”

Ben took a deep breath. He could really have punched Stuart at this point for being so stubborn and stupid. He had to try very hard to keep his temper. “Look… pal, spending the afternoon with you and that cheap imitation of Mortitia don’t sound like much fun to me either, but it don’t look like you’ve got many other options to me.”

Stuart looked extremely annoyed and like he was about to unleash hell on Ben, but then his shoulders fell when he accepted he had little choice. “Fine. I’ll sort a tie. Don’t be late!” he shouted storming out of the office. Ben just stood there shaking his head, incredulous at his attitude. He sighed trying to compose himself, feeling slightly in tatters at the events, but knowing he had to put his heartache to one side and get on with it. He would be damned if he let The Cokers suffer. Packing up quickly, he gathered his belongings and locked up the office. The takings for his business might be down today but that would be worth it to help out The Cokers and Jay.

Several hours later, they all arrived back at the Parlour. The funeral had ran smoothly in the end and Ben had successfully managed to suppress the urge to shove Stuart into an open grave at the ceremony. Stuart had tried his hard to push his buttons, trying to assert his authority and attempting to boss Ben about. Ben had done well to keep his cool and remain professional. Although he had streamed the theme from the Addams family in the car on the way back. Stuart was oblivious to what he found so funny as Ben sang along wildly, looking at him like he was some sort of lunatic. After making sure everything was sorted properly Ben made to leave, wanting to exit Stuart’s company as quickly as possible. He thought he’d earned a stiff drink after putting up with him all day.

Stuart stopped him as he made his way out of the door. “Erh. Thanks for stepping in today. Kinda saved my skin a bit,”’he muttered bashfully.

“Yeh well…I didn’t do it for you. The Cokers and Jay mean the world to me. I’d never let their business suffer because of your incompetency,” he scoffed.

Stuart nodded then looked at him pleadingly. “Are you gonna tell Jay?”

Ben huffed. He knew he should tell Jay and it would put Stuart’s job on the line. But once again he thought about how Callum would feel if that happened. As much as he hated Stuart, he wouldn’t go out of his way to hurt Callum or his family. After a painful pause he finally gave Stuart an answer. “I should…but I won’t.”

“Thanks… I guess. But I don’t get it… thought you’d have loved a chance to drop me in it!” Stuart couldn’t even bring himself to sound grateful.

“Ain’t about you. Believe me as much as I would love to watch you squirm, I don’t think Callum would want you in any bother.” Stuart eyebrows furrowed, not really understanding what Ben meant. “Despite what you may think of me I would never do anything to hurt your brother. And I reckon getting you in hot water might upset him.”

“What do you think by helpin me out, I’ll put a good word in or somethin?” Stuart hissed. “Cos that’s ain’t happenin. See I only want what’s best for im and as far as I’m concerned he’s better off without ya!”

Ben just shook his head and sighed. “Well I guess that’s somethin we have in common. I know you probably don’t believe me and I don’t blame you cos I ain’t always been the best at showing it …but I love your brother. More than anythin. I just want him to be happy. And I know that you keepin your nose clean will make him happy.” Stuart looked at him puzzled, he didn’t know what to make of what he said. He was stunned into silence. “So don’t worry your secrets safe with me. No one needs to know about it, not Jay and not Callum.” Ben reassured him. “But don’t let any mistakes like this happen again. Jay trusts you to look after this place for some god unknown reason. Don’t let him down!” And with that he turned and left.

Stuart watched him go, feeling a little troubled and still a little shaken by his declaration. For the first time he’d seen genuine feeling from Ben towards his brother. Of course he’d seen them together before and they looked happy, but Ben was always very guarded. Today he saw that Ben genuinely loved Callum and wanted him to be happy. He’d also seen him step up to help those he cared about. Maybe he wasn’t completely evil after all, he thought. But in Stuart’s eyes, he’d caused Callum too much pain and he was still determined not to let him claw his way back into his heart. He’d always want the best for his little brother and in his opinion that wasn’t Ben Mitchell.

Ben headed back to the Car Lot for a bit. Business was still slow in the afternoon so she finished his paperwork and decided to head home early. He was shattered from the days events and needed to just switch off for a bit. When he got there he was greeted by Lexi who proudly showed him the certificate she earned for her dance class. It was for determination and perseverance. Apparently she’d found one move particularly difficult but she didn’t give up and kept practising until she got it right. Ben’s heart was filled with joy at the pride she had in herself. He’d felt like giving up after the revelation he’d heard earlier, but Lexi had reminded him that you need to keep going. She’d once again been the sunshine to break through the clouds. There was still hope in his life and light at the end of the tunnel. Even if the tunnel had gone in a different direction to what he thought, it didn’t meant he wouldn’t be able to find a way out into the light again.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Callum introduces Ryan to his family. Ben and Callum spend time together and try to build some sort of friendship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again I just want to say thank you so much for the Kudos and comments left on the story so far. Knowing people continue to enjoy it really encourages me to keep going with it. I’ve had more time to write over the last two days so have managed to get the next chapter up more quickly than usual.
> 
> Just a reminder it’s set about a year in the future. Ben has had his operation and it was successful in restoring most of his hearing. Jay knows about Peter and Lola and they are working on fixing their relationship. I have very limited understanding of hearing loss and cochlear implants so I apologise in advance if there are inaccuracies with this.
> 
> All mistakes are mine, I do proof read but may have missed the odd error.
> 
> Hope you continue to enjoy where the story goes :-)

Creeping up the stairs to the flat, Callum was hoping that he would find it empty. He may have gotten away with telling Stuart and Rainie he was staying with a mate for one night, but he thought they might be slightly suspicious after he’d stayed two nights in a row. It wasn’t the original plan but like a lot of things in Callum’s life things had worked out differently to what he thought.

Waking up with an arm draped over him the previous morning he felt the most at peace he had in a long time. He loved having him close when he slept, it made him feel safe and loved. Before opening his eyes, snuggled closer to him, taking in a deep breath to inhale as much of his scent as possible. That’s when the spell was broken, when the illusion his mind had created, in its sleep dazed state, disappeared. The scent wasn’t Ben’s. Slowly, he opened his eyes and instead of looking down at a head of soft, brown hair, he stared at a sea of blonde waves. Guilt began to wash over him. He felt like he was betraying both men. It was great being with Ryan last night, a lot better than he’d expected. The sex had been great and there had definitely been a connection. Ryan had been sweet and gentle with him, but when they got going it had been passionate and heated. He was also vocal in letting Callum know how much he enjoyed himself, reassuring him he had nothing to worry about in that department. So why had Callum’s first thought when he woke, been of Ben? Why did he think he was lying next to Ben? It felt like betrayal to Ryan. Maybe it was his own heart betraying him, reminding him that Ben still occupied a large space there. In that respect he felt like he’d been unfaithful to Ben or if not Ben, maybe that part of his heart.

Just as he threatened to succumb to the guilt, creep out of bed and run, Ryan began to stir. Rolling his head and slightly tilting it upwards, he looked up at Callum and gave him the warmest of smiles. “Morning Gorgeous!” he yawned, stretching an arm to stroke Callum’s face.

“Morning,” Callum replied with a slightly forced smile.

“Sleep okay?” Ryan asked.

Callum was trying hard to not let Ryan see any of the thoughts in his head. He reached down and stroked his arm to help soothe them both. “Yeh. I did,” he answered warmly.

“Sorry should’ve warned you I was a snuggler, hope you didn’t mind?”

“Nah…it was..em..nice.” It wasn’t a lie, Callum loved being close to someone in bed, even if it wasn’t the person he’d thought.

Ryan beamed up at him. “How bout I go make us some breakfast and we can think about what we’re going to do today?” Callum nodded and Ryan leant up to kiss him on the cheek. “Sorry about my morning breath, if you wanna freshen up feel free,” he said pulling away and sliding out of the bed. Callum couldn’t help appreciate his toned body and pert backside. Callum definitely felt things when he was around Ryan, he couldn’t deny it. He told himself to get it together. Of course he would still think of Ben at this time and of course he still had love for him he always would. He just needed to give it time with Ryan, it was all new and feelings would take time to develop. In time Ryan may even take up more space in his heart than Ben, at least that’s what Callum thought he wanted to happen.

Once Callum had relaxed a little, he enjoyed spending the day with Ryan. They’d just lazed around his flat, watching movies, chatting and getting to know each other’s bodies. Turns out his experiences with Ben had taught him well and started to feel more confident as the day drew on. That’s why when Ryan suggested he stayed a second night, he’d been happy to along with it. Enjoying putting his new found confidence in practise. The next morning though he knew he had to get back, especially as both were working that day. After getting up and getting ready, he said his goodbyes and headed home. All the way back he tried to think about what to tell Stuart and Rainie about where he’d been. Then it hit him, maybe he just had to be honest. Things were going well with Ryan, there was no reason to hide it. He just hoped they wouldn’t go over the top about it. When he got to the top of the stairs at the flat he overheard the end of a conversation.

“He don’t need to know about it alright, keep it to yourself.

It’s for the best!” He heard Rainie bark.

“Who don’t need to know bout what?” Callum quizzed as he walked in.

Both looked surprised to see him there and a little edgy. “Oh just some mix up at the parlour. Just hopin to keep it from Jay, don’t wanna worry im. Nothin to worry bout promise,” Stuart mumbled with a nervous expression.

“Anyway look what the cat dragged in,” Rainie said quickly changing the subject. “This ain’t a walk of shame is it?” Callum blushed before he could speak she jumped back in. “It is ain’t it? Callum Highway I didn’t think you had it in you!”

“Bruv?” Stuart questioned awkwardly.

Callum shook his head and a shy grin appeared on his face. “It ain’t quite like that…I erm…Well I’ve kinda been seein someone and I stayed at his.”

Rainie’s eyes lit up with intrigue. “Since when?” she quizzed.

“Been about a month or so now.” Callum replied, trying to avoid eye contact with either.

“Why didn’t you say somethin?”

Stuart asked slightly surprised by the revelation.

Callum shrugged, “I dunno…I just wanted to see how things went, without anyone knowin and puttin pressure on things.” Stuart raised his eyebrows with a confused look on his face.

“So go on then tell us about him!” Rainie insisted. So Callum told them all about Ryan and how they met. How they’d been on quite a few dates and things were going well. Callum smiled shyly the whole time, he did really like Ryan. It also felt good to be to talk to his brother about him, thinking how far they’d come since he’d first come out. He felt secure in the knowledge Stuart was so accepting of who he was.

“So…” Stuart grinned after Callum had finished talking. “When do we get to meet him? Give him the once over.”

“I dunno.” Callum was hesitant. “It might be a bit soon to do the whole meet the family thing.”

“Not embarrassed of us are you Bruv?” Stuart said almost sounding offending.

“Course not…just..”

“Great, well invite him round for dinner when you’re next off.” Stuart insisted and Callum felt like he had little choice. He just nodded and smiled. “Honestly Bruv we’re so pleased to see you movin on and bein happy.” Callum agreed to text Ryan and just hoped he wasn’t freaked out by the idea of meeting his family.

Ryan was of course great about the idea, he liked the idea of meeting some of Callum’s family and seeing where he lived. That’s how a week later Callum found himself on a double date with his brother and Rainie at the flat. Callum had cooked and Ryan was impressed with his culinary skills. Stuart and Rainie had set out to make sure they impressed Ryan on Callum’s behalf. Unfortunately Stuart’s attempts at humour and intellectual conversation were slightly cringeworthy. However Ryan had tried hard to laugh along and ignore the obvious ignorance. When the conversation got onto football, Stuart and him found common and both engaged in a lovely debate about West Ham’s chances of survival this year. At the end of the evening Rainie suggested the go and get a drink in the Vic. Callum wasn’t too sure, he didn’t feel right about flaunting Ryan to the other residents of the square, one in particular. Ryan seemed keen on the idea so Callum gave in and just hoped it wouldn’t end up being awkward. When they arrived, Ryan offered to get the drinks to thank them for their hospitality.

Rainie pulled Callum close and whispered to him “He’s definitely a keeper, fit as and a right charmer. You wanna keep hold of im.” Callum just smiled and patted her on the back, offering to go with Ryan to the bar to help with the drinks. While they stood waiting, Callum thanked Ryan and apologised for his brother attempts at humour. Ryan reassured him he’d had a good time and he liked both Stuart and Rainie. As he talked he placed his arm around Callum’s waist and leant up to peck him on the cheek. Callum turned his head to him and smiled. It was at that moment he spotted Ben sitting in the far corner of the Vic, staring intently at him and Ryan. Callum’s heart sank, the last thing he wanted was to rub salt in Ben’s wounds. He pulled away from Ryan as Sharon came forward to serve them. His eyes once again locked on Ben’s. Callum could see the hurt in his eyes and the movement of his Adam’s Apple as he gulped back his emotions. Then he saw the mask descend. The one Ben wore when he tried to appear strong, even though he was crumbling inside. Ben tilted his chin up towards Callum and gave him weak smile, before returning to his conversation with Jay and looking away. Ryan nudged Callum to let him know their drinks were ready and they headed over to Stuart and Rainie. The next time he looked over Ben had gone and he let out a deep breath. Trying hard to focus on enjoying the rest of the evening and ignoring the dagger laced with guilt that stabbed away at his heart.

Ben spotted them as soon as they walked into the Vic. Laughing and joking with Stuart and Rainie, they looked like were having a wonderful time together. Ben felt an overwhelming sense of jealousy. He knew he’d never be able to have that with Callum and his family. There was too much water under the bridge for things ever to sail that smoothly. He saw the way Rainie had looked at Callum’s new man and the way she whispered to Callum, clearly giving her approval. Then he watched as they walked over the to the bar together, chatting easily as the man slipped his arm around Callum and kissed his cheek. It dawned on him they were stood in near enough the exact same place that Ben had been when he first met Callum. Ben recalled that moment. The second he set eyes on Callum knew he was special. He was mesmerised by his dazzling blue eyes and beautiful smile. When the shook hands he felt a jolt of electricity, something he had never experienced before. He knew then they had a connection, it both intrigued and terrified him. However the magnetism of it kept him drawn to him and he could never keep away. As Callum turned to look towards the man he locked eyes with Ben. Ben tried hard to swallow his emotions and keep an appearance of neutrality, despite his heart shattering like glass. He gestured towards Callum and tried hard to smile, before trying to refocus on whatever Jay was saying.

After a while he excused himself to go the the bathroom not being able keep up the façade for much longer. Whilst in there he washed his face and took deep breaths hoping to compose himself. He must have been in there for about ten minutes, when the door flew open and as if someone was trying to break him further, in he walked. The Blonde Adonis, who was pulling Ben apart piece by piece without even knowing it. Ben unintentionally made eye contact.

“Alright,” Ryan uttered, in response to catching Ben’s eye, trying to be pleasant.

“Alright,” Ben replied. He put his head down, trying hard to keep his mouth shut. Trying to squash all the things he could say to him that would put him off. Although he would love nothing more than for the bloke to get as far away from Callum as he could, he saw that Callum was happy with him. Deep down, his happiness was more important than his own.

“Interesting décor in here,” the man observed making idol chit chat. Ben couldn’t help but glance over and appraise his manhood while he was there. It could have been a disastrous move, but when Ben saw it he found some comfort and confidence in one advantage he had over him. Luckily he hadn’t noticed him looking.

“Yeh makes for interesting reading while ya taking a whazz,” Ben was going to try and end it there but he couldn’t help himself. “You new round here, can’t say I’ve seen you before?”

“Kind of yeh, bloke I’m sort of seeing lives round here. Callum.” Ryan replied, not really paying much attention to Ben.

“Oh yeah Highway?” Ben asked as if he didn’t already know. “He’s a good un, very well thought of round here. You’re a lucky bloke. Treat him right yeh,” and with that Ben turned to leave.

“I intend to…Sorry didn’t catch your name…” Ryan turned around but a Ben was gone. Ben rushed back over the Jay and made his excuses. Now he’d seen Ryan close up and realised how handsome he was he felt a little defeated. If there was a way for Callum to find his way back to him, the path had just been obscured by a huge obstacle.

A few days later Ben was enjoying some quality time with Lexi. After seeing Callum and meeting his new beau in the Vic, Ben’s mood had felt a little darker. Jay had suggested he take the day off and spend time with Lexi. Partly because he knew she would be the one to bring him out of his depression and partly because he was sick of his moping. Calling a customer, who was trying to negotiate a discount, a cheap skate who’s wallet had seen less action than a nun’s privates, was the final straw. Jay has ordered he took the next day off. Lexi had planned the whole day for them. They were going to go and get stuff for a picnic from the café and then head to a local nature reserve to feed the ducks. Ben knew she just wanted an excuse to wear her new unicorn wellies, but he couldn’t say no to her. They walked through the market hand in hand, Lexi listing all the items she wanted from the Café. Just as they were heading towards the door a familiar figure walked around the corner. Callum was casually walking down Bridge Street, exchanging greetings with the stall holders. Lexi spotted him first and released Ben’s hand bolting towards him.

“Callum!” she screamed at the top of lungs. Ben’s heart started doing cartwheels. Seeing his daughter being scooped up and spun round by Callum made his heart soar but then quickly drop when he realised that he wasn’t the only person who missed Callum. What made it worse was that he knew he had caused the distress for Lexi. He approached them both slowly, not wanting to interrupt the moment they were sharing.

“I’ve missed you too Lex,” he heard Callum say as he got closer. As he saw Ben approach, he put Lexi down. “Hi,” he said with a warm smile. Ben waved and was about to reply it Lexi cut him off.

“Where ya going?” she asked.

“Well I was just going to do a bit if shopping actually. It’s my day off today so thought I might try and get some new trainers. Mine are a bit worn out.” Callum lifted one foot to highlight what he meant. “What about you guys? Where you off too?”

“We’re off for a picnic n to feed the ducks!” Lexi replied excitedly. “Dad bought me these new wellies, wanna test em out!”

Callum couldn’t help but smile. Lexi had such a zest and enthusiasm for life. It was infectious. “Wow. That sounds like fun!” he replied.

“Why don’t you come?” Lexi asked enthusiastically.

Both Ben and Callum didn’t know what to say to her. Both umming and ahhing unsure of what to say. “Baby I think Callum’s busy.” Ben finally got out.

“No he ain’t!” Lexi insisted. “He just said it was his day off and he was goin shoppin.”

Ben looked at Callum and signed _Sorry_. Before he spoke to Lexi, “Right so he has plans.”

“Not important ones. He said he wanted to buy trainers. That can wait.” Lexi was persistent.

“Princess you can’t just demand he changes his plans.” Ben began to feel embarrassed and awkwardly rubbed his head.

“You promised me he would still want to spend time with me, even if he weren’t ya boyfriend. And I never see him anymore. It ain’t fair!” Lexi began to become frustrated. Both Callum and Ben’s heart dropped to the pit of their stomach. Both feeling guilty for Lexi suffering because their break-up. “Please Callum!”

Ben just looked at Callum and signed _It’s up to you. Don’t feel bad if you can’t._ Callum retuned by signing _It’s okay._

“I tell you what Lex, I’ll need to go home and get my walking boots but I can come.”

“Yay!” she screamed, jumping up and down with excitement.

“We’re just getting a picnic from the café. What should I get for you? On me of course.” Ben asked.

“Sandwich of some sort, you know what I eat. Just make sure there’s some iced buns in there.” Callum replied with a smile. “Meet you there in ten.” Ben just nodded as Callum walked away. Ben didn’t know whether to strangle Lexi or give the biggest cuddle in the world. Today could go one of two ways. It could be so awkward that Callum wouldn’t want to spend time with them again or it could be more steps on the road to rebuilding. He just prayed it would be the latter.

The morning went quite quickly, it was a little uneasy to start with but Lexi had eased things by telling Callum all her news. As they walked around the nature reserve she filled him in on school, specifically how she’d got her special award. Ben proudly showed Callum the video of her accepting it and the dedication she gave. Callum struggled to hold back his emotions at her words about Ben. He swallowed hard but one small tear escaped. The love between Lexi and Ben had always humbled him. Hearing her say how brave he was struck a chord. He’d desperately wanted Ben to see that for himself when they were together. Though he never had. He just hoped Lexis words had hammered it home to him. Lexi also told him about her dancing and how she had gotten tickets to see Little Mix for her birthday. How she was counting down the days until the concert. They’d also picked up a nature scavenger hunt. Lexi chose the harder one knowing it would take longer and that would give them more time together. Callum found it hilarious when Lexi and Ben searched for animal tracks. Ben trying to convince Lexi that a bicycle tyre track was the track of a unique snake, who burrowed into the mud to look for food. Lexi was having none of it and accusing him of cheating. Ben rolled his eyes, knowing his daughter had him beaten, she was far too clever to fall for his nonsense. Callum was a little mortified, when looking for a cloud shaped like an animal, Ben pointed out one that was rather phallic shaped.

“Now I’d say that was a rather large cock!” he whispered to Callum, making him blush deeply. “Does that count?” Callum shook his head and pushed him in the back before letting out a large chuckle.

Both men enjoyed spending time together with Lexi. It was familiar and easier than they’d both thought. At lunchtime they found a spot near a playground and sat down on the grass to eat. Callum couldn’t help feel overwhelmed when he realised Ben had chosen his favourite sandwich, crisps and drink. Although Ben hadn’t paid enough attention to Callum’s feelings, he had to many other things about Callum. He realised how well Ben knew him and wondered if anyone else would ever know him as well. After lunch Lexi asked if she could play on the park. Ben agreed as long as she stayed within sight. She soon found another girl who was on her own to play with and was enjoying climbing up the wooden obstacles with her new friend. Both men watched her with hearts full of joy at how confident she was. Both in complete awe at how easy she found it to make friends. Neither of them had ever found it that simple as a child.

Once again a slightly awkward silence descended when Lexi left. Both men struggling with the new platonic status of their relationship. Feeling they needed to learn how to navigate their way through their new friendship. Eventually Ben broke the silence, wanting so much for things to be comfortable between them. “Thanks again for today. I know it’s a bit awkward, but it means a lot to Lexi that you came…”

Callum shrugged slightly. “It’s okay. I don’t mind spending time with Lex. I’ve missed her…and it’s been alright spending time with you I guess.”

Ben smiled, “Yeh well I can think of worse people to spend the day with too. Speakin of which how’s that brother of yours?”

Callum smirked and shook his head. “Shut up!” he replied throwing an empty paper bag at Ben. “I guess somethings will never change eh?”

“You’d really start worryin about me if I started thinkin spendin time with ya brother was a good idea.” Ben scoffed.

Callum just let out another chuckle. “Yep I’d be callin em to cart you off.” Both men gave each other shy glances and smiles. It did feel nice to be in each other’s company again, even if they were both nervous.

Ben decided to be brave and bring up the subject of the new guy in Callum’s life. As much as it had hurt him to see him with him, he still couldn’t help being curious about it. Plus if they were going to be friend he didn’t want Callum to feel he couldn’t talk about him. “So…not seein loverboy today?” Callum’s body instantly tensed. He dropped his eyes to the floor, unsure of how to answer. Ben could tell the change in him straight away. “Come on Callum. If we are gonna try and be friends we can’t pretend he don’t exist.”

Callum knew Ben was right. As difficult as it was he couldn’t never speak of Ryan around Ben if they were to be friends. “He’s workin today,” he finally conceded.

Ben knew it would be difficult to hear about Callum’s new man, but if he wanted to be his friend he’d have to deal with it. “So hows it goin with you two. Are you guys official?”

Callum shuffled uncomfortably and kept his eyes firmly fixed on the floor. “We haven’t really put a label on it. Just kinda seein where it goes. But it’s goin well so far…I really like him,” he said in a volume barely more than a whisper.

Ben nodded. “Does he have a name and a clean record?” Ben asked sarcastically.

Callum sucked his lips inwardly and chuffed out a small laugh. “His name’s Ryan, he’s one of the duty solicitors at the station and apart from a criminal taste in football teams, he’s clean as far as I know.”

Ben continued to nod along as a sad smile appeared on his face. “Wow! A solicitor hey. You’ve done well for yourself. Fit as well…from what I’ve seen.”

“Hey keep your hands to ya self hey!” Callum attempted to lighten the mood with a stupid joke.

“You don’t need to worry, I’ve only got eyes for one man still.” Ben said looking at the floor.

Callum’s stomach flipped at Ben’s words. “Ben!”he sighed.

Ben held his hands up in surrender. “Don’t worry. I know he ain’t interested. I don’t intend on doin anythin about it.” Ben paused and looked up gazing into Callum’s eyes so he could see he was being sincere. “Just promised ya I’d be completely honest with ya from now on. And I intend to keep that promise this time. So not gonna lie about how I feel.” Callum gave a small nod before looking away, finding the intensity of Ben’s stare almost too much to bear. “You looked happy the other night when I saw you in the Vic. I mean even meetin ya brother hadn’t put him off so he must like ya.” Ben continued.

“I’m sorry about that,” Callum had interjected. “It wasn’t my idea to go in there.”

“Hey don’t apologise, it’s your local as much as mine. You have every right to be there…Not gonna lie, it was hard to watch him with his arm round you, lookin so cosy with ya family. But I’m sure I’ll get over it eventually…and in the interest of full disclosure…I should probably tell you…well I spoke to him.”

Callum looked horrified “What…when…what did you say?...For God’s sake Ben…” Callum was starting to look annoyed so Ben interrupted him quickly.

“Don’t get your boxers in a twist! He spoke to me first, tryin to make small in the bogs.” Callum relaxed a little at that, Ryan had told him that he was chatting to a bloke in the toilets, who said what a good guy Callum was. He thought it might have been Mick or Jay at the time. Now he felt a little awkward knowing it was Ben. “Anyway…” Ben continued. “He just mentioned he was seein ya and I just told him he was a lucky bloke and to take care of you, s’all.”

“Right,” Callum nodded, “Just you don’t have the best record of being nice when you’re jealous. Last two times you’ve spoke to a bloke you thought I was on a date with you’ve completely insulted them and embarrassed me.”

“I did apologise to Johnny to be fair. He was pretty good about it.” Ben huffed.

“Yeh not like Jack’s mate, what was it you compared him to… a sausage roll. I had to chase him down George Street apologising, practically beggin him to still help me out.” Callum shook his head but laughed at the memory.

“Oh yeh, again not my finest hour. Sorry.” Ben squeezed his mouth together, cringing at the memory.

“It’s alright, he was okay about it eventually...once I told him you were a bit mentally unhinged and strugglin with the break up. Had him convinced you were stalkin me.” Callum began to chuckle, “He even bought me papers to file a restrainin order when we next met up.”

Ben’s mouth was agape with shock, then he began to join in with Calllum’s laughter. “You what…Me stalkin you. You couldn’t stay away from me.” He scoffed in mock offence.

“Yeh well…still had my Baby Gay status then didn’t I. Didn’t know any better,” he smirked as he spoke to let Ben know that he meant no malice in his comment. Ben shook his head, with a huge grin, when he realised. He loved the banter he and Callum shared. Seeing the confidence Callum had gained to give as good as he got heartened Ben. He loved he could keep him on his toes. “To be fair,” Callum continued “If you thought I was on a date with him, you had lost the plot a bit. He was almost old enough to be me Dad.”

Ben continued to laugh, “Okay…okay…so I don’t exactly have the best judgement when the green-eyed monster hits.”

“D’ya think?” Callum chuckled sarcastically.

“Yeh well that was the old me…Goin for this whole new mature thing now.” Ben shrugged.

“Says the bloke who was pointing out the cock shaped cloud earlier.” Callum huffed and rolled his eyes.

Ben just grinned. “Well I guess you’ll somethings about me will never change.”

“Wouldn’t want em all to.” Callum said dropping his chin on his chest.

Ben’s heart skipped a beat, at the thought there were parts Callum still liked about him. “Yeh well…I promise I won’t ruin things for you this time. I really meant it when I said I want you to be happy.”

“Thanks,” Callum mumbled. “Sure it won’t be long til you meet someone and I’m in the same boat…I mean..” Callum began to stumble over his words. He had no idea how he’d feel seeing Ben with someone else. But he knew he wouldn’t be happy with it at first. Again he was in danger of giving too much away to Ben. He put his head in his hands to try and stop that from happening.

Luckily for him Ben picked up on his anxiety and interrupted him. “Yeh well I don’t think I’m quite ready to move on yet. Wouldn’t be fair to start somethin when I’m still hung on up on you.” Ben paused not used to being so open, but not regretting it. He knew the only way he stood any chance with a Callum was complete honesty. He cleared his throat before continuing. “Plus ain’t as easy for me to pull anymore. Not with this,” he said pointing towards his implant.

Callum tutted at him. “Don’t be ridiculous. You’re still gorgeous. Blokes leer over you all the time. Why d’you think I was always glued to you when we were out. Marking me territory.” Callum blinked in attempted wink and Ben’s heart melted at how adorable he was. “Look you’re the only one who sees this as a problem. No one else even cares. Just because you wear it doesn’t mean you’re any less sexy or desirable. You’ll have no problem findin a bloke if you want to.” Callum once again chewed his lips awkwardly.

Ben rolled rolled his own lips between his teeth. Taking in all of Callum’s words, trying hard to ignore the pounding of his heart in his chest. “So you still think I’m sexy eh?”

Callum cheeks glowed pink. “Well.. I …course you are…”Ben slapped his leg and laughed letting him know he was winding him up. “Stop windin me up!” he whined loudly before laughing.

“Sorry, you know me. Never miss a chance for a flirt or a wind up,” Ben smirked at him. “Thanks though.”

“What are mates for?” Callum sighed. “And I want us to be that Ben. I really do. I wanna hang out with you and Lex and Jay and Lo without it bein awkward. I’ve really enjoyed today. I’ve missed it,” his eyes once again met Ben’s and Ben knew what he was really saying was that he’d missed him.

“Yeh me too.” he said hoping to convey to Callum how much he missed him too. “Right enough of the heavy stuff,” he coughed to clear his throat and cover the emotion threatening to escape. “Where the hell are we gonna find a twig in the shape of a letter? She won’t let us leave until we’ve ticked off everythin on the bleedin list.”

Callum looked around, relieved to have had the subject changed. “Hang on I’ve got a plan,” he said standing and disappearing into the trees behind him. He returned a few minutes later with a branch of a tree. “Now if we break that bit off we can say it looks like an L. If we stick it a few yards over there, she maybe won’t suspect we put it there.”

“Genius!” Ben cried. “Knew you weren’t just a pretty face.” Callum blushed again. He knew he wasn’t ever going to stop Ben flirting. Then again that was Ben and it was nice to see that the cheeky, cocky confident man he’d loved was still in there. So he smiled and crept over to deposit the stick, hoping Lexi wouldn’t notice. As he sat back down, Ben acknowledged he thought it was a success by signing _Well done._ They both smiled at each other and nodded. Knowing today had possibly gone some of the way to laying the foundations for their new relationship. Whatever that may be.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A shocking secret is revealed, leaving Ben distraught. Callum steps up to support him and find himself torn over some hidden truths he discovers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again I was completely blown away with the response to the last chapter. Your Kudos and comments have really spurred me in to keep going with the story. It means so much to hear people are enjoying and engaging with it. Thank you so much. I am going to try and post the next few chapters are little more quickly if I can. 
> 
> Just a reminder it’s set about a year in the future. Ben has had his operation and it was successful in restoring most of his hearing. Jay knows about Peter and Lola and they are working on fixing their relationship. I have very limited understanding of hearing loss and cochlear implants so I apologise in advance if there are inaccuracies with this.
> 
> All mistakes are mine, I do proof read but may have missed the odd error.
> 
> Hope you continue to enjoy where the story goes :-)
> 
> *TW - Threats of violence and discussions of death in this chapter.

Ben’s mood had significantly improved over the last few weeks. Ever since his day out with Lexi and Callum things seemed so much brighter. Just having Callum back in his life made him feel at peace, even if they were only friends now. They’d spent a little more time together over the last few weeks, sometimes with Lexi, sometimes with Lola and Jay. Rarely ever on their own but Ben accepted that for now. He was just happy to have him back in his life in anyway he could get. He’d even started sending him pictures of Lexi, so he still felt involved in her life. Occasionally he’d spotted an oddly shaped cloud and snapped a photo of it, sending it to Callum. Often asking him if he could guess what he thought it looked like. Callum had always played along and always tried to keep it clean, even when Ben was pushing it. Ben felt so happy to have the jokes and communication with him. It felt more and more like the puzzle pieces were coming together again. He wasn’t yet complete but he felt like he was getting there.

Sat with his mum one Saturday night, while Jay, Lola and Lexi had gone away for the weekend, even she could tell he was back to his old self. They were watching Chicago and Ben was singing along to the musical numbers. It warmed Kathy’s heart to see Ben so comfortable in his own skin, embracing all the things he loved. “D’ya know love. I’m so proud of how you’ve turned things around.” she said taking her hand in his.

Ben looked at with furrowed eyebrows. “What’s brought that on?” he asked wondering where this had come from.

She just smiled widely. “You know after everything that’s happened in the past year or two, I wasn’t sure I’d ever get to see that old Ben Mitchell sparkle again. But here you are singing away to show tunes, unashamed and ready to take on the world. You’re so strong Ben.”

Ben returned her smile, “Well a wise old woman once told me…there was so much good in me and I just needed to find how to use it,” he said winking at her.

“Oi you! Less of the old!” she yelled in mock offence.

He just chuckled then squeezed her hand. “I’m finally starting to see it and tryin hard to use it.”

“Come here,” she whispered, pulling him in for a hug, choked up with emotion and pride. Just then the back door flew open, almost flying off its hinges, creating an almighty bang. Ben immediately jumped up preparing to defend his mother from whatever intruder had forced their way in.

He was met with Phil, face seething with rage. “Where is he?”

“Who?” Ben asked in confusion.

“That lousy, lyin, scumbag of a brother of yours! Where is he?” Phil spat.

Ben and Kathy looked at each other in confusion, before Ben spoke again. “He don’t live here, remember. He’s shacked up at the Vic with your ex missus. Have you ad a knock to the head or somethin?”

“Don’t get smart with me!” he spat, “I wanna know where he is and I wanna know now!”

“Calm down will ya. What’s all this about?” Kathy asked highly concerned about Phil’s frame of mind.

“It’s about him murderin my boy!” Phil clenched his fists.

“What are you on about Dad?” Ben shouted, utterly confused by the chain of events.

Phil pulled his phone out of his pocket and held it up so they could hear. It was a voice message, one Dennis had left Sharon the night of the boat crash, saying how Ian and locked him a room and he couldn’t get out, begging for help. A look of shock and horror descended on Ben and Kathy’s faces. Ben felt his stomach twist in knots as he heard Dennis pleading for help. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Within seconds, his mind was filled with rage.

“There’s got to be some sort of mistake. Where’s this even come from?” Kathy pleaded, fearing for Ian’s safety.

“Oh there ain’t no mistake. Sharon sent it to me. I’m not sure how it was lost or why it’s only surfaced now but there is no mistake. Now when I find him, I’m gonna make him pay.” He paused turning to Ben. “You gonna help me?”

A black mist descended and he lost control of all rational thought. He just nodded and followed Phil out of the house, shrugging his Mum off as she pleaded with him to stop. There was no way he was going to let Ian get away with what he had done.

******************************

Callum was just getting ready to head out. Things had changed in the last few weeks. He had also started feeling more at peace. He’d enjoyed having Ben back in his life, especially as it meant he was part of Lexi’s life as well. It felt he still had some part to play in their family and that made Callum feel whole. He was a little concerned at first about how Ryan would react to him spending time with Ben. Things had been going so well between them he didn’t want to rock the boat. He decided to be honest and upfront about it, he didn’t want there to be secrets between them. Ultimately that had been what destroyed his relationship with Ben and he was determined not to make the same mistakes. Ryan said he was fine with it, even when he told him it had been Ben who spoke to him in the Vic toilets. However Callum wanted to make sure, when he was next at Ryan’s flat.

“Are you sure you don’t mind?” Callum asked after telling him he’d spent the day with Ben and Lexi.

“Sure…it’s fine.” Ryan tried to reassure him but he didn’t sound convinced. “I’m glad you’re finding it easier.”

“But…,” Callum asked, sensing Ryan was holding something back.

“Honestly I don’t mind. I get it like I said before me and my ex are still good friends. It’s just…he obviously he still cares about you lot…otherwise why give me the pep talk in the pub…I don’t have anything to worry about right?” Ryan asked hesitantly.

Callum wanted to reassure Ryan. “We’re just mates. I promise there’s nothing else going on. Look I like you. I like how things are goin. So you have nothin to worry about.” he said placing his hand on top of Ryan’s.

Ryan smiled warmly. “Thanks for bein honest, I appreciate it. Promise I won’t go all possessive boyfriend on you,” as soon as he said it both men froze. They hadn’t discussed the status of their relationship before.

Callum tried to keep a neutral face, not wanting to give away the fact that his insides were quivering with anxiety. He’d only ever been someone’s boyfriend once and this was different. When Ben called him that it felt natural, he was so exited he could have danced around the Vic. However this wasn’t the same, it was all still so new. It made him nervous. Looking across at Ryan he could tell he felt nervous. “Sorry, probably should have asked you about that before I brandished the B word about…if it’s too soon…”

Callum felt uneasy, but seeing Ryan fumbling made him feel bad. At the end of the day, he was only interested in seeing Ryan. Technically that made them exclusive. He also did really like Ryan, he knew he’d got in his own head again and was worrying over something that wasn’t that big a deal. “No it’s fine. Just wasn’t expecting it that’s all…but I’m willing to go with it.” Callum said smiling. Ryan stood up and pulled Callum up to meet him with a kiss. It quickly became heated, open mouths, tongues dancing together. It soon ended up in the bedroom, both men eager to consummate their new relationship status.

And several weeks later here he was leaving the flat to meet his boyfriend. Since they’d become official they had become more settled. It felt nice having commitment with Ryan. He felt secure and even if there wasn’t the depth of feeling he’d had with Ben there yet, he hoped with each step forward it would come. As he stepped foot out of the flat, he was startled by a frantic Kathy running towards him.

“Oh thank God Callum!” she yelled when she saw him.

“Is everything okay Kathy?” Callum asked concerned when he saw the state she was in.

“It’s Ben. Please you’ve got to help me!” she cried in desperation.

Callum’s heart dropped through his feet. He was terrified something had happened to Ben. He couldn’t bear the thought of him being hurt or worse. “What’s happened?”

“It’s Phil, he turned up after Ian… Looks like Ian may have been responsible for Dennis death…” she could barely speak, obviously terrified for both her boys. “He said he’s gonna make him pay, got Ben to go with him…I’m worried what they’ll do if they find him.” Tears began to flow freely now. “Please Callum, you have to stop them. Ben’ll listen to you!”

Callum was shocked by the whole situation, but instinctively he wanted to protect Ben. He knew how Dennis death had devastated Ben and how he’d struggled to cope with it. No matter how far he’d come recently, he knew that his anger would take over any rational thought. Once in that frame of mind Ben was like a hurricane, destined to devastate and not being concerned for collateral damage that would be swept up on the way. There was no way he could just stand by and let him self-destruct. “D’ya have any idea where they’ll be?” he asked Kathy, his voice panic stricken.

Kathy shook her head. “I think Ian was at the restaurant tonight but I don’t know.”

“Okay. Don’t worry I’ll find em. You go back the the house and wait there, in case they turn up. I’ll call you if I find them.” Callum asserted before he turned and ran as fast as he could. An inexplicable feeling told him to go to the Arches, he didn’t know why but he felt like that’s where Ben would be. He text Ryan on the way to cancel their plans. He probably should he felt guilty, but right now all he could focus on helping Ben, in whatever way he could.

******************************

As Callum neared The Arches, he knew he was in the right place. He arrived just in time to see Phil and Ben manhandling Ian through the door. Callum ran to try and get there before they locked themselves in. He just managed to push his was through just as Phil was trying to close the door. Ben had hold of Ian by the collar, pushing him up against the far wall. Ian was pleading with him to let him explain. All three were startled by Callum’s intrusion, all three showing different reactions. Phil’s face full of anger, Ian’s full of relief and Ben’s full of fear. All four traded looks at each other. Before the silence was broken by Ben.

“Get outta here Callum!” he yelled.

Callum shook his head, “I ain’t goin nowhere. You need to stop this!”

“If you know what’s good for you.

You’ll listen to im. You ain’t wanted or needed here!” Phil barked at Callum.

“Ben please! You don’t need to do this.” Callum completely ignored Phil’s threat. He solely focused on Ben.

Ben wavered a little at Callum’s plea, but then turned to face Ian again. “You don’t know what he’s done!”he shouted back. “He killed Dennis!”

Ian tried to speak, “Please just let me…”

“No!” Phil yelled. “You don’t get to speak… I’ve just had to listen to my boy beggin for help, cos you locked him in room on that boat. He couldn’t get out. It’s your fault he’s dead!”

Callum was horrified by what he heard and if it was true he understood Ben and Phil’s anger. However he also knew that their way of dealing with it wasn’t the right one for anyone in the long run. Least of all for Ben. “Ben, there are ways we can deal with this. This ain’t the way,” he pleaded.

Phil grabbed Callum and slammed him into the wall. “This ain’t got nothin to do with you! Now you better shut ya mouth before I shut it for ya!”

Ben couldn’t stand to see Phil threatening Callum. “Let him go Dad!” he yelled trying hard to maintain his hold of Ian, but his grip feeling weaker by the minute.

“I ain’t scared of you!” Callum snarled at Phil, before turning to Ben. “Don’t let him get inside your head Ben, I get your angry but you’re better than this.”

“Me get inside his head…It’s you that’s got inside his head. Made him soft, weak, some sort of poncy goody two shoes. He turned his back on his family for you and you don’t even give a monkeys about him. I’ve seen ya swanning about with ya new bloke. You don’t even care about him and he’s still fallin over himself to impress ya. It’s pathetic!”

“How dare you talk about him like that!” Callum roared at Phil, years of frustration at the way he’d treated Ben finally bubbling over. “He’s worth a million of you. And I do care about him more than you ever could. I see how strong, brave and amazing he is. Everything he’s been through in his life he’s come back fighting. He’s more of a man than you’ll ever be. If anyone round here is pathetic it’s you. How many people you got round here that care about you hey? Cos I can’t even count em on one finger. Ben’s got loads of people who’d fight to the death for him, who love him. That’s the real mark of a man in my book!”

“Who the hell d’ya think you are talkin to me like that! I’ll show you who’s a real man!” Phil raised his fist and was just about the throw a punch to Callum’s face, when Ben landed a blow of his own, striking Phil with a wrench to the back of the leg, sending him tumbling to the ground. Callum and Phil had been so engrossed in their argument they hadn’t seen Ben approach. Ian was also a quivering wreck on the floor.

“I’d run if I were you Ian!” Ben threatened. “Because next time I see you, you might not get so lucky!” He then made his was over to Callum, pulling him away from his Dad, who was writhing in agony on the floor. “I’m sorry Callum. You okay?” he cried, tears streaming down his face. Callum just nodded before taking Ben into his arms.

“Arrr!” Phil cried out in pain. Before looking at Ben and Callum. “Are you seriously tellin me you are goin to pick him over me again?” Phil boomed. “If you weren’t so wrapped up in tryin to save him the first time, maybe you’d a kept a better eye on Dennis. That’s the reason you lost your hearing, being so desperate to save him, fighting with that scum Taylor.” Phil was spitting poison obviously tryin to break Ben. “I even forgave ya for pullin a gun on me on his behalf, but I ain’t gonna forget this. You are dead to me!”

Ben finally snapped. “Good! I’m glad! Cos I don’t want a bar of ya. We ain’t family. I’m better than this, better than you!” Phil was shocked into silence, not expecting the strength from Ben. “Have a nice life Phil…Oh and good luck findin someone willin to help you up.” And with that he stormed out of The Arches closely followed by Callum. When he got outside the events of the evening finally caught up with him and collapsed in heap against the wall, sobbing uncontrollably. Callum sat next to him, grabbing hold of him and pulling him into his side.

“Come on don’t do this here, let’s get you home!” Callum said calmly, trying to comfort him.

Ben just shook his head. “I can’t face goin home, I can’t face the thought of seein my Mum or Bobby.”

“Come back to the flat with me. Stuart and Rainie are out…It’ll just be the two of us.” Callum suggested softly.

“Okay,” Ben whispered and with that Callum stood holding his hand out to Ben. Ben took his hand and allowed Callum to pull him up. Both were overcome with emotions, but there was still that same electricity jolting through them at each other’s touch. Callum let go quickly, once Ben was stable and moved to his side. They made the short walk to the flat in silence, both trying to hold themselves together in the wake of the all the evening’s revelations. Both trembling inside at the thought of all the things that they’d heard tonight. Both desperate to make each other feel safe and comfort each other. When they reached the flat Callum went to the kitchen and filled the kettle. Ben walked over to the sofa and slumped back into it. It felt so safe and familiar to be back there, in the place he considered home for so long. He took deep breaths, trying hard to compose himself and soothe the whirlwind swirling in his mind. It almost seemed like a bad dream, he couldn’t comprehend what had happened. It was like a dark mist had descended, he couldn’t quite remember things clearly. It had engulfed him for a little while, the rage taking over everything. Then the sunshine that was Callum appeared burning it away. Once again he’d manage to clear the fog and bring everything back into focus. He started to think about Dennis, how scared he must have been. He felt physically sick. Knowing he was so close when it happened, also left pangs of guilt stabbing at his heart. After hearing his voice he could just picture him, scared and desperately trying to get out. He buried his face into his hands, rubbing his knuckles tightly into his eyes, trying to erase the images. Before long his emotions got the better of him and he broke. Loud sobs escaping him as tears cascaded down his cheeks. Callum immediately ran over abandoning the hot drinks he was making and wrapped his arms around Ben. “It’s gonna be alright…I’m here,” he whispered and he began to run his fingers through Ben’s hair to soothe him. A tear escaped his eye too. Seeing Ben in so much distress broke his heart. They stayed like that for a while. Both just taking comfort from being in each other’s arms. Eventually Ben calmed and began to stop crying. He still didn’t break away from Callum, wanting to be in his safe place as long as possible.

After a while Callum shuffled and pulled up, walking over the the kitchen and finished making the cup of tea he had started earlier. He brought it over the Ben and handed it to him. Smiling softly as he did.

“Thanks,” Ben sniffed, trying to rid himself of his last few tears. He took a swig of the tea and instantly screwed his face up. “Oh my God Callum, I know you’ve got a sweet tooth, but seriously how many sugars are in that? Talk about a dentist’s wet dream..bet yours loves you!”

Callum chuckled and shook his head, before looking at Ben with a more serious face. “You’ve had a shock Ben, thought you might need it. Sweet tea is supposed to be good for it innit?” Ben shrugged then nodded. “You wanna talk about what happened.?” Callum asked cautiously, not wanting to push Ben.

“You were there for most of it.” Ben took a deep breath, before telling Callum exactly what had happened before he’d arrived. The whole story of what had happened with his Dad, Ian and Dennis. Callum just listened, wanting to let Ben get it all out. “You know me once those demons get hold, lost all rational thought. Just couldn’t stop thinking about how scared he must have been. He was just a kid Callum,” he rubbed his head again before continuing, “he didn’t deserve that. And the thought of Ian playin the hero…making out he tried to save him, knowin what he’d done. I could kill im. Might well a done if you hadn’t showed up.” Ben’s head dropped with the realisation of what could have happened.

Callum shook his head, “You wouldn’t. You might have hurt I’m..not sure I’d have completely blamed you,” Callum conceded, knowing what Ian had done was horrendous. “But you couldn’t have killed him. I know that.”

“Still got some sort of blind faith in me ain’t ya. How can you still see the good in me…after everythin…after what you just saw?” Ben half expected Callum to completely wash his hands with him after what he’d witnessed tonight.

“Cos I know you,” he paused and looked at Ben. “And I saw a bloke who was hurtin and being pushed. One who showed strength in standing up to his Dad, one who chose to his own man and not the one he thought he was expected to be,” Ben lifted his eyes towards Callum, humbled at how he could still speak so fondly of him. Callum cleared his throat before he continued, “ Thanks, by the way, for erm steppin in to stop him batterin me.”

Ben held his gaze, “I’d never let anyone hurt ya Cal. Never.”

Callum’s heart began to pound hard and he felt like he was trembling. His eyes never left Ben’s. Knowing that Ben had chosen to protect him over his Dad had sent his mind into a spin. For the first time in a long while he saw how important he was to Ben. It felt so good, threatening to knock down one of those walls he’d attempted to build to keep Ben out. Then he thought about what Phil had said earlier, it raised questions. Once he needed answers to. “What your Dad said about the boat crash…”

Ben knew what he was referring to and cut him off quickly. “It weren’t your fault, my hearin. I’ve never blamed you. I’m the one who put you in danger.”

Callum let out a deep breath, he didn’t know he was holding in. He would have been devastated to think Ben had resented him in some way, so he was relieved that he didn’t. Callum was still confused. “And what he said about Dennis, it weren’t you’re fault. You couldn’t have known,” Callum reassured him. “He said you pulled a gun on him…to save me…what did he mean?” he asked.

Ben gulped, they’d never talked about this before. When he’d found Callum and he came back to him, the focus had shifted to his hearing loss and of course Dennis death. It was almost like they glossed over what happened with Keanu, trying to put it behind them, move forward and overcome their new difficulties. Ben knew now was the right time. “I was frantic that week, runnin round like a lunatic, tryin to get the money together, anythin to get you back. I even held Sharon at gun point…”

“Ben!” Callum exclaimed in shock.

“I was desperate Callum, again not my finest move…but I’d have done anythin to bring you home safe.” He stared at Callum intently as he spoke wanting to convey the feeling behind his words. “Anyway on the boat Dad had a gun pointed at Keanu and he was the only one who knew where you were…so I pulled one on him. Told him to let him go. He was all ‘you ain’t gonna shoot me’ and I told him…for you I would…Then he let Keanu go and we fought and we went over the side. That’s when I bashed my head.”

Callum looked down. “Ben I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“No!” Ben ordered. He pulled Callum’s face up to meet his again. “Don’t you dare feel bad. I don’t blame you. If it meant you were safe I’d lose my hearin, my eyesight, my legs, my arms…a hundred times over. You mean the world to me Cal” Ben noticed a tear roll over Callum’s cheek and he used his thumb to wipe it away. Callum started intently into a Ben’s eyes overwhelmed by the feelings he had for him. His heart was racing and his hands trembling. Moving closer to Ben, he wanted to be near him. For a split second he leaned in, wanting to kiss him but then he was snapped out of his thoughts by his phone buzzing in his pocket. He pulled back instantly, breaking the moment and took out the phone. A profuse sense of guilt washing over him when he saw a message with Ryan’s name flash up on the screen.

**_Hey, is everything okay? You’ve got me a bit worried xx_ **

****

Callum’s heart sank. “It’s Ryan,” he mumbled to Ben. The moment they had just shared gone in an instant. “I’d better text him back.” Ben nodded. Callum typed a quick reply.

**_Hi. So sorry about tonight. Bit of an emergency with a mate, but it’s sorted now so don’t worry. Can’t talk now but call you tomorrow xxx_ **

****

“Sorry,” Callum said turning to look at Ben again.

“It’s fine.” Ben was disheartened by the interruption. For a moment him and Callum had been back in a familiar bubble, just the two of them, close to being how they were. Ryan’s messaged had popped it and now he felt like they were separate again.

“What you gonna do now? Bout ya Dad, Ian, everythin?” Callum asked, trying to regain control over the situation and quell his own feelings.

“Don’t know, everythin’s so messed up. I mean I’m done with Dad. He can find someone else to come help him up. Ian,” he huffed, distain for the man clear on his face. “Well looks like I need to find somewhere else to live. Can’t live under his roof, even if he ain’t there. Don’t want nothin from him. Sure Sharon will want him sortin,” he looked up Callum who looked panicked, “Not by me though. Don’t worry. But he can’t get away with what he’s done.” His mind instantly went back to thinkin of Dennis. Once again his voice replayed in his mind and pictured his face. Tears again began to roll again.

Callum placed a hand on his knee, a bit more wary of being to close this time. “Why don’t you stay here tonight yeh? Give you some time to sort ya head out. You can have the bed, I can sleep on the sofa. That way Stuart won’t kick off if he comes back and finds you here.”

Ben still couldn’t belong Callum was being do kind to him. He was overloaded with a sense of gratitude, but he needed more tonight. “Can you not stay with me?” Ben asked. “Please…no funny business I promise…I just don’t wanna be alone tonight.” Ben pleaded.

Callum was conflicted, the voice in his head telling him it was a bad idea and it was better for everyone for him to keep away. But looking at Ben seeing how broken he was, knowing he needed him, his heart was screaming at him to stay with him. He felt this overbearing need to take care of him, protect him and keep him safe. This was a battle in the ongoing war, in which only his heart could win. Callum nodded, whispering “Okay,” he cleared his throat trying to mask some of the emotion that threatened to creep into his voice. “Come on I’ll get you somethin to sleep in, then you can get changed.” He gestured for Ben to follow him towards the bedroom. Ben felt a little surprised he agreed, but was relieved he didn’t have to be alone. He followed Callum into the room and watched as he found a t-shirt and jogging shorts for him to sleep in. Callum grabbed his own things and turned to leave the room. “I’ll just go and change in the bathroom and let you get ready in peace,” he said closing the door behind him. Simultaneously they both let out a huge breath. Both feeling nervous at the prospect of sharing a bed together. Callum headed to the bathroom to get changed, telling himself it would be okay and that he was just being a friend. There was nothing more to it. Taking his time, he made sure he changed slowly. All the time, trying hard to compose himself and control the pounding of his heart in his chest. He also used the opportunity to text Kathy and let her know Ben and Ian were safe. When he returned Ben was changed and sitting on the bed. “There’s a spare toothbrush in the cupboard if you need one.” Callum suggested and Ben nodded and made his own way to the bathroom. Ben also used the time to compose himself and control his eager heart. While brushing his teeth, he reminded himself that Callum was just being a good friend and it was no different to when he stayed at Jay’s. Finally, he headed back to the bedroom. Callum was laying on top of covers on his usual side of the bed. Ben understood what he was doing, creating a physical barrier between them. Callum felt that he needed to as the metaphorical ones he’d created were slowly being removed piece by piece. Ben slid under the covers without saying anything. Callum lay on his back not looking towards Ben. He dared not, his nerves were already shot and looking at Ben, in his bed next to him could easily send his heart rate through the roof.

Ben mirrored his position fearing the same thing. “Thanks for tonight…I em really appreciate you bein there for me,” he murmured with barely more than a whisper.

Callum briefly glanced towards him and nodded, before turning away. “It’s alright. What are mates for?” he wasn’t sure who he was trying to remind of their relationship status more. “Try and get some sleep yeh.” Ben just nodded and turned onto his side facing away from Callum. He buried his head in the pillow and wrapped the duvet tightly around him. He breathed deeply trying to inhale as much of Callum’s scent as he could. He stayed like that for what felt like hours, he was too on edge to settle to sleep yet. Knowing Callum was so close was almost too much to bear. Callum was feeling the exact same way next to him, afraid to move in case he accidentally touched him. Desperately trying to control the thud of his heart. Tonight’s revelations whirling through his mind, creating a rapid river that he was unable to keep afloat in. Finally starting to accept how much he did mean to Ben and not knowing what this meant for them. Eventually both men succumbed to exhaustion, both feeling emotionally drained from the night. Hoping that once the storm had settled tomorrow, things would be clearer.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Callum try and deal with their feelings after the events of the previous night. Christmas comes to Walford and a surprise revelation leaves Callum reeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again I just want to say thank you so much for those of you left kudos or commented on the last chapter. Knowing so many people are enjoying the story really does mean a lot to me and inspires me to keep going. I honestly can’t thank you enough. 
> 
> Just a reminder it’s set about a year in the future. Ben has had his operation and it was successful in restoring most of his hearing. Jay knows about Peter and Lola and they are working on fixing their relationship. I have very limited understanding of hearing loss and cochlear implants so I apologise in advance if there are inaccuracies with this.
> 
> All mistakes are mine, I do proof read but may have missed the odd error.
> 
> Hope you continue to enjoy where the story goes :-)

Callum woke up the following morning feeling an overwhelming sense of peace. He felt the comforting weight of an arm and leg resting over his body. Breathing in deeply he inhaled the familiar scent, the one that made him feel like home. Opening his eyes, he couldn’t deny the happiness he felt when he looked down and saw Ben sleeping peacefully next to him. He watched him for a few seconds, in awe at how beautiful he was. When he allowed his mind to fully awaken from its sleepy haze, a solemn realisation hit him. “Shit!” he thought to himself. He’d somehow ended up under the covers and cuddled to Ben. He knew this wasn’t supposed to happen and tried to reason with himself how it had. It was late November now and the nights had become bitterly cold. Trying to think logically, he realised he must have gotten cold and just automatically sort out the warmth and comfort of the duvet and Ben. However he couldn’t escape the beating of his heart, playing the same old rhythm Ben Ben…Ben Ben..Ben Ben. It was almost as if he subconsciously sort him out, his body craving to be near him. Like their bodies and souls were always destined to be together. He couldn’t ignore the fact that when he woke, before his brain kicked into overdrive, it felt like the most natural thing in the world to have Ben in his arms. Callum decided not to move, telling himself Ben needed sleep and he didn’t want to disturb him. It had nothing to do with the fact he wanted to make this moment last as long as possible.

Ben woke slowly to what had surprisingly been one of the best nights sleep he’d had in a while. Immediately, he was engulfed by a well known fragrance, one so unique, so invigorating that it instantly brought him to life. He felt that usual warmth that went along with the aroma was also there and he realised a hand and leg were resting on Callum. Keeping his eyes closed for several minutes, he was determined to make this moment last as long as possible. He knew as soon as he moved it would be over and he knew he may not have this again. Eventually Ben felt Callum shuffle, reaching to turn off his alarm and their bubble was once as him popped.

Ben looked up and Callum signed _Sorry._ He just smiled and replied “It’s okay,” before moving over and reconnecting his receiver for his implant. “Morning,” he said clearing his throat.

“Morning,” Callum replied with a soft smile, which almost made Ben’s heart burst.

“Sorry about lyin all over you.” Ben apologised, “Guess old habits die hard.”

“It’s okay,” Callum mumbled looking slightly embarrassed. “How you doin today?”

Ben just shrugged, “Don’t really know. Don’t think I’ve got my head round it all...s’pose I should go home and speak to mum. See if she knows what’s happenin with Ian.”

“Might be a good place to start,” Callum agreed. “You’re mum was really worried last night!”

“Ah so that’s how you knew…” Ben had wondered how Callum had found out about things. “Thought it was a bit odd how you just showed up outta nowhere.” Callum looked unsure, like Ben could be annoyed about him getting involved. Ben instantly saw this and reassured him. “I’m grateful you did, by the way.” Callum just nodded and smiled. Both men felt an air of tension. They both had so much they wanted to say to each other but didn’t know where to start. Both sighed as they realised now was not the right time. “Anyway...” Ben continued, “I need to get back before the battery runs out on this. Got a spare one at home.”

Callum moved off to get up off the bed. “I’ll just go and make a cuppa…let you get changed in peace.”

Ben pulled his arm before he could move. “Thank you…for bein there last night, lettin me stay..for everythin…means a lot.”

Callum looked at the connection between Ben’s hand and his arm. He then looked directly into his eyes, “You don’t need to thank me…I’ll always be there for you Ben.” The air amongst them was charged again, the electricity that flowed between them causing both of their hearts pound frantically.

“Callum!” The moment was once again broken, this time by Stuart calling from the lounge.

“I’d better…” he conceded before heading out the door. Ben just let out a huge breath, as he fell back on the bed. So many things were swirling round his head, he was so confused about everything. One thing he wasn’t confused about, was how much he was still in love with Callum. And after last night he had renewed hope he felt the same. He got dressed and was just about the head out into the lounge, when he heard Stuart booming at Callum.

“What are you playing at Bruv? How can you let him worm his way back in?”

“It ain’t like that Stu,” Callum tried to protest. “He just needed a mate.”

“Oh right and that just had to be you did it?” Stuart moaned. “Look Callum, things have been goin so well for you lately. Ryan is great and you seem happy with him. You can’t let him spoil things.”

Callum really didn’t want to get into an argument with Stuart right now. He hadn’t had time think about what was happening between him and Ben and he wasn’t prepared to discuss it with Stuart. “Nothin is goin on, we’re just mates. I swear. I’m still with Ryan.”

“Good. Cos he’s a good bloke Callum. Don’t give Mitchell the opportunity to wreck something else good in ya life. You deserve better.”

Hearing those words ripped Ben apart. Stuart was right, he did have a habit of messing things up for Callum. He took Callum’s response at face value, not realising why he’d said what he’d said. The brief glimmer of hope he had soon faded away. At the end of the day Ryan made Callum happy and he’d promised not to get in the way of that. He was damned if he would break another one of those to Callum.

“Calm down Baldie!” he sniped at Stuart as he walked from the bedroom into the kitchen. “I ain’t out to ruin anythin. We’re just mates nothin more. I ain’t looking for anythin else from him.” Ben’s tried to keep his face still, not wanting to give away the actual ache in his heart. Part of what he said was true, he really didn’t want to ruin anything for Callum and if friendship was all could get then he would take it, even if he did long for more.

“Yeh well I don’t trust you. It wouldn’t be the first time you…” Stuart was halted by Rainie’s voice booming up the stairs.

“Callum! Look who I found loiterin round outside,” she said as she appeared at the top of the stairs. Her face was horrified when she realised Ben was there, as Ryan followed her into the room.

“Ryan! … Hi…” Callum stumbled over his words. “What you doin here?”

“Well I was worried about you after last night…Wanted to make sure you were okay,” Ryan’s eyebrows furrowed as he spotted Ben in the room. He instantly recognised him from their conversation in the Vic. His heart sank a little. “Am interrupting something?” he asked sounding very concerned as to what he walked in on.

Callum was caught completely off guard. He hadn’t expected to see Ryan, he saw the fear in his wyes and felt terribly guilty. “It ain’t what it looks like…” he started to say before he was quickly cut off by Ben.

“Ryan right,” he said as he stepped forward with his hand held out to shake it. “I’m Ben.” Ryan reluctantly shook his hand, looking at him warily. “Look sorry about ruinin your plans last night. Got into a bit of pickle and Callum came to my rescue. Let me crash on the couch.” Callum just stared at Ben, it still scared him how easily he could lie. Even though he knew he was trying to help him out. Stuart was also glaring at Ben, almost threatening him. Ben looked straight into his eyes. “Nearly gave you a right fright when you found me there this morning… didn’t I Stuie?” Ben knew he hated that name and couldn’t miss an opportunity to wind him up. He raised an eyebrow at him imploring him to play along.

“Yeh,” Stuart laughed awkwardly. “Nearly took his head off!” he smirked at Ben.

“Right well don’t wanna take up anymore of ya time. Thanks again Callum.” He turned so only he could see him and gave him an intense look and fake smile. Trying to convey with him that it was all okay.

Callum just looked at him confused, he was completely baffled by what just happened, unsure of Ben’s motives. “No problem,” was all he could get out.

Ben headed out of the flat as quickly as he could, ducking into the parlour on his way out. He collapsed on the floor slumped against the wall and the tears began to flow. He was angry at himself for having hope things would work out, that Callum might still love him. He told himself it had to stop and he had to let go. He just wished he knew how. Once he calmed himself down he was just about to leave and headed towards the door. He was met with Stuart and Rainie who were just leaving the flat.

“What are you doin in here?” Stuart asked jumping backwards in surprise.

“Sorry just needed a minute. Don’t worry I’m goin?” he asserted.

Stuart could see that Ben had been crying. He felt a pang of sympathy for him. “You go on I’ll catch you up on a minute,” Stuart told Rainie. She gave Ben an evil glare before barging out the door. “Thanks for not stirrin it with Callum and Ryan.” Stuart muttered quietly.

Ben rolled his lips and nodded before replying, “Yeh well…Like I said before, I wouldn’t do anythin to hurt him. I want him to be happy.” With that he turned and left, not being able to bear speaking about it anymore. As Stuart watched him walk away, it hit him how much Ben did actually care for Callum.

******************************

Stuart and Rainie had left Callum and Ryan alone in the flat to talk. As laid back as Ryan was, he wasn’t particularly happy that Callum had cancelled on him to be with Ben. Especially as Callum couldn’t be completely honest about what the problem was. He’d settled for a half truth, that Ben had had an argument with his family and was in a state, so Callum talked him through it and let him stay at his. After Ben and Stuart has lied about where Ben slept, Callum felt compelled to go along with it. Even though he hated being dishonest with Ryan, he saw that it had placated him a little. Callum’s head was in a complete spin, he’d really wished he had more time to think about what he wanted before Ryan had shown up. Seeing Ryan upset, made him feel guilty. He did care for him and the last thing he would want to do was hurt him. “I don’t what else to say. I am sorry if I’ve upset you, but he needed me.”

“And what…I’m just supposed to be okay with being ditched for your ex boyfriend?” Ryan huffed

“He’s just my mate now… You said you were okay with it. I hoped you’d understand.” Callum hadn’t really considered Ryan’s feelings at all in this if he was completely honest. All he thought about was taking care of Ben and making sure he was safe. Everything else had gone out of his mind. It was only know seeing how upset Ryan was that he felt guilty. “What would you have done, if your mate needed you? Would you have just left them?” he tried to reason with him.

“I don’t know Callum…probably not,” he conceded. “I get you’re a good guy and you want to be a good mate but…maybe you need to think about if that’s all it is.” Ryan’s head slumped. Callum didn’t know what to say, he wasn’t sure what he felt at that moment and didn’t want to tell another untruth. Ryan gave him a reprieve. “Look perhaps we should talk later. I’m supposed to be meeting a friend for lunch and I need time to get my head round all this.”

“Okay,” Callum agreed, a little relieved that maybe he’d have sometime to think about everything. “Shall I call you later?” Ryan took a deep breath and nodded. He leant up to give Callum a quick peck on the cheek and made his way out of the flat. Callum just collapsed onto the sofa, with his head in his hands. His mind was in utter turmoil. Spending last night with Ben had stirred up so many feelings in Callum. Ones he’d tried to bury for so long. Seeing him chose him over his Dad had made him realise how important he was to Ben. Waking up with him had felt like the most natural thing in the world, he’d felt at peace. Stuart being angry had brought him back down to earth. He knew he was right, Ryan was a good guy and he was content being with him, but it was always different with Ben. Then again Ben had insisted they were just friends and lied to Ryan to help him out. Callum wasn’t sure why he’d done that. He had to see Ben, maybe then he would know what the right thing to do was.

Throwing some clothes on, he quickly headed out of the flat and over the the Beale house. He was just about to knock, when he hesitated. Maybe this wasn’t a good time, the family were going through enough at the moment, maybe he should just leave them to it. Just as he was turning to walk away, he heard the door open.

“Callum!” he heard a voice call from behind him. He turned to see Kathy standing there.

“Erm sorry…didn’t want to intrude…I just came to see if you were all okay,” he mumbled.

“It’s all a bit of a mess to be honest love,” she sighed. “I dunno what we’re gonna do…Thank you though, from what I hear if wasn’t for you things could have been a lot worse last night.” With that she stepped towards him and pulled him into a hug.

“Don’t worry. It’s fine.” Callum whispered.

She pulled away and touched his face lightly. “Ben’s in there if you want to talk to him. I have to go and sort some stuff for Ian. I’ll see ya later love.” She walked out of the back gate quickly. Callum was in two minds as to whether to go in or just follow her, but he knew there was really only one option. He walked through the door straight through the kitchen into the lounge. As he stepped in he was met with Ben, coming down the stairs in just his dressing gown, which was open exposing him in just his boxer shorts. His eyes immediately went to his torso, his heart skipped a beat. Ben was always gorgeous but obviously with his new lifestyle he’d become slightly more toned. Callum’s pupils dilated as he took in the sight before him. There was no denying his body definitely had a physical reaction to seeing Ben like this.

Ben was shocked to see Callum there, immediately pulling his gown together and tying it, not wanting things to be awkward. “Sorry, didn’t know we had visitors…was just gonna jump in the shower needed a clean towel,”

Ben’s words shook Callum out of his thoughts. He looked at him shyly, “Just wanted to check you were okay.” He mumbled.

“Not really, things are a bit… awkward. Mum of course is trying to defend Ian as usual. Apparently he’s done the right thing and gone to the police. Although I suspect that’s more do with saving his neck from Phil. But Mum thinks that means he’s sorry and we should try and forgive him.” Ben shook his head as puffed air from his mouth. “So looks like me and my family need to find a new home. There’s no way we’re stayin here.”

“I’m sorry Ben.” Callum sighed.

“It’s alright. You know me, can’t keep me down for long. We’ll find somewhere. Not sure how Lo’s gonna take the news, but sure she’ll get it.” Callum just looked at him full of sympathy and nodded. He saw how vulnerable Ben was feeling, even though he was trying to hide it. It was at that moment he realised what Ben needed now, more than ever, was for him to be his friend. Ben saw how Callum was looking at him and hated anyone looking at him like that. He instantly changed the subject. “Did you manage to smooth things over with Loverboy?” he asked.

“Erm..kind of. He weren’t best pleased I’d cancelled on him. He needed time to think so I said I’d call him later. Not really comfortable with lyin to him, but you and Stu didn’t really give me much choice.” Callum hadn’t meant for it to come out sounding so harsh, he saw a Ben’s reaction and felt bad. “I’m not having a go. I know you were only tryin to help.”

“Yeh well, you’re a good mate. Mates look out for each other. I think I’ve screwed up enough in your life don’t you. Don’t let me wreck this for ya as well. He’s a good guy, you deserve to be happy…Don’t let me get in the way of that.” Ben tried to sound genuine, even though inside it crushed him knowing he wasn’t the one to make Callum happy. He smiled softly at Callum.

Callum took this as a clear sign that Ben wanted them to stay friends. It was clear he wanted him to make a go of things with Ryan. He just nodded and smiled. “I better go,” Callum finally declared. “You know where I am if you need me.”

“Thanks,” Ben smiled. “See ya later Callum.” With that he turned and headed upstairs to his room as Callum headed out of the back door. As both doors closed both men slumped against them, tears filling their eyes. Both men desperately wishing things were different. Both thinking that last night they’d just been so caught up in the moment, feeling nostalgic about what they had. Both thinking each other wanted to move on. Both feeling like they had to let the other go. As Callum walked away he took out his phone to message Ryan. Like Ben said he needed to focus on fixing things with him.

****

**_Ryan, I’m so sorry about last night. Can I buy you dinner tonight to make it up for it? Please. I want this to work xxx_ **

****

He decided he needed to focus on both being a good friend to Ben and a good boyfriend to Ryan. Hopefully he could do both.

*************************

The next few weeks seemed to fly by like a blizzard. One that had brought the arrival of Christmas. The square was overtaken by the usual huge Christmas tree in its centre. All the shops and businesses were all decorated brightly, attempting to spread Christmas cheer. It was the time of year that supposedly brought everyone together, spreading love and joy. Ben had very mixed feelings about it all. Of course Lexi made Christmas magical and her excitement for it was infectious, making Ben’s heart melt. This year however his family was even more fractured than usual. After learning the truth about Ian, Lola agreed they should get their own place to live. She could no longer bear the thought of staying under Ian’s roof after what he’d done either. They’d decided to find a home where they could establish a solid foundation for their own family. Jay decided to move in with them too and this solidified things even further. Obviously this had lead to a mad rush to find a place and move in before Christmas. Luckily a three bedroom flat had come up for rent on George Street. It was a tight but they’d managed to get in two weeks before Christmas. Kathy was disappointed they’d left, but she’d understood. Ian had been forced to move back there and was currently under investigation for his role in Dennis’s Death. Kathy felt like she had to stay and support him and Bobby. Her and Ben had eventually come to an understanding. Ben accepting she couldn’t chose between her two sons and Kathy accepting that Ben couldn’t forgive Ian. They’d agreed not to discuss him and to try not to let it affect their relationship. His relationship with Phil was dead. After Ian and had been arrested, he’d gone to stay in Portugal with Louise for a while. Ben was glad, his life was better now he was no longer part of it. His relationship with Callum was still one Ben found tricky. After the night they’d spent together, Ben’s heart was shattered when he realised that friendship was the only option. Although he found it difficult, he’d tried hard to build on the foundations laid and continued to see Callum with Lexi or Lola and Jay. Being so busy in the past few weeks, meant he hadn’t seen him as often. It didn’t mean that he’d stopped thinking about him or wishing things could be different.

A few days before Christmas, him and Lola were busy wrapping presents. Chatting about the plans they had for the day and wondering if they’d gone overboard with presents for Lexi. While placing some things under the tree, he spotted a box with Callum’s name on it. The label had a colourful drawing of Santa on and he knew it was from Lexi.

“What’s this?” he asked Lola who was busy wrapping.

“Oh that’s from Lexi. It’s a photo you took on that day out you had. You know the one of the two of them?” Lola asked. Ben knew exactly which one she meant, he’d taken it of the two of them whilst they were having there picnic. He’d looked at it thousands of times on his phone. It had become one of his favourites. The two people he loved most in the world. He’d almost forgotten he’d sent it to Lola. “Lexi thought he needed a photo of her in his flat. She chose a frame and everythin…That reminds me,” Lola continued interrupting his thoughts, “I’ve gotta take it round for him tomorrow mornin.”

“Tomorrow?” Ben asked a little confused. “It ain’t Christmas for three days.”

“Yeh I know but he’s working Christmas Day. So he’s havin a Christmas thing with Ryan tomorrow, then him Stuart and Rainie are having their Christmas Day on Christmas Eve. They’re doin presents and that then.”

“Oh right,” Ben mumbled. He suddenly thought about a gift he had for Callum. One he’d intended to give him for their anniversary. Only they hadn’t made it there this year. He was torn as to whether to give it him or not, he didn’t want to cause him trouble with Ryan. He also didn’t know if it was appropriate to give him a present now. Wrapping up some other presents he couldn’t help think about what to do. After debating in his own mind for a while, he realised how much Callum would love the present he’d got for him. He knew he should have it, he wanted him to. “Would you mind taking one over from me?” he asked quietly.

“Sure…” Lola replied in a confused tone. “But why don’t you just give it to him yaself?”

“Probably for the best that I don’t make a big deal of giving presents. Might not sit well with the new boyfriend…Plus you know him he’ll feel bad if he ain’t got me anythin.” Ben really didn’t want to make things awkward, anymore than they already were.

“Okay,” Lola said and want back to wrapping. “Just sort it out and put it with Lex’s and I’ll drop it over.” Ben went to his room and pulled out a box, before bringing into the lounge and wrapping it. Writing a simple - _To Callum, Merry Christmas, Ben x –_ on the label. He smiled to himself, knowing that Callum would finally have the gift he’d kept for him for months.

*****************************

Callum loved the build up to Christmas normally, but this year was different. For one he was working four early shifts in a row, starting Christmas Day. He didn’t mind really, he had no children like some of the others and he knew that it was more important for them to have the time off. The fact that he wasn’t going to spend it with Lexi and Ben made him feel a little downhearted. He’d loved being part of their family last Christmas. It was his first ever proper family Christmas. It had been special and he couldn’t help feel regret that he could no longer be part of it. Since that night with Ben, he found it harder to stop thinking of him, wishing things could be different. Although they’d managed to maintain their friendship, it had become more difficult. The things they’d shared that night weighing heavy on his mind. He just hoped eventually these feelings would become less and they could carry on with their new found friendship. The idea of having an early Christmas with Stuart and Rainie made him feel a little happier. He really appreciated the effort they’d put in for him and he felt like he would have a family Christmas on some level. Although he thought he should be excited for his first Christmas with Ryan, his main feeling was one of apprehension. Things had got back on track since their little falling out over Ben. They’d continue to spend time together and Callum couldn’t deny he enjoyed it. He cared about Ryan a lot and liked being with him. It was easy and fun, but sharing their first Christmas together worried Callum a bit. He wasn’t sure whether he’d got the right present, if he’d spent enough or too much. Ryan was off over Christmas so he was going home to his parents for a few days and Callum couldn’t help feel a little relieved. They’d agreed to have a little meal and swap presents on the day before Christmas Eve. Telling himself to get over it, he tried hard to not let his mind start running away with itself. He should enjoy being with him and having someone in his life to do this for.

Before heading to Ryan’s flat he arranged for Lola pop in to swap presents. He’d got a few things for Lexi and decided on getting Ben, Lola and Jay a joint gift for their new flat. He thought that might be the best thing to do, to let them know he still saw them all as family. A way to still give Ben a present without blurring the lines of their friendship. He handed Lola the bag and explained what was in it. “Thought it might be easier to get you a joint thing,” he said a little sheepishly.

“Cheapskate,” she huffed but then laughed to reassure him it was fine. “There’s one for you from Lexi, Ben and me and Jay.” Callum was taken back by the fact that Ben had got him a present. He took the bag and placed it under the tree. Feeling a little bad that he hadn’t got him an individual gift.

“Feel a bit bad now. I didn’t know what the right thing to do was…with Ben” he looked down as he spoke.

“Oh don’t worry, he wasn’t expecting anythin.” Lola tried to reassure him.

“I know but he’s obviously tryin to make an effort to be friends and…I just don’t want him to think I don’t care.” Callum admitted.

“He knows you care. You were there for him when he needed you the most.” Lola put a hand on his shoulder to get him to look at her. “And that will mean more to him than a present.” She then pulled Callum in for a hug. “Don’t feel bad. Go and enjoy your day with you’re man. Maybe we can meet him in the new year.” Callum nodded as she pulled away and with that they walked out of the flat together. Callum was feeling even more anxious about going to Ryan’s but trying to push it to the back of his mind.

When he arrived at Ryan’s, Ryan greeted him with a massive kiss. He was clearly excited about sharing his first Christmas with Callum. They’d planned to eat first then exchange presents. Callum wasn’t going to stay as he’d agreed to have a full day with Stuart and Rainie tomorrow and Ryan was leaving early to head back home. Ryan had prepared a lovely meal and even had for crackers for then to pull, snapping a selfie of them in their ridiculous hats. Callum had enjoyed it and loved the fact that Ryan had put so much effort in for him. After dinner they sat on the sofa to exchange gifts. Callum was determined to go first, his anxiety threatening to kill him if he didn’t get it out the way. He had bought Ryan a shirt and tie set, he thought would look good on him, as well as copy of the DVD of the film they’d watched on their second official date.

Ryan smiled widely as he opened them. “Thanks Darling. They’re brilliant. I love the DVD, will always have fond memories of that film.” He leaned in and gave Callum a chaste kiss to show his appreciation. Then he passed Callum his present. It was a small envelope and Callum opened it excitedly.

“Tickets to see West Ham! That’s brilliant. Thank you.” Callum leaned in and kissed Ryan and smiled warmly at him. It was a great present.

“I got two tickets. I’d even be willing to come with you, if you want.” Ryan raised his eyebrows.

“Well maybe I could use it as an opportunity to educate you eh?” Callum chuckled.

Ryan laughed back, “I never thought I’d see the day where I’d happily agree to watch West Ham play. Must be love eh?” Ryan’s face dropped a little when he realised what he’d said. Callum just froze, he faked a smile hoping he could ignore it. Hoping Ryan hadn’t meant it. Ryan looked at him and forced a smile. “God…I’m gonna have to work on how I just let my mouth run away with me eh…but I meant it…I love you Callum.” Callum had to fight to keep the smile on his face. All he felt was panic, he was at a loss for words. He knew he couldn’t respond. Hearing Ryan say those words should feel special, he should be happy, excited but he felt nothing but fear. There was a few seconds of awkward silence before Ryan spoke again. “You don’t have to say it back…but I want you to know.” He looked at Callum with genuine affection.

“Err…Wow… You’ve taken me by surprise. Thank you. You know I really care about you…it’s just not a word I use lightly and I want it to be the right time.” He knew it wasn’t the response Ryan would want and it was a little pathetic, but he couldn’t think of what else to do. He could see Ryan was a little disappointed so tried to distract him with a passionate kiss. It seemed to work and Ryan responded. Things soon turn heated and they didn’t even make it to the bedroom. Callum hoped that a physical connection would ignite something in him, make him feel something, anything. He’d hoped it would feel like making love, but it was just sex, purely physical. While Ryan lay there smiling in the afterglow, Callum just felt empty. After lying the in silence for while, Callum noted it was time to go. Him and Ryan got dressed and said their goodbyes. Callum was thankful Ryan didn’t repeat his declaration from earlier, just wishing him a Merry Christmas and kissing him tenderly.

By the time Callum got home, his head was throbbing. He hadn’t been able to think straight all the way home. What Ryan said had completely blindsided him. He knew they were getting on well and always had fun. But love, the thought hadn’t even entered Callum’s head. He wondered if it should have and why Ryan telling him that hadn’t made him feel happy in the slightest. A million questions filled his mind. Was it too soon? Was it just because it has caught him off guard? Was it that he was not used to having someone say it to him first? What was wrong with him? He climbed into bed and tried hard to settle, eventually falling into a fitful sleep. There was only one face vivid in his dreams that night. Sparkling blue eyes, reeling him in with that cocky grin he always wore. On a night when all he should be thinking about was his brilliant boyfriend, there was only one man he couldn’t get out of his mind. Ben.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Callum receives a special Christmas gift from Ben. A chat with Ben and Stuart leaves him with food thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again I just want to say a massive thank you to those whose left kudos or comments on the last chapter. It really does mean a lot and makes me more determined to keep going with this story. We’re nearly at the end of it now so knowing you’re still enjoying it really inspires me to see it through. 
> 
> Just a reminder it’s set about a year in the future. Ben has had his operation and it was successful in restoring most of his hearing. Jay knows about Peter and Lola and they are working on fixing their relationship. I have very limited understanding of hearing loss and cochlear implants so I apologise in advance if there are inaccuracies with this.
> 
> Any mistakes are mine. I do proof read but may have missed the odd error. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy the next instalment :-)

Christmas hadn’t always been the best of times for Callum. Most of his childhood memories consisted of his Dad using it as an excuse to get drunk. Occasionally he’d get a cheap present from him, usually it wouldn’t make it to new year. Quite often it would get broken deliberately as some sort of punishment. Most of the time Callum didn’t know what for, maybe just him breathing was enough. Stuart took the brunt of it when he was there, but there were times that he was alone. The only glimmer of light came from his Grandad. He always made sure Callum had a present from him, ensuring that he gave it to him when his Dad wasn’t there. That way it couldn’t get ripped away from him. He’d kept a lot of them in a box hidden under his bed and often looked at them to remind him that he was loved.

In recent years Christmas had improved in a way. When he was in the army he was often posted away. The lads had often created their own family atmosphere and did their best to celebrate the day together. Callum did enjoy these times, but he was still lonely, hiding his true self away from the world. This made it hard to fully enjoy it. His first Christmas in Walford he’d had Christmas with the Carters and Whitney. It was difficult because of the tension between them and Stuart, but for the first time he felt like he was part of a real family Christmas. He loved it in many ways, but again he was never completely happy as he was still hiding. The next Christmas was one of the worst he’d had. He had so much hope and promise for that Christmas. His first being his true self for the first time. finally finding real love. Of course that had been utterly destroyed when Ben broke up with him and instead of experiencing his first love at Christmas, he experienced his first heartbreak. Last Christmas was the best one he’d ever had. It wasn’t easy with Ben recovering from his operation and Jay and Lola heartbroken over their break up but somehow he was finally part of a family. One who he chose and who chose him. The love that was shared had been more than he’d ever felt in his life. He wanted Christmas to be like this forever.

Of course that hadn’t happened. He found himself waking up again feeling lonely and confused. The ironic thing is he shouldn’t have been. He had a lovely boyfriend, one who loved him and wasn’t afraid to tell him that. He had a family in Stuart and Rainie, who had gone out of their way to make sure Callum still got to have a Christmas, even if he was working. This should be a joyful time, but all he felt was sorrow. Luckily he’d had years of practising faking it and pretending he was happy and that’s exactly what he was intending to do today. He didn’t want to let Stuart and Rainie down.

He crawled out of bed, feeling exhausted but determined to paint on a smile. He was greeted with a sight that both horrified and amused him in equal measure.

“Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!” Stuart boomed, dresses in a full Santa suit, beard, boots the works. Callum stood with a baffled look on his face before he chuckled heartily at the sight.

“Oh my God!” Callum cried. “Wow you’ve really gone all out this year!”

“Well I wanted it to be special this year didn’t I? Come here Bruv.” With that he grabbed Callum and pulled him into a bear hug.

“Merry Christmas Stu!” Callum cried happily. “Merry Christmas Rainie!”

“Merry Christmas Callum!” she also joined their hug. “So glad you’re up! Can only mean one thing…Present Time!” Both her and Stuart seemed very excited. They pulled Callum towards the sofa and Stuart headed for the tree. As Stuart bent over to pick up the first present, Callum heard an almighty tearing sound. He looked one up to see Stuart’s Santa suit trousers split right down the crack of his backside. Callum quickly covered his eyes when he saw a pair of lacy red knickers sticking out of the tear. Stuart jumped up mortified, realising Callum had seen.

Stuart immediately saw the look of horror on Callum’s face. “It ain’t nothin weird Bruv, just a little treat I planned later for Rainie”

“For God’s sake Stu! I really don’t wanna know.” Callum yelled before bursting into hysterical laughter. Rainie sooner followed, as Stuart quickly ran into the bedroom to get changed. Trying to protect his modesty as much as he could. A few minutes later he returned and started handing out the presents that were under the tree. They all sat round in a circle and started to open them. It was the usual range of gifts exchanged, perfume, jewellery, novelty socks. Then it came to the bag Lola had dropped off. Callum opened the one from Lola and Jay first. It was a tin of luxury sweets that he loved. Next he opened the one from Lexi, he couldn’t help but smile when he saw it. It was a beautiful photo, it warmed his heart that she wanted him to have it. Finally he was left to open the present from Ben. He still felt a little bad that he hadn’t got him an individual one. He unwrapped it slowly revealing a box. When he took the lid off it and saw what it was, his was stunned. It was like his heart stopped beating and he was struggling to breathe. After a few seconds he let out a deep sigh as his lips turned upwards into a smile. Tears began to well in his eyes, he couldn’t believe what he saw.

“You okay Bruv?” Stuart asked a little concerned. “What is it?”

Callum cleared his throat trying to cover the overwhelming emotion he felt. “Erm…its a present from Ben.”

Rainie leant over him intrigued as to what he’d bought him that elicited this response from Callum. “Ain’t that’s a kids book?”

Callum nodded. “It’s erm…a rare first edition of Goodnight Mr Tom. Grandad used to read it to me when I was a kid. He had a copy just like this one. I saw it in a bookshop up west one day when I was with Ben and told him about it. Can’t believe he actually he bought it.” Callum shook his head with a surprised grin on his face.

_Callum’s mind flashed back to that day. It was about eight months ago and Lexi wanted to go to this bookstore for a reading of Harry Potter. Callum was having a look around and saw the book. It looked just like the one his Grandad used to read to him. He was overcome with nostalgia when he saw it and he welled up thinking about his Grandad._

_Ben approached from behind and looked over his shoulder. “What ya lookin at sexy?” Callum held the book up towards him. “Six hundred and fifty quid for a poxy book!” he huffed in shock. “Could buy you six hundred books down the market for that price!”_

_Callum laughed slightly, knowing he could by a new version of this for a few pounds. “Yeh…erm this ones like one my Grandad had when I was a kid. He used to read it to me when I went to his. He loved stories about the war and he’d seen this and thought we’d give it a go.” Callum smiled at the memory, “It’s about a little boy who’s abused by his mother and he gets evacuated to the countryside and sent to love with an old man during the war. The bloke is grumpy at first but eventually he learns to love the boy and takes proper care of him. No matter how bad things get the man is always there, lovin him... I used to think my Grandad was my Mister Tom. Know matter how bad things were with Dad, he’d always be there for me and I knew I was loved.” Ben’s heart broke at Callum’s story and the sentiment evident in Callum’s voice as he told it. However it was warmed with the fondness Callum obviously felt for his Grandad. “I was devastated when he died. They just gave most of his stuff to the charity shop. I really wish I coulda kept hold of that book. Looks it coulda been worth somethin.” Callum was clearly overcome with emotion at the memory. Ben went to speak but Callum cut him off. “You’re right though…No way I can justify payin that for a book on my wages. When I earn my millions eh?” Ben just nodded pulled him in for a hug and kissed him softly on the cheek. Callum cleared his throat before speaking “Come on let’s go find Lex!” Callum pulled his hand and they walked to the story corner hand in hand, where Lexi was sat listening intently._

“Wow!” Callum was snapped out of his memory by Rainie’s voice. “That’s actually a really thoughtful gift for im. Maybe there is a human side in there somewhere after all.”

“He ain’t all bad!” Callum insisted defending Ben. “He’s actually got a really good heart. It’s just well hidden most of the time.” Stuart observed Callum’s response to Ben’s present. He saw how much it clearly meant to his brother. Once again he started to see how much Ben really loved Callum. He started to question if he was wrong about Ben after all. “Right!” Callum stood up, “Better go and get showered and dressed before we have any more awkward wardrobe malfunctions.” He raised his eyebrows at Stuart and chuckled. Carefully he picked up his presents and carried them to his room. Placing the photo of Lexi and him in his night stand before falling back on the bed, clutching Ben’s present close to his heart. Ben Mitchell never failed to amaze him, his heart felt full of love for him. At that moment it beat just for Ben. Callum didn’t know how to make it stop. A sudden wave of guilt hit him, Ben had given him such a beautiful gift and he hadn’t got him anything. Picking up his phone he typed out a message.

**To Ben:**

**_I love the present. Can I buy you a drink in the Vic to say thank you? Goin over 4ish if you can make it x_ **

****

He knew a drink wasn’t enough to repay the gesture, but maybe it was a start.

******************************

Ben was sitting in the Car Lot with Jay. They’d agreed to only open for the morning, as some customers wanted to collect cars they’d bought as Christmas presents. Both were sitting there finishing of some paperwork, hoping to get it all done before they closed for the Christmas period. Jay smiled to himself as he sighed off on the last invoice. “Well Bruv, looks like we’ve done pretty alright for ourselves this year.”

“Yeh,” Ben agreed. “Who knew doin things all right and proper could pay off so much eh?”

“I’m proud of ya ya know.” Jay stated with a smile.

Ben smiled widely in return. “All that Christmas cheer gone to ya head or somethin? Ya turnin into a right soppy git in ya old age.”

Jay huffed in response, “Maybe I am, but I mean it…You’ve come so far this year. The way you’ve turned things around, finally bein proud to be who you want to be…well it’s been great to see.”

“Yeh well I’m kinda proud of me too.” Ben conceded with a shy smile. “I mean obviously I know how much of an inspiration I am to ya, give you somethin to aspire to eh. Don’t worry you’ll get there one day.” Ben smirked.

“Oh yeh I don’t know where I’d be without the great Ben Mitchell settin me an example in life,” Jay scoffed, then giggled. “Seriously though, things are finally on the up for the us with the new place and everythin. Think next year could be our year.” Jay gave one firm nod.

“I hope so,” Ben mused. He couldn’t help but think about how much better things were in most respects. He’d actually made something of himself, freed himself from his father’s clutches. He would even say he was beginning to like and respect himself. Just then his phone buzzed. As soon as he saw who the message was from his heart fluttered. It was amazing how he still felt excited when Callum’s name flashed up on the screen. When he read the message he couldn’t stop a huge grin from spreading across his face. His whole body felt warm at the knowledge Callum had the present and that he loved it. When it came to Callum he’d made a lot of bad choices and he was so relieved giving him it wasn’t one of them.

“Don’t need to ask who that’s off!” Jay said sarcastically.

“Huh?” Ben questioned.

“You only get that giddy look on your face when Callum gets in touch.” Jay commented raising his eyebrows.

“I dunno what you mean,” Ben mumbled, his face gradually turning red as he spoke.

“Come off it Bruv, you’re still totally hung up on him.” Jay asserted.

Ben just shook his head, if he was honest Jay was right. He was still completely and totally head over heels in love with him. The very mention of his name made his heart race. His smile still made all the hairs on his body stand on end. The thought that he’d done something that made him happy made him feel as if he was flying and nothing could bring him down. Ben shrugged in response to Jay, “Yeh well…don’t matter if I am…we’re just mates now and I’m happy with that.”

“Whatever you say,” Jay murmured sarcastically before turning away to the filing cabinet.

Ben typed a quick reply. Of course he would meet Callum at the Vic. Given the chance he would be anywhere that he was.

*****************************

All day Callum’s thoughts had been dominated by Ben. Throughout Christmas dinner his mind wondered to him and he couldn’t help but smile. He still couldn’t get over the thoughtfulness of Ben’s gift and what it meant to him. The only time his smile faded was when Rainie brought up Ryan. Once again he was hit by a wave of guilt and anxiety of the thought of what had happened between them. Although he tried to force a smile as he spoke, telling them about his present, it was obvious to Stuart that something wasn’t right with him. Not wanting to spoil the day he swept it under the carpet and decided to leave it for now. After dinner had settled they cleared up and headed to the Vic as planned. Callum was excited, but a little apprehensive at seeing Ben. It had been a little awkward since he’d stayed over and Callum really didn’t want that to still be the case. Especially as he really wanted Ben to see how grateful he was for his gift. They found a table and Stuart got some drinks in. He decided that as it was Christmas him and Rainie would make the most of it and ordered large brandies. Callum knew he had to be up for work early in the morning and knew he needed a clear head so he stuck to a bottle of lager. They’d been there a little while and Callum tried his best to keep up with the conversation, all the time with one eye looking at the door. After several people had sauntered through it, the one person Callum was desperate to see finally arrived. Ben quickly scanned the room until his eyes finally met Callum’s. As soon as their eyes locked both smiled warmly at each other. Stuart noticed the immediate change in Callum’s aura and turned to see what had prompted it. He wasn’t surprised to see it was Ben. Callum stood up, “I said I’d buy Ben a drink to say thanks for my present,” he informed Stuart and Rainie as he left the table.

As he approached Ben, his heart began to race. Both of them felt excitement and nerves a kin to that if going on a first date. It was the first time they’d actually arranged to have a drink alone since they’re break up and both men were clearly aware of it. “Hey,” Callum greeted as he got close to Ben. It took all his willpower not to grab hold of him and hold him tightly as a gesture of appreciation for the book.

“Hey yaself,” Ben replied with a smile. There was a brief moment where they just stared at each other, both smiling and feeling happy to be in each other’s company.

Callum was the first to break, “What you havin? Usual?” Ben just nodded. “Okay go and grab a table for us and I’ll bring the drinks over.”

“What ya not invitin me to join your brother and his missus. Thought they’d be delighted to have the pleasure of my company.” Ben gave Callum a cheeky grin and wiggled his eyebrows up and down.

Callum laughed, “Erm this is supposed to be my Christmas Day, I could do without havin to break up a fight between you lot. Just sit down will you.” Ben smiled and turned to find a table in the other corner of the bar. Callum joined him a minute later sitting opposite him.

“So…you liked the present then?” Ben asked coyly.

Callum didn’t quite now what to say. There were no words that could express his gratitude for what Ben had done or show how much he loved it. “Ben…I loved it. So much,” was what he finally settled on. “I can’t believe you actually went back and bought it! What happened to it bein ridiculous to spend that much money on a poxy book?” Callum joked.

Ben grinned at him remembering the conversation they had in the shop. “Yeh well…I saw how special it was to you and how much it would mean to have it. I know how much it meant to me to have things around that reminded me of my Gran. When you have childhoods like ours, you need to keep hold of those moments of light in the darkness don’t ya.” Ben sighed deeply. That was made their relationship so special, they understood each other better than anyone else ever could. Callum reached over and placed his hand on Ben’s, squeezing it lightly. Once again that jolt of electricity shot through them both and they both just gazed into each other’s eyes, looking like the other hand hung the moon for the other. Ben became aware that the atmosphere between them was charged and resorted to his usual tactic of humour to diffuse it. “Anyway, I had some spare cash I needed to get rid of at the time…seemed like a good a way as any.”

Callum just laughed and shook his head. He should feel annoyed by Ben’s admission but he couldn’t today. “Trust you to ruin the sentiment!” he chuckled before releasing a Ben’s hand. “Can’t believe you just told me the best present I’ve ever had was bought with dodgy money.”

Callum’s words floated straight to Ben’s heart making it soar. Knowing that he had given that to Callum felt like Callum had just given him the best gift he’d ever had. “Well if I bought it now it wouldn’t have been,” he shrugged “I’m a reformed character.”

Callum raised his eyebrows in jest, then smiled. “I know,” he said sincerely.

Ben felt his heart jump again, the fact that Callum believed he’d changed meant the world to him. “I actually bought it to give you on our anniversary…but we never got there…I’m just glad you got have it.”

“I don’t know how to thank you.” Callum dropped his head, “I feel bad I only got a joint present for you Lola and Jay. I wish I’d got you something else.”

“Don’t worry,” Ben reassured him. “Although if you wanted to make it up with me I could think of a few ways.” Ben winked at him and smirked.

“Do you ever stop?” Callum moaned jokingly.

“Come on Callum…can’t blame a guy for tryin!” Ben just smiled again. “Seriously though, knowing that it’s finally where it belongs is enough of a present to me.” Again the men shared an intense gaze, eyes fixed on each other’s. Eventually Ben broke it again, he couldn’t bear the amount of feelings that Callum’s stare awoke in him. “So…” he coughed, trying to shift the emotion lodged in his throat, “Have you had a good Christmas?”

“Well apart from Santa splitting his kecks, it’s been alright.” Callum’s face screwed up at the thought. Ben knew straight away he was referring to Stuart and immediately mirrored Callum’s face. “Worse part was the lacy red undies that he had underneath.”

Ben was just taking a sip of his pint and ended up spitting it all over table. “Oh please tell me you have this on video or at least a photo!”

“What you think I want a reminder of it, been tryin to cleanse myself of the memory all day.” At that both men began to laugh uncontrollably. They both felt so good at being able to laugh together again. The conversation remained like this for a while afterwards and both found it hard to hide the delight it brought them. Laughing, chatting and just feeling more at ease than they had in a while.

Unbeknownst to them Stuart had been watching them the whole time. He couldn’t help but see how happy and relaxed Callum was in Ben’s company. His eyes seemed to sparkle and his smile was so wide and genuine. Watching him like this had caused his own mind to become conflicted. Deep down he wanted his brother to be happy more than anything. That’s how he seemed right now. He wanted the best for his little brother and he was sure Ben Mitchell wasn’t that. However looking at Callum sitting with him now, Stuart started to question everything. He had been stood at the bar watching them for the past few minutes. He hadn’t even noticed Mick stood next to him enjoying a pint after work.

“You don’t need to watch em like a hawk ya know,” he said, snapping Stuart from his musings. “He’s a big boy he can take care of imself.”

“Just wanna make sure Mitchell don’t spoil his day again.” Stuart spat back at him, not really appreciating his advice.

“From where I’m standin, if anything he’s makin his day.” Mick insisted. “Can I give you a bit of advice? As ard as it is you need to let em find their own way. What we think is best for em ain’t always what’s best.”

“I just want im to be happy.” Stuart sighed.

“Right well in that case ask yaself this, when else do ya ever see im with that twinkle in his eye? Cos I’ve known him most of ‘is life and I’ve only ever seen it when he’s with Ben. Definitely ain’t seen it when I’ve seen him with that new bloke.” Mick tilted his head at Stuart knowingly.

Stuart thought for a moment, he couldn’t remember ever seeing Callum like that with Ryan. But he liked Ryan and the thought he was good for Callum. “He’s a good guy though and im,” Stuart there his head towards Ben as he spoke, “Well not many people would say that bout im.”

“Not a lotta people would say it bout you, but Rainie still loves ya and ya love er, make er appy. Could you be as appy without each other?” Mick raised his eyebrows at Stuart and then walked away. Stuart went and sat with Rainie, unable to get Mick’s words out of his mind.

As Callum and a Ben finished their drinks Ben glanced at his watch. “I’m really sorry but I gotta go. Promised Lex I’d help her get stuff ready for Santa, might be the last one where she still believes.” Ben said with an exaggerated frown and with that he stood to leave.

“Okay,” Callum sighed. He stood up as well and came face to face with a Ben at the side of the table. “Thanks again for the present.”

“You’re welcome. Thanks for the drink. Merry Christmas Callum,” Ben said holding out his hand for Callum to shake. Callum took his hand but instead of shaking it he just held it, as he leant down and placed a gentle, lingering kiss to Ben’s cheek. Ben’s body went into overdrive as Callum’s lips touched his skin. His breath warmed his cheek as he inhaled the scent of him deeply. His heart soared at just having Callum so close again. He closed his eyes trying hard not to reveal the emotion he felt in that moment.

As Callum pulled away, he whispered. “Merry Christmas Ben,” before squeezing his hand and looking into his eyes one last time. Finally he walked back to Stuart and Rainie as Ben left the pub. Ben had his back to him, so Callum couldn’t see the pure joy in Ben’s face. A face that was full of hope that maybe his Christmas wish would come true after all.

******************************

An hour or so later Callum, Stuart and Rainie were back at the flat. Rainie had clearly enjoyed her day of indulgence and was passed out on the sofa. Stuart and Callum were sat at the table laughing at the loud snorts that were coming from her. “God I love her n everythin but she’d give a warthog with bronchitis a run for their money in that state.” Stuart huffed.

Callum laughed heartily, “I won’t tell her you said that. I think you value ya bits don’t you?”

“God yeh!” Stuart chuckled.

“Right I’m gonna turn in, got to be up bright and early tomorrow. Thanks for today Stu, it’s been great.” Callum gave Stuart a pat on the back as he stood.

“You’re welcome Bruv,” he replied. Just as Callum began to walk away he called him back. “Bruv can I talk to ya a min?” His serious tone concerned Callum slightly. He slowly turned around and sat back at the table.

“What’s up Bruv?” he asked quietly.

“Are you happy?” Stuart asked clearly troubled.

“What d’ya mean?” Callum furrowed his eyebrows unsure of what Stuart meant.

“With Ryan,” Stuart continued.

Callum was taken aback by the question. It had been something he’d been trying to figure out himself all last night. He wasn’t sure he had managed to find the answer. “Erm…yeh I guess. He’s great…” he hesitated unsure what to say next.

“But…” Stuart held arms gesturing for Callum to add more.

Callum dropped his head, he hadn’t really wanted to discuss this but maybe it would help. “I dunno…” he admitted, “I thought I was happy with im…but last night he told me he loved me… and I just freaked out. I shoulda been happy but I weren’t. I mean he’s a great guy, he’s funny, he’s smart, he’s kind and he’s dead laid back. Not to mention he’s gorgeous. It’s just he ain’t…I mean he ain’t…” Callum really didn’t know how to finish that sentence.

Stuart realised then he knew how, “He ain’t Ben. That’s the problem innit. He ain’t Ben.”

Callum looked a bit shocked, he wasn’t expecting to have this conversation. Let alone for Stuart to instantly see what the problem was. “I don’t know what you…”

“I saw you today, when you got that present and then when you were with him. You’re like a different person when ya round him, your eyes light up and you look genuinely happy.” Stuart said softly.

Callum shook his head, he knew he’d been caught out. “It’s just different with Ben. I mean he just gets me. I think he’s the only person who really knows me…understands where I’ve come through, what I’ve been through. The only one who knows all of me. When I’m with im it just feels natural, I’m at peace, it’s like I’ve come home.” Callum hung his head again and sighed. “I mean don’t get me wrong he’s also one of the most frustrating people I know. He likes to wind everyone up and he’s constantly tryin to be the hard man and shuts people out and he’s made some bad choices. He’s tryin to change now and deep down he’s a good person, he’s got a big heart.”

“Must be very deep down.” Stuart scoffed.

“Look if your just gonna…” Callum started before Stuart cut him off.

“Sorry…couldn’t resist. I know he ain’t all bad,” Stuart shrugged and sighed deeply.”

Callum decided to continue, “When I’m with him I just feel alive. He keeps me on my toes. Every time he touches me I get this feeling like electricity running through me. My stomach does cartwheels when he looks at me…I can’t seem to make it stop…and I’m not sure I wanna.” Callum had somehow managed to voice how felt openly for the first time.

“Look...you know I ain’t ever gonna be his biggest fan..but I have to admit recently I have seen how much he cares for ya. I mean obviously the present today and a couple of other things.”

“Like what?” Callum asked having no idea what he meant.

“Well…like the other week when he stayed here and he covered for ya with Ryan. I mean he could have dropped ya right in it, but he didn’t. Then when I left the flat he was comin out the parlour and it was obvious he’d been cryin.” Stuart decided to just be honest with Callum. “He told me that he just wanted ya to be happy…and a couple a months back he kinda got me out of a right pickle at the parlour. If he’d a told Jay I coulda lost me job but he didn’t. When I asked why he didn’t tell I’m, he told me it was because he would never deliberately do anythin to upset ya. He thought me losin me job would do that.”

“Why didn’t you tell me any a this?”

Callum seemed a little frustrated at bein kept in the dark.

“Cos I didn’t think he was any good for ya and I thought you were moving on,” Stuart hung his head this time. “I didn’t wanna spoil things with Ryan. I like him, he’s a good bloke…but now I see that he don’t make ya happy. Not like Ben does. And no matter what I think of him. I just want you to be happy…more than anythin.”

Callum broke at that and all the emotion that he felt throughout the day came pouring out. Hearing Stuart say that Ben had been looking out for him for months, that he’d even proved to Stuart how much he loved him, was the killer blow that ended the war that had been raging internally for months. His heart had finally fought back hard enough and defeated his head. “I don’t know what to do Stu. I don’t wanna hurt Ryan. I do care about him.”

“Well I’m not an expert in these things…but I’d say you need to tell him and the sooner the better.”

“It’s Christmas Stu. I’ve been dumped at Christmas, I can’t put him through that. It’s cruel. Maybe after New Year?” Callum was desperate for guidance, he thought he must be to ask Stuart.

Stuart shrugged. “Is it really fair to let him start the year with ya thinking you’re gonna spend it together than have that ripped away? Look…you have to do what’s best for you. The quicker you end it the quicker you get to be happy and the quicker he can start to move on too.” Callum couldn’t believe how much sense Stuart was making. He knew he was right.

“I tell him when he gets back from his parents. He’s due to come here on Wednesday, I’ll end it then…Oh he’s gonna hate me.”

“He’ll get over it.” Stuart said quite nonchalantly. “You deserve to be happy. Maybe this way you can start your New Year with the person you should spend the rest of it with.” Callum nodded and smiled before getting up and walking to his bedroom. At the start of the day he was so confused, miserable and lonely, but now everything had changed. He knew what he wanted and how to be happy. The war within him was over. The haze of fog had cleared and he could finally see the path that would lead him home.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After all the heartache and misunderstandings, can Ben and Callum finally find a way back to each other?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well we’ve reached the final part of this story and I have to say I’m a little sad about it. When I first started writing this it was just for me. I’d never written anything before and wasn’t sure it would be any good or that anyone else would be interested in reading it. I decided to take a chance and post the first chapter, not even sure I’d finish this story. I was overwhelmed by the response to it. Your kudos and comments have given me so much encouragement and pushed me to keep going with it. For those of you who have left kudos and commented I can’t tell you how much it has meant to me. Thank you so much for supporting both the story and leaving kind comments about my writing. I don’t know if I will ever write again but knowing people have enjoyed reading my story has made me want to try at some point. I can’t thank you all enough. 
> 
> Just a reminder it’s set about a year in the future. Ben has had his operation and it was successful in restoring most of his hearing. Jay knows about Peter and Lola and they are working on fixing their relationship. I have very limited understanding of hearing loss and cochlear implants so I apologise in advance if there are inaccuracies with this.
> 
> Any mistakes are mine. I do proof read but may have missed the odd error.
> 
> I hope you like how it all ends :-)

Christmas had been much more magnificent than Ben would have ever thought possible a few months, even weeks ago. Lexi’s excitement for the whole day made it magical. From the second she woke up and screamed “Santa’s been!” through the whole flat; to watching her reaction to all the presents she had; to her and Ben joining in with the Strictly Christmas Special had made Ben smile from ear to ear all day. Him, Lola and Jay had shared the responsibility of cooking Christmas Dinner and although it wasn’t quite up to the standards of his Mum, they’d done a fairly decent job. His little family had certainly made the most of their first Christmas in their own home. Ben had another reason for embracing the Christmas spirit though. After his drink with Callum the previous day, Ben had been on cloud nine. Just spending time with Callum alone and talking and laughing so easily had me made his heart soar. He was so overjoyed that Callum had loved the present as much as he hoped. But more than anything Ben couldn’t stop thinking about the kiss Callum placed on his cheek. He could still feel his warm breath against his skin, the sensation of his lips brushing against his cheek and the way he held his hand. Ben was certain that it was more than a cordial Christmas greeting. The way Callum looked at him sent shivers down his spine. He knew it was something more than friendship. It had given him renewed hope that Callum would find his was back to him.

Since then Ben and Callum had exchanged several messages. He’d sent a few photos of Lexi on Christmas Day. One of her wearing the apron that was part of the baking set Callum had bought for her; one of her and Ben wearing the hats from their crackers and one Ben had taken of Jay passed out drunk. He also happened to have drawn a penis on his forehead and captioned the photo - **_Always said he was a dickhead!_** Callum had responded to the each photo with how much he loved them, ending with a heart emoji and an extra crying with laughter one for the photo of Jay. They’d also just exchanged general messages about how their days had been and interesting things that had happened. Ben was heartened by the fact that things between them had once again seemed natural and easy. It reminded him of how things were when they first started out. He hoped that this was the start of something new, the fresh start he’d truly longed for, for so long.

A few nights later him and Jay were having a drink in the Vic. It was the first time Jay was willing to go out after he’d finally scrubbed the penis off his forehead. He still hadn’t forgiven Ben, especially as he’d had to wear make up to hide it from Lexi. Ben was attempting to make it up to him by promising all drinks were on him. The mood had thawed between them and they were happily chatting and joking. All of a sudden Ben’s heart flipped, when the door opened at in walked Callum. It sank when he realised he wasn’t alone.

*****************************

The past few days had dragged for Callum. Work had been less busy than usual over the festive period and hadn’t kept his mind as occupied as he’d hoped. He found himself constantly thinking of how he was going to end things with Ryan. He felt so terrible about the whole thing, he hadn’t meant to hurt Ryan, but he knew letting things go as far as they had, would lead to him being hurt. One thing that had cheered him up and reinforced to him he was doing the right thing, was the interactions he’d had with Ben. The photos on Christmas Day had made him smile and laugh and the way that they’d just chatted freely and easily made his heart sing. The way he got butterflies every time Ben’s name flashed on the screen, reminded him of when they first started seeing each other. He just hoped Ben still felt the same and this could be a fresh start for them. Ryan had also been in messaging and Callum had replied but kept it brief, not wanting to give him anymore false hope. They’d arranged for Ryan to come over when he got back and Callum was determined he was going to just be honest with him.

That’s why Callum was stood pacing the lounge, feeling sick as he waited for him to arrive that evening. Stuart and Rainie had gone out so he could have the flat to himself. He just hoped it wouldn’t be too difficult. He was stopped in his tracks by his phone ringing. His heart stopped when he saw Ryan’s name flash up, the last thing he wanted for him to cancel. He really did just want to get this over with.

He pressed the button to accept the call. “Hi, you on your way?”

“Hey gorgeous. Yeh I am, but I’ve just bumped into a mate I haven’t seen for ages. Don’t suppose he could join us for a quick drink? Thought we could pop to the Vic for a quick one, then head back to yours.” Ryan asked enthusiastically.

Callum hung his head, this was the last thing he wanted. “Actually, I really wanted to talk to you…alone.”

“Missed me have you?” Ryan giggled, “Come on…one quick drink, then you can have me all to yourself…promise.” Callum could imagine him doing puppy dog eyes as he spoke the words.

“Okay, I’ll meet you outside the flat and we’ll go together.” Callum surrendered. If he was going to break his heart, it was the least he could do. He ended the call, grabbed his jacket and wallet and headed out to meet them. Ryan looked so pleased to see him and pulled him in for a huge hug and kiss on the lips. He introduced him to his friend Tom and they walked over to the Vic. As soon as he stepped foot in the door he saw Ben and Jay at the bar. This was the last thing he wanted. He immediately saw the disappointment on Ben’s face and felt terrible. He suggested to Ryan to go and get a table and he’d get the drinks in. He approached Jay and Ben at the bar tentatively, wanting to explain things to Ben.

“Alright Son!” Jay exclaimed as he saw him. “You alright?”

Callum was nervous, Ben had given him a quick glance then turned away. “Yeh not too bad,” he replied wishing Ben would look at him. Then he thought of something that might get his attention. “Have you got somethin on your head Jay?” At that Ben let out a small grunt as he began to laugh as he turned to Callum with a huge grin.

Jay looked highly irked, “Did you send him that picture?” He turned to face Ben, “Ha, Ha bloody hilarious the pair of you.” Callum and Ben just smiled at each other.

Now he had his attention Callum wanted to explain himself. “Look Ben, I’m sorry about this, we weren’t supposed to come here…”

Ben cut him off straight away, “I’ve told you Callum it’s your local, you’ve every right to be here.”

“No you don’t understand…I need to talk to you, explain things…” Just as Callum was tryin to speak, he felt an arm creep around his waist. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly in discomfort, knowing who it was.

“Hey,” Ryan said warmly. “I was just wondering if your friends would like to join us. Ben right?” he asked although it was obvious he already knew. “And…” he asked extending his hand for Jay to shake.

“Jay,” he replied shaking his hand, “You must be Ryan.” Ryan just nodded and smiled in response. “Nice to meet you.”

“Likewise,” Jay replied.

Callum shook his head, “I think they’re probably busy right?” He was begging Ben and Jay to go along with him with an imploring look.

Jay understood what he was trying to do immediately and knew that neither Ben or Callum would want this. “Yeh we’re actually gonna shoot off after this one.”

“Oh we’re only having a quick one too. It’s just my mate feels like a bit of a third wheel, so he’d probably be a bit more comfortable if you joined us.” Ryan was quite insistent. “Come on just finish those with us, won’t hurt.” Jay, Callum and Ben looked at each other each with an obvious unease on their face. It felt like they had no choice so they agreed. “Great, you guys go over…I’ll help you bring our drinks over.” Ryan suggested and Ben and Jay walked over slowly, clearly confused about the turn of events.

Callum was equally confused, when he addressed Ryan, “What’s all that about?”

“Oh Tom, quite likes the look of Ben.” Callum’s eyes widened and he tried very hard to contain his anger at situation. “You don’t mind do you. I told him he was your ex but you were just friends now?” Callum was internally screaming at him. Of course he minded. The thought of someone else hitting on Ben made his stomach twist. But he knew he couldn’t say anything. Not without telling all to Ryan and it wasn’t fair to do it like this, now. So she just shook his head and smiled. Ryan then instantly turned towards Tom and gave him a subtle thumbs up. Callum felt like sick. He just hoped Ben wouldn’t be interested and make it clear and they guy would give up. This evening was turning into even more of a disaster than Callum thought it would be.

A while after Callum had returned to the table and formal introductions were made. When the others were distracted talking Callum managed to sign _Sorry_ to Ben but he just shrugged, somewhat in confusion, somewhat in annoyance. Ryan had his hand on Callum’s thigh, although Callum had successfully managed to move it several times, it kept coming back. Ben was finding it hard to control his hurt at Ryan touching Callum. Jay was trying to make idle chitchat with Ryan and Callum. Callum wasn’t really paying any attention, he was intently watching the conversation between Ben and Tom. Tom was clearly trying to flirt with Ben, but Callum could tell Ben was unimpressed by the way his face kept screwing up when Tom spoke. Callum just wanted to cry, it was the most awful situation, he really wanted to ground to open up and swallow him. He was struggling to hide his jealousy, he was desperate to lean over the table and grab Tom and tell him to back off Ben. Of course he couldn’t do that without upsetting Ryan. He just had to sit there torturing himself.

Ben felt like someone was playing a cruel joke on him. The man he loved was sat opposite him with another man all over him and he was having to sit there and listen to some moron feeding him the corniest chat up lines he’d ever heard. Tom had asked what he did for a living early on in the conversation and once he found out he’d pulled out some cringeworthy lines related to cars. Ben wasn’t sure which was his favourite “If I was a car I’d need coolant right now, cos you’ve got my engine overheating,” or “If you’re lucky I’ll let you put your piston in my cylinder.” The guy was clearly not getting the hint, when Ben screwed up his face. In the end he’d had enough and decided to be direct.

“Look mate, it’s a bit awkward…” he started before Tom quickly interrupted.

“Oh is this about Callum?” he interjected, “Cos if it is don’t worry he’s already given me the green light.” Ben was livid. He thought Callum and him were getting somewhere. He’d sure he hadn’t read the signals wrong. Yet here he was trying to palm him off and someone else. Ben couldn’t believe how cruel it all was and his anger once again took over his rational thought. He wasn’t going to let Callum get away with it.

“Can I have a quick word?” he sternly asked Callum and gestured towards the bar. Callum just nodded and excused himself before following him. “What gives you the right to try and play God with my love life eh?”

“What?” Callum asked incredulously, having no idea what Ben was referring to.

“Telling Mr Cringefest 2021 over there he’s got the green light to try it on.” Ben spat with fury in his eyes.

“Wait Ben, you’ve got this all wrong…” he tried to set him straight.

“Yeh well I’ve been doin a lot of that lately,” Ben snarled. “He’s me thinking that we had something between us, that you wanted to start again and the whole time you’re just humouring me, pitying me! Poor old Ben wish he could move on, better give him a nudge so I can finally get him off my hands!”

Callum again tried to explain, “It ain’t like that Ben.”

“Don’t!” Ben shouted drawing the attention of a few people in the pub, including those on the table he had come from. He lowered his voice before continuing “What am I some pathetic charity case who needs a helping hand to find someone eh?” Callum again tried to speak but Ben want listening. “D’ya know what Callum I don’t need ya help. There’s plenty of places I can go if I wanna find a date…ya know what think that’s what I’ll do right now. Then you don’t have to feel guilty about goin home and shaggin ya fit boyfriend tonight!” And with that Ben stormed out of the pub. As soon as he got outside anger turned into heartbreak and a rogue tear fell down his face. Ben contemplated heading to The Albert to do what Callum wanted but the thought of it turned his stomach. Instead he headed to the Car Lot, he knew he had a bottle of Vodka stashed in there somewhere and he needed it tonight.

*****************************

Callum tried in vain to plead with Ben, make him see he’d got it wrong but he wasn’t listening. The thought of Ben going to find someone to replace him made him stomach knot even more. After a minute of trying to compose himself and headed back to the table. All of the men sat there looking at him in confusion at what had just happened. “He alright?” Jay asked as Callum sat down.

Callum tried to keep a neutral face and make out is wasn’t a big deal. “Erm…he just remembered he had to be somewhere.”

“That’s a shame,” Tom chimed in, “We were getting on so well. I don’t suppose I can have his number?”

Callum felt like his face was turning red with fury. This guy was unbelievable. He took a breath before responding. “I don’t think he’s interested,” he said trying to remain calm.

“Oh…that’s not the impression I got. Maybe if you give me his number he could tell me that himself.” Callum couldn’t believe how stupid this guy was, it was obvious Ben wasn’t interested by the way he cringed every time he spoke.

Callum tried to contain his anger but his patience ran out and he just exploded at Tom. “He ain’t interested!” he yelled, making the other three men at the table jump.

“Callum!” Ryan cried with confusion on his face.

Callum didn’t want to don’t this like this but he felt he no longer had a choice. “Look Ryan. I’m sorry but we need to talk,” he stated. Jay knew exactly what was going on, he knew Callum and his brother too well and knew how crazy they were about each other. He quietly gestured for

Tom to join him at the bar. Callum smiled in appreciation to Jay and then turned back to Ryan. “I’m sorry Ryan I didn’t want to do this here, like this but..”

Ryan was finally hit with a realisation of what was going on. “Oh my God!” he moaned. “I’m a complete idiot,”

“You’re not an idiot, I’m so sorry but I can’t do this anymore…I can’t pretend anymore.” Callum hung his head in shame.

“Pretend what, that you care about me. That what we have means something to you.” Ryan was struggling to hold back the tears.

“I do care about you and what we had did mean something.” Callum felt so guilty when he saw how hurt Ryan was. “I never meant to hurt you.”

Ryan shook his head. “Right cos stringing me along, letting me fall for you…when all the time you wanted him…that was supposed to make me feel good was it!”

“I didn’t mean to string you along…I wanted to be with you, give this a go…But when you told me you loved me I realised I didn’t feel the same,” Callum sighed deeply before continuing. “I couldn’t because…my heart belongs to Ben. I really wanted to stop lovin him and move on. But I think the truth is that I’ve loved him from the first moment I met him and no matter how hard you want it to, a love like that…well it don’t go away.” Ryan just huffed and shook his head. “I’m sorry Ryan, I really am!”

“Yeh you’ve said that, means nothing though I’m afraid.” And with that he stood up to leave. “Don’t bother trying to talk to me again. Stay out my way from now on.” He turned and walked over to Jay and Tom at the bar. “Come on Tom, we need to go. Turns out you’re not the only one who wants Ben!” Tom looked shocked but immediately followed his friend, putting a comforting hand on his back as they left. Callum put his head into his hands and rubbed his fingers into his eyes to try and stop the tears. He knew he had messed everything up and ended up hurting Ryan and Ben in the process. He suddenly felt an arm on the back of his shoulder and looked up to see Jay standing there.

“You alright mate?” he asked rather concerned.

Callum shook his head, “I’ve screwed everything up mate. I am shit at handling relationship stuff.”

“Mate tell me who is good at it!” Jay shrugged.

“Ive hurt Ryan and Ben is off probably snogging some random bloke in The Albert as we speak…I should have just told him how I felt straight away.” Callum was angry at himself and this was evident by the frustration in his voice. “I just thought it wasn’t fair to tell Ben until I ended it with Ryan…I was trying to do the right thing.” He let out a deep sigh.

“Mate, you’re a good guy. You always try and think of other people first.” Jay reassured him. “Sometimes it’s okay to go for what you want, even if people get hurt. You shouldn’t beat yaself up too bad.”

Callum nodded and contemplated Jay’s words. He realised that he was right and he needed to go for what he wanted. That was Ben. He stood up and thanked Jay. As he made to leave he heard Jay shout, “Where ya going?”

“Albert! I need to find Ben!” And with that he marched out of the pub. Determined to get what he wanted and make himself whole again.

******************************

Ben was sat with his head on the desk at The Car Lot. The one shot of vodka he’d sank had burned his throat and he wasn’t in a rush to down the second one he poured. He couldn’t believe Callum would mess him about so much. Then again, maybe it was payback for all the things that had he’d put him through. Maybe he deserved it. Seemed like no matter how hard he tried Callum couldn’t forgive him. Maybe it was time to give up and just concentrate on building on all the good he’d done for himself. He wasn’t one to walk away from a fight but he wasn’t sure his heart could take another beating. It was time to wave the white flag. A single tear escaped from his eye and he raised a glass to toast farewell to Callum’s love. Before he could down the second shot Jay burst through the door.

“There you are!” he said “Saw the light on and thought it must be you.”

“I don’t wanna talk about it Jay. I got the message loud and clear, just wanna sit and drown my sorrows in peace.” Ben was harsh in his tone but he didn’t want company. “Just leave me alone yeah!” Jay walked over and took the bottle away from Ben. “Did you not hear me?” Ben snapped.

Jay widened his eyes and nodded his head, “I heard ya loud and clear Bruv. Problem is I don’t think you read the message properly.” Ben screwed his face and shook his head and Jay just tilted his head to one side before continuing, “You see if you’d have stayed around a bit longer, you’d have seen Callum warning that Tom bloke off ya…and then telling his now ex boyfriend that it was over cos his heart belonged to someone else.”

“What?” Ben looked at him confused.

“Apparently, he’s still hung up on this snarky, little shit who’s got the maturity of a ten year old…but there’s no accountin for taste I guess,” Jay smirked at Ben as he spoke. Ben tried to take it all in, not quite believing what he’d heard. A smile started to spread on his face. “Yeh he’s so determined to get him back he’s gone to The Albert, to take on any other bloke that tries it on.” Ben’s heart started to pound, feeling like it was going to burst from his chest. He had to admit he was also a little excited, by the idea of Callum getting possessive over him. He was snapped out if his musings by Jay shouting, “Go get him ya muppet!” Ben raced out of The Car Lot as fast as he could. It seemed like he’d just found the final piece of the puzzle and he just needed to slot it in place to make himself complete.

******************************

Callum was distraught, he hadn’t been able to find Ben in The Albert. He had images of him just going home with the first bloke who’d shown an interest. He was so angry at himself for not talking to Ben sooner. If he’d been braver perhaps he wouldn’t have found himself stood in the square just outside the gardens with the huge Christmas tree in the background. He saw the irony at being stood in the exact same place he’d lost Ben the first time. He would have laughed if he didn’t feel like his world had once again imploded. His chin fell to his chest as he tried hard to stop the banks of the rivers, swelling in his eyes, from bursting.

“Who rained on your parade?” he heard a familiar voice in front of him. Callum immediately raised his head and almost couldn’t believe the vision in front of him. Ben was looking at him with a warm smile and Callum’s heart immediately began to race. In the glow of the fairy lights his eyes were sparkling and not for the first time he took Callum’s breath away. “Sooo…” Ben went to speak but Callum was determined not to sit back this time. He had to let Ben know how he felt.

“Before you say anythin,” he said cutting him off. “I’m so sorry about earlier. I wasn’t tryin to push that bloke on ya I swear. Believe me the last thing I want is for you to be with anyone else.” Ben lips curled up slightly more at that. He went to tell Callum it was okay but again Callum was stoic in making sure he was heard. “See Ryan told me he loved me the other day and I realised I couldn’t say it back…because I would never feel it back. Turns out I gave my heart away to this beautiful, amazing guy a while ago and even though I tried to take back from him…he wouldn’t let go of it...No he held on tight and fought tooth n nail to remind me how much I mean to him.” Ben’s smile finally met his eyes, as the tears began to flow from them. Callum stepped closer to him and stared deeply into his eyes. “I thought I could live without him, but it turns out I ain’t complete unless he’s with me. God even Stuart told me he only ever sees me truly happy when I’m with him.” Callum shook his head a with a small chuckle. “I never thought I was enough for him, that he’d choose me…but now I think he has and am just prayin he hasn’t changed his mind.” With that he raised his hand to Ben’s cheek and slowly wiped a tear away.

Ben nestled his cheek fully into Callum’s hand, closing his eyes so he could fully feel the sensation of his touch. His whole body both soothed and electrified by it. “Course not ya idiot!” Ben whimpered though they tears. “I’ve loved you from the second I laid eyes on you in the Vic…I tried to fight it so many times…but you wedged yaself deep inside my heart. You’ve always seen the good in me, you always fought for me. You’re the only person who’s ever truly loved me for me…and I’m a better person now. I never felt like I deserved ya before but now…I feel like I’m someone worthy of ya love…And I know I’ve messed up but I won’t ever let ya down again. I’ll always choose you.”

Callum’s tears now began to cascade down his face. A few months ago he wouldn’t have believed Ben’s words, but looking into his right now, he knew every word was true. He pulled Ben’s face closer to his and leant in gently brushing his lips against Ben’s. Ben responded softly, the feel of Callum’s lips finally against his was dreamlike. He felt like he was floating on air. The kiss quickly deepened and he placed his hands around Callum’s waist pulling him closer. Both men felt like the air had been sucked out of their lungs. Both felt like they were on a major high and love was their drug. Both tasting the familiar taste and breathing in the familiar scent. Both felt like they’d finally found the right path that led them home. Eventually Callum broke the kiss, Ben reluctantly letting go after chasing his lips. “So this is it yeh. No more messing around. No more lies. Just us together for keeps.” His face showed Ben he was searching for the confirmation from him that he wanted it too.

“No more lies. No more hiding. Just me an you for keeps.” Ben echoed Callum’s words and gave him one final kiss. As they broke away Ben’s hands linked with Callum’s and he placed them at their sides, pulling their bodies close together. “Now not to ruin the romance of the moment or anythin…but I’ve got a new bedroom that is in desperate need of christening.”

Callum laughed warmly, “Oh yeh!”

“Oh God yeah!” Ben shouted. “I’ve been livin like a monk for months. I have some makin up to do.” He placed one final kiss on Callum’s lips before they walked towards Ben’s flat. “I do have one more question,” Ben stated as they walked.

“Go on…” Callum said nervously, wondering what Ben would want to know.

“How much has your brother been drinkin lately?” he tilted his head and raised his eyebrows.

Callum just laughed “Shut up!” he demanded softly.

“Make me!” Ben teased.

Callum pulled Ben in for another lingering kiss. “Oh intend to do the exact opposite!”

Ben was stunned he loved it when Callum was assertive. He felt a stirring in his groin, his eyes widened and darkened as he looked at Callum. “Home! Now!” he growled voice full of want. Callum raised his eyebrows before Ben dragged him towards the flat.

****************************

Ben woke up and breathed deeply, inhaling a familiar scent that made him feel safe. His head was rested on the pillow of a firm chest and his body wrapped up in the muscular arms. He dared not open his eyes, it could just be the illusion that had so often been created by his dreams. If this was a dream he didn’t want it to end. After a few minutes of lying there he finally had the courage to open his eyes. The sight above him was one he would never tire of seeing. Callum sleeping, his hair soft and flopping to one side. His face angelic with his skin vibrant and glowing. He could watch him sleep forever, the beautiful man lying next to him was a piece of art Ben could never tire of looking at. The final piece of the puzzle had been put in the right place and Bens world was complete again. Callum had found his way back to him. Callum stirred a few minutes later and sleepily gazed down at Ben. A smile crept slowly over his face, when he saw Ben looking up at him. His fingers slowly threaded through Ben’s hair as Ben lightly stroked his back. They started at each other for minutes, neither speaking but both were actually enjoying the silence. Both relishing in the fact that everything they needed in that moment was lying in their arms. It was perfect, there were no words needed. Eventually Callum moved using his fingers to trace patterns on Ben’s back, the final one spelling out _I love you_. Ben responded, breaking the silence. “I love you more,” he stared gently. Callum just shook his head before kissing him, a slow tender kiss which told Ben how much he loved him. After kissing lazily for a few minutes, Ben pulled away and reached for his receiver before connecting it to his implant.

He lay back down on his side and Callum mirrored his position, so they lay facing each other. “God you’re beautiful!” Ben said as he ran his fingers through Callum’s soft hair.

Callum blushed, he would always blush no matter how many times Ben told him. “Flattery will get you everywhere, “he said raising his eyebrows suggestively.

“That’s what I’m bankin on!” Ben winked before grabbing him and pulling him in for a passionate kiss. It soon became heated, mouths open, tongues being allowed to explore and before they knew it they were making love again. Reacquainting themselves with each other’s bodies. Making each feel things that neither had for months. Lying there in the afterglow afterwards, feeling whole, satisfied, loved Ben didn’t want this to end. “So I’ve been thinking,” he said quietly.

“That’s dangerous,” Callum huffed with a cheeky grin.

“Oi!” Ben said as he gave him a painful slap. “It’s New Year in a couple of days and I was thinkin…maybe…we should start the year as we mean to go on.”

“Oh yeah…what with a bang?” Callum licked his lips suggestively as he smiled at Ben.

“Ooh I do love it when your dirty mind comes out to play,” Ben grinned, “but…erm…actually I was thinkin more…if I get to wake up with you on New Year’s Day then…I want to wake up with you everyday.” Callum’s eyes widened not sure what Ben was asking. “Don’t panic, I’m not proposing…maybe one day,” Ben winked, “But how would you feel about movin in.”

Callum beamed from ear to ear. His heart was doing cartwheels again. “Are you serious?” he asked.

“Well we practically lived together before, although it weren’t official…and like this has become a proper family home for me, with Lexi, Lo and Jay all being here…It’s just our family ain’t complete without you.” Ben shrugged. “We’ve wasted enough time. Don’t wanna waste anymore.”

Callum couldn’t hide the joy he was feeling. Then his smile faded slightly as a thought hit him. “Shouldn’t we ask the other members of the family first?”

Ben just laughed, “Are you kiddin? Think they like you more than me…But I’ll run it by em, it’s practical anyway. It’ll reduce the rent.” Ben smirked.

“Oh so it’s just a case of bein practical is it?” Callum scoffed.

“Mainly yeh.” Ben paused before clearing his throat. “That and the fact I kinda wanna fall asleep in your arms every night and wake up in em everyday.”

Callum’s huge beam returned. “Aww look at you. Gone all soft,” he chuckled lightly.

“Think one thing ya cant accuse me of is being all soft after the amount of times I’ve…” Ben tried to use humour again.

Callum was havin none of it, “Alright, alright. I’d love to complete your family. Course I’ll move in with ya. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

They ran the idea by Jay, Lola and Lexi who couldn’t have been more thrilled. Stuart was sad to see Callum go but like he always said he wanted his brother to be happy. By New Year’s Eve Callum had moved in and he and Ben offered to babysit so Lola and Jay could go out. Lexi fell asleep before midnight and Ben carried her to bed. Callum lived up to his promise of seeing the New Year with a bang. As he their naked bodies lay tangled together afterwards Ben whispered “Happy New Year Callum!”

“Happy New Year Ben! Fresh start.” Callum replied softly.

“Fresh start!” Ben agreed and kissed Callum slowly. They had their whole lives together now and they intended to make every moment count.

*****************************

Although it was a beautiful sunny day, it was freezing and the wind blew strongly. Whoever thought it would be a good idea to visit the seaside in February must have been mad. Ben watched Callum, Lexi and Les ahead looking for shells in the sand. His heart was fit to burst with the love that it held. Pam linked his arm as she walked along side him. Smiling as she saw the love evident on Ben’s face. She told him once that one day she wanted him to bring someone special with him when he visited. She also once told him she wanted him to find someone who loved him as much as Paul did. Callum fitted the bill on both accounts and she couldn’t have been more happy for Ben. “Told you if you hung in there he’d come back to you!” she stated to Ben.

Ben grinned widely at the thought. “Have to admit…didn’t fancy my chances much at one point. Felt all the odds were against me…but I’m glad I took the chance and waited. He was worth the wait.”

“I’m so proud of you. You’ve finally seen the Ben we all see and love. We’re so happy for you and Paul would be too.” Pam choked up as she spoke, eyes welling up with tears.

“Thank you. You don’t know how much that means.” Ben gulped also overcome with emotion. They embraced each other tenderly and she gently cupped his cheek as they pulled away. The three ahead had stopped to look at something in the sand. Before long they caught them up. Ben walked in front of Callum and wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him in for a kiss, soft and chaste but perfect in that moment. Before long Lexi joined them, positioning herself in the middle, wrapping her arms around both their waists. Callum and Ben both had an arm around Lexi but also linked to each other as they looked out into the sea. Callum looked across at his beautiful family, knowing that he was exactly where he should be, wherever they were. Ben turned to meet his gaze. Feeling overcome with joy and love. He didn’t think he’d ever felt happiness like this before. Turns out Pam was right, if you learn to love yourself life gets better. Sometimes you need to back yourself. Turns out if you manage to defy the odds and win, the reward can be everything you’ve ever dreamed of and more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go it’s all over. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading my story as much as I have writing it. 
> 
> One final thanks for all support. Love to you all <3


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